Monthly Archives: January 2012

Six year olds are insane …

See this is my idea of Sunday, or at least weekend, fun.

Look I’m just going to come out and say it, little kids are weird. They say, literally, whatever is on their mind, I’m convinced they’re all speed freaks (who has the much energy otherwise) and they all vaguely smell like milk that’s about to go bad.

Yeah this is about kids. One kid anyway, one six year old boy.

I don’t have kids and my exposure to any kid is somewhat limited. Okay it’s really limited. Limited to the occasional kid brought to the office because of some unforeseen babysitter crisis or limited to social function.

I don’t see or interact with a lot of kids.

Thus weekends at my house are pretty damned chilled out. Maybe a trip into town, the German sauna one weekend a month and otherwise a lot of glorious, and I do consider it glorious, lounging about. We’ve been in Germany a long time. The desire to walk up to baron batshit’s (and they were all bat shit) castle is reserved for guests.

It’s reading, television, maybe a little nap, light house work and just relaxing. Besides its winter who the hell wants to go outside anyway (you skiers, snowboarders and other outdoor freaks scare the hell out of me, its cold out there).

Thus as you’ve already guessed my plan for another Sunday afternoon of reading, watching political talk shows and napping was disturbed, nay destroyed, by the introduction of Tyler, a six-year-old pirate fighting, helicopter crashing meth head.

Three Points:

1.  Six year olds are insane, or maybe not.

These are really cool and I suggest everyone reading this buy one.

If doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity then I have to ask this question. What is doing the same thing over and over and over again and still laughing at the result the definition of, yeah I know, a six year old.

Tyler has a remote control helicopter which I have to admit is the coolest thing I have seen since I got the bionic man with the telescope eye and power arm thing when I was seven or eight.

The helicopter is modeled after the Apache Helicopter and even has little rockets mounted to it that sadly don’t work (count yourself lucky cat!)

As Tyler proudly pointed out it even really, no kidding, watch this Todd, watch this Todd … flew.

Right into the ceiling.

You’d have to have a house made of paper to have this toy actually damage anything (thus the need for real missiles) so the first time I kind of laughed too when it crashed to the ground like a giant wounded dragonfly.

I righted the helicopter and, bam, Tyler flew it right back into the ceiling. This, like the first crash, was met with maniacal laughter by the pilot, Warrant Officer Tyler.

This went on for every single flight.

Finally it was my turn, bam I flew it right into the ceiling and same maniacal laughter by Tyler. By the second or third try I was able to make it hover, I was proud of myself, easy on the gas, watch the yoke and whatever else it is helicopter pilots do outside of being pompous. Back to Tyler, this time with some advice about how to you know, not fly straight into the ceiling.

He had none of it. Straight back to a fiery death for pilot and gunner.

“You do the voice Todd,” he said.

“What voice?”

“The pilot voice.”

My additions of “prepare for takeoff, okay something’s wrong, OH GOD WE’RE GOING TO DIE, AHHHHHHHHHHH,” only added to Tyler’s near pant’s wetting laughter.

Point is this never became less funny, even when the batteries died, after we had recharged (an hour later) first new fresh-battery crash into the ceiling until the last, dead-battery crash into the ceiling … hysterical laughter.

Every. Time. Straight. Into. The. Ceiling. Never, not once, less funny. Same evil laugh.

I think I’m actually a little jealous here. If I found the same exact joke funny, over and over I’d save a lot of money on DVD’s and crap. Oh wait, I do have that, it’s called the Simpsons.

Little known fact, these never require reloading and can shoot through force fields!

2. Playing pirates sucks, don’t bring a knife to a gun fight and playing pirates sucks.

“Okay we’re going to play pirates,” Tyler said dumping a bag of crap on the ground. I see a mixture of plastic swords, a toy gun and what looks like a really badly-made dead raccoon. Apart from the ‘about-to-go- bad-milk’, there is no smell, thankfully.

I haven’t seen Pirates the Caribbean since the first one came out and I’m pretty sure Dagmar and I were drunk when we did see it. To me Jonny Depp is still Edward Scissor hands and the chick I saw it with in high school wouldn’t make out with me and he did a really good job of playing HST in Fear and Loathing … he’s still doing that pirate crap, doesn’t he live in France? Jesus.

Turns out the dead raccoon is Tyler’s pirate hat.

I’m trying to read my Kindle, which Tyler is really pissed off doesn’t have a touch screen (as evidenced by his constant finger swiping across the text). I’m about to discover that Kindle reading is off the table for the time being.

He hands me a do rag. The kind that office-cleaning crews or prisoners wear, you know to denote gang affiliation or who gets top bunk (I haven’t been to prison, yet.)

Do-rag upon my head, dead ferret upon Tyler’s head I am handed a sword. Tyler has a sword and a pistol. I point out the fact that this is not how I wish to start our “pirate fight”. He hands me a hand-drawn ninja star that, when thrown, lands on my foot.

“Okay come get me,” Tyler says. I had not considered this. I felt reasonably sure we could ‘pirate fight’ with my ass firmly planted on the couch.

“Nope,” I reply. “I’m going to fight you from right here.” In my defense I said this waving the sword back and forth.

“Todd you have to get up and come fight me.”

Listen kid, I was playing pirate before you were born, literally before you were born. See here I am being a pirate, on an ACTUAL boat.

“Nope, I’m not going to.” This is my house and I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do. Unless Dagmar tells me I’m going to do it, I mean.

“If you don’t,” and here’s where a six year old makes a critical mistake, “I’m going to put the pirate stuff away.” I’m laughing (on the inside) because this is something you’re mom has obviously told you and you’re not my mom. I’ve won right? If you and I, two grownups, just had this conversation I’d have just gotten exactly what I wanted. I’d have won the debate. Not so.

“Okay cool,” I remove the do-rag and Dagmar launches into some tirade about ‘responsibility’ and ‘being nice’. These are not Sunday afternoon words in our house. Normally on a Sunday afternoon there are a lot of please, thank you and can I, heard here. Dagmar talks too sometimes.

A six year old just outsmarted me. Most of you know that’s not hard but mind you this is stone-cold sober. As anyone that reads my retarded posts on face book feed (and if WordPress is right that’s all of you) knows that with 8 or so beers I have very little filter. Need I remind anyone of the ‘name my left testicle contest?’

I thought not.

What can I say, I got up and played ‘pirate fight’. I can tell you that Tyler has “armor” everywhere and that I have no “armor” anywhere. He has a magical doctor that, regardless of the HMO costs or clauses, fixes sword wounds really fast and that paper ninja stars don’t really ever work.

Oh yeah one final thing, six year olds have no issue with sucker punches and those plastics swords? With a good wind up they hurt like hell.

3. That bottomless pit we’ve all heard about? It’s a six-year-olds’ appetite.

College kids and men that have pissed off their wives know all about the joy of ramen noodles

One hour and three welts into the baby-sitting adventure Tyler announced, wisely to Dagmar, that he was hungry. Tyler’s mom had brought with her two packages of chicken Ramen (his favorite, pronounced ‘ramen noodles,’ – I was corrected several times about this) and a bag of cookie things called, Scooby snacks, not the kind the Fun Lovin’ Criminal’s sang about, sadly.

Shortly after making chick … I mean ramen noodles Dagmar went for a run. I do find it oddly suspicious that she started running only the day before (conspiracy theory, Dagmar giggled during the whole run). After finishing the bowl Tyler wanted more.

Are you sure, I asked. He was. Okay I made more, he ate them all. Less than 3 pirate sword fights later his mom had come to pick him up but opted for a glass (bottle of) of wine before leaving. Tyler ate his third bowl of ramen chicken noodles (my ramen noodles, from my own private stash I might add).

Three packs of salty, vaguely chicken flavored soup stuff. He’s like 50lbs wet, what the hell.

Yeah, yeah “you don’t eat Todd HAHAHHAHA”, I get the joke but the story isn’t over yet. I was sent to the local pizza parlor for a small cheese and a large grown up pizza. German standards not being up to our American girth this was not enough and I was sent back for round two. The German pizza parlor owner was not shocked that Americans come back 20 minutes later for more pizza (what do I care they serve beer there). I returned home with ANOTHER round of pizzas. Tyler didn’t finish this second pizza but did a dent that equaled exactly half of the second pizza.

All of this food is in the span of literally five pirate sword fights (five pirate sword fights = 3 hours adult time, by standard imperial measurement, Google it).

Cat kills a straw

Here’s Dagmar’s cat, viciously killing a straw.  Cats are retarded …

Places I have found my beer

Sometimes I put my beer down in places and forget I put it there and then I find the beer!  When I do it’s a magical honeymoon type situation, because a lost beer is a lost opportunity. 

But still sometimes you put a beer down in the house and you forget where you put, until you find it …

These are a few of the places I found them…

Next to the iPad, that's pretty normal. It's kind of the first place I look.

 Dear future Todd, thanks for inventing the wireless recharging concept.  Had you not done that we, back here in 2012 I would still have to herd our devices into these odd places in our houses that have become these miniature docking stations for all of our rechargeable devices.   I, unlike Dagmar, like to have all the rechargeable in the same spot, which makes no sense I realize, but I DO!   It’s like having my entire rechargeable herd in the same spot, which I think makes me a cowboy, somehow.  It’s funny because I used the word herd.

Building a fire, while drinking beer, is a requirement ... normal place to lose your beer.

Look, fire and beer go TOGETHER.  It’s a fact, like the Catholic Chruch and boy love go together … Sorry wait, it’s NOT like that.

Okay anyone who knows me knows I'm not washing dishes ... I'd never even have a reason to put a beer down here. How did this beer get in here?

In the Todd Oliver household, the LADIES do the dishes.  

Unless they tell me I have to do them, because in that case, I do them.

A rare photo, by me, that doesn't make Gina Gray look like she's picking her nose.

I admit it.  I love photos of chicks washing dishes.  Cracks me up every time, I don’t know why.  Moments later they showered me with hot threesome loving.   And by ‘hot threesome loving,’ I mean they both bossed me around for an hour, generally nagged me and then, you know, gave me ‘hot threesome loving’.

This one really makes sense, I'm going to the garage to have a smoke and forgot my beer near the garage door ... innocent really. This is the door to the garage.

I smoke.  I don’t mind going outside to do it or even going into the basement…

In the garage it's pretty SOP, put the beer on Rick's hood ... no chance of forgetting a beer on Rick's BMW hood.

I feel like I should be honest here.  Honest about Rick’s BMW and how I treat it.  I don’t always put the beer on the hood.   That would be a, “dick move”.   Sometimes, just to mix it up, I put it inside the car.

What man hasn't left his beer in a place like this once or twice ....

Yeah my house has a urinal.  Some houses in Germany do.   Not that unusual.  What was unusual, is that Dagmar and our good friend Alex had a bizarre discussion once about how you couldn’t poop in it … as if that was ever up for debate.

Okay, look sure, once or twice I forgot a beer here.

Dear Alex and Dagmar, this is where you poop weirdoes.  For the record this is my bathroom, which explains the smell of awesome and the extra toilet paper … extra awesome requires extra toilet paper.

After a long day I like to read my beer a story before tucking it in for the night.

There it is ... safely tucked into bed.

Actually this photo seems retarded now.  When I took it (after having drank said beer) I found it HYSTERICAL.   “Aww there’s my little beer, all tucked into bed,” drunk Todd thought.  Sober, I think, in retrospect, it makes no sense and really, really isn’t that funny.  Anyway what IS funny is that I took it on Dagmar’s side of the bed. 

You know incase some of the leftover beer spilled, I don’t want that crap on MY pillow.

Anyway … Sometimes you find it JUST WHERE YOU LEFT IT ….

In my defense, I was distracted when I left it here.

Yeah all this for a (insert your own … starts with a b and ends with job, not steve jobs, unless you’re into that) joke…

Cats aren’t smarter than dogs …

no real update today other than to remind everyone that, cats are retarded

Cats bring us mice when we DON”T want mice.

At all.

Here is our cat being retarded about birds on an iPod …

Cats are retarded. 

Army Guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood.

I like me some Rick Bumgardner.  I DO!   When not stealing other people’s clothes* he’s a nice guy, generally a good dude, all around.

One thing though that a lot of you might not know about Rick is that he is a stickler for details.  Remember those mattress tags, the ones back in the 80s before they became comedic fodder?  When they said “Do not remove under penalty of law” with no mention of the joke-killing,” except by customer” line added later?  Remember those?

Yeah, Rick was the kind of dude that took that shit seriously.

Remember when cans of soda said, “serving size two”?   Rick, I’m positive, drank half and then saved the other half, because the instructions TOLD HIM TOO!

He’s a lot like my wife with his blind adherence to the instructions.   That’s probably why I hate love him so much.   Rick, if you’re unaware, is an award-winning (many time over) photographer and videographer.   Very talented with either a still camera or a video camera.   But he’s also the kind of dude that reads the instructions, FULLY, before opening a box of Capt’n Crunch.

That’s why I’ve decided to drive him insane.

Several weeks ago, Rick parked his brand new baby in my garage.  A 2010 BMW.  And OH boy, ain’t she pretty.  I know she’s pretty because every time I go into the garage to smoke or to get a beer (or BOTH!) I get to look at it.   It’s so blue it’s like an ocean.  That hood just so blank, open, blank.  Blank like a … like a what?  Like a blank slate?   Like a blank easel?   Like a blank frame?  Like a blank … I got it, like a blank canvas!

In fact here it is. Even knowing that the car is INSIDE a garage Rick put the windshield wipers up. Is it going to SNOW in my garage Rick? Dork.

I don’t know about you but when I see a blank canvas my mind immediately thinks of that age-old kid game, army guys vs. dinosaurs.   You know you find a suitable pile of dirt in the back yard.  You had a handful of green-plastic army guys (complete with bazooka dude, grenade man and pistol guy) and another handful of candy-colored dinosaurs and oh man they were gonna fight!

So, because I know you’re all excited about this, I give you Army guys vs. Dinosaurs on Rick’s BMW hood.
Here are our heroes preparing for the dinosaur attack that will be coming any minute.
But the dinosaurs look pretty scary … RAWR!!!!!!
I’ve tried to be as historically accurate as possible with this kind of fight, notice the dinosaurs were lined up (mostly) by threes? I like to pay attention to the details. The stupid triceratops won’t stay in formation, as usual.
Dinosaurs have no idea about tactics or bullets or even what mortars are, so they just charge … Landmine sweeper dude kind of feeling like a retard I bet.
Good thing the army guys have guns and stuff … stupid dinosaurs … wait thought …. What’s that?
Look out forward man! Noooooooooooo ….
Officer guy saves the day, but not before forward man had his face eaten off by a T-Rex .
Prone man and machine gun dude are doing a great job and flame thrower guy lines up to kill the charging blue dinosaurs with HOT JUICE!
Army guys win, Good job army guys. Dinosaur BBQ and extra beer rations for all!

For the record I am taking suggestions for future performances on Rick’s BMW hood.   Maybe some historical battles from the civil war (the south are the dinosaurs!) maybe an epic replaying of the battle of Thermopolis?  Maybe a scene from, “the Lord of the Rings” you know the one with the swords and the orcs?

Just so I don’t seem like a sexist pig, well like ANYMORE of a sexist pig, I’d even be willing to reenact a few chick flicks.   Got a favorite Thelma and Louise scene (car chase, amiright!?!) or maybe a great moment from driving Ms. Daisy?  Let me know ladies, the blank canvas of Ricks hood knows NO boundaries!

Leave a comment and I’ll reenact it for you … cause it’s just that much fun.

Here’s Rick stealing stuff that IS NOT HIS!

* While on a buisness trip with Rick, on the way to a pizza/beer place, I stopped and bought a shirt at some store.   At the restaurant I went outside to smoke and when I came back Rick was WEARING my new shirt while EATING pizza.  I knew then this had to be done.