Monthly Archives: February 2012

Facebook wall photos that piss me off …


Okay look I know I’ve got very little or even no room to talk here but I’m going to talk anyway.   My facebook feed has been blown up over the past several months with shit like this.  Yeah yeah we all (well mostly all) do it but are some of the ones that either made me laugh (for the wrong reasons) or made me litterally roll my eyes.

Cancer is BAD!

I admit it, I was too cool.

Remember the old email spam that said for every forward of an email Bill Gates will donkey-punch a hooker, err I mean he would give a nickel to (insert the charity here)?  If you ever recieved one you (hopefully) rolled your eyes and questioned the wisdom of getting gramma an internet connection.  As retarded as those emails were, this one is even worse.   How is posting this honoring anyone or anything?   This has the exact same effect of my opening my bedroom window and yelling, “I honor cancer victims” really, really loudly.   Actually that has more effect, I’ll annoy the neighbors and I might scare a cat.  You want to show me that you honor cancer victims?  Upload a receipt of your donation to a cancer charity or better yet do some volunteer work.   That honors cancer victims.  Jesus Christ, I need a fucking cigarette.    

  Look, if I was 100% truthful you’d beat the crap out of me

This one I think is for people that never got over the whole Santa Clause thing.   

Basically, Santa was having an affair with your mom, you knew that right?

 Fine, but sit down and have a drink first.  Yes you’re too fat.  That’s an ugly baby.  You really are stupid.   That dress makes you look like a whore.  I thought your idea was idiotic.   I haven’t written or called because I don’t give a shit.  Oh yeah and you’re new hobby doesn’t interest me at all.  I’m going out for a drink with the boys because you’re driving me insane.  I bought you this expensive gift because I thought it would get me into your pants.   I spent little Jonny’s college fund on hookers and blow last weekend in Vegas, the bank didn’t a mistake.

You’re right that was better.

 No, it really doesn’t matter, even though you think it does

After its all over I'm having a beer

Look, if we’re really gone, as in dead, it doesn’t  matter, at all.   How we treat each other matters right now, not later and surely not after we’re dead.   On my tombstone put:

Todd Oliver*
Born blah, blah, blah
Died blah, blah, blah.

 * he was an asshole

 I’ll be gone.  I won’t mind, It’s okay really.

Yeah, yeah I know this is talking about after the agruement but when I first read it I thought it meant after we’re dead.

  This or That? When or Why

lolz at fat gurls!

I know exactly when this happened; it was Nov 20, 1993 at exactly 4:13 p.m., I remember because I was eating a cheeseburger. 

It was a really good cheeseburger. 

Why did this become hotter than this?   That’s the real question here isn’t it?   I can tell you why, because you and me and every one of us ‘bought’ it.

 We drive the market for this shit not the other way around.    As an aside anyone else find it hysterical that we Americans get collectively fatter each year while our super models could blend in with famine victims?  

That shit cracks me up.

I ♥ ‘MERICA!

Get yer gun!

 

I post on face book a lot of political shit.  Seriously it’s a lot of politicl crap, my wild ass guess is that about 50% of what I say there relates to politics.  But even this, were it to reflect my political opinions, is over the top.

Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up. 

Eighty Six percent of the people reading this are going to finally have 100% proof  that you’re an idiot.   Your two redneck friends from high school will repost it and your coworkers are going to eye you suspiciously at work tomorrow.

Term limits.  Good idea, if only we had some sort of voting system to help us with that.

Balanced budget AND tax reform?  I hope you were extra good this year if that’s what you’re hoping to get for Christmas.  You want these things?  Good idea, next time you vote for a senator, congressman or even the president, make sure the he or she can compromise a bit.  That’s how this  should work, each side gives a little and the result is in the middle.   Simply yelling ‘no’, is what two year olds do.

No freebies to non citizens and closed borders, first off no voy a recoger la lechuga de mierda and does the term xenophobia mean anything to you?  Because you forgot to add it I’ll give you a free one, no shira law either, amiright?  

The constitution and the bill of rights are great but how is that culture?   Look you can have a bill of rights and a constitution and live in a society where every second Sunday of the month all males over the age of 16 dip their balls in green paint and yell, “I have green balls” because that’s the cultural norm.  

English is a language.   Now  please look up culture, thanks.  

Ahh here is the nut of it, “Obama gone”.  Relax man he will be gone … in 2016.

 Lay off the drugs (while on Facebook)

 This one is just weird.  It’s like Frodo from Lord of the Rings meets soft porn and well she does have a sweet

I think I need this printed on a shirt

rack.  Anyway, can anyone explain this?   I thought not.   Has anyone told that three wolf one moon guy at Amazon about this image?  Can someone?  Thanks.

And finally …

That's great. Are you going to show me your boobs or not?

You know who else was a best friend and a worst nightmare, Hitler.  Are you saying women are like Hitler?  Surely someone considered Hitler their best friend, maybe an old high-school buddy or that kid that grew up next to him.   He was the guy in the bar that would say, “What about Adolf, he’s my best friend you know.”   Minus the whole genocide, invasion of western and eastern Europe thing I fully agree.   Women are like Hitler.

Holy crap I’m naked and so are they!


This this photo I found on the internet? It proves Germany is cold, cause the internet never lies!

Germany is a cold, wet, cold, freezing, cloud covered, cold, testicle shrinking, shivering, cold country. But it has really good beer and food so; you know it’s a balance. I’ve lived here with Dagmar since about 2006. I think I could go on and on about Germany and Germans. Little quirks, annoying things, stuff that is just bizarre, stuff I wish more Americans did (myself included) … it’s obviously its own country with its own identity and culture.

This is about the German, or at least a part of the German culture that has absolutely no aversion to nudity. Let me refine that a bit. At German saunas people, both male and female, mingle nude and it’s not as weird as you think. Or it is as weird as you think but they don’t care, they’re naked.

As any ten year old with the ability to set Google’s safe search option to off likely understands, beaches in Europe are generally topless. Actually I can get rid of the qualifying ‘generally’ I think. It seems safe to say that on any given beach in Europe, you will find topless women (and men!)

Someone recently asked me why I was still here in Europe. The above paragraph is the reason. It’s topless beaches and beer. I can drink a beer and see lots and lots of boobies. And I like beer and boobies and together … well it’s a little like heaven.

But back to saunas. Germans, and a lot of people I guess, think there are health benefits to sauna going. I have no clue if they’re right or not but I do know I sort of enjoy the sauna, more so in the winter when the thermometer is pegging out at a high in the 20s.

This is what i will deal with for an eternity when I die ...

The place I’m most familiar with is a water park named, oddly enough, Miramar. If you have kids I think you’ve been to a similar place. It has a giant wave pool, screaming children, water slides, screaming children, inner tube rides, screaming children and a snack bar/real bar occupied by, you guessed it, screaming children.

Why the hell would I go to a place infested with screaming children you might be asking because apart from the kids play area they have an extensive clothed area that consists of hot pools and quiet rooms and, most importantly, they have the nude side.

The Nude Side.

NAKED PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!

As you enter the nude side, the entrance to which is only sorta, kinda hidden from the clothing side (walking to one of the clothed pools you’re basically looking directly into the entrance) you are immediately accosted by all shapes, sizes and ages of nakedness. Although it’s the ‘line in the sand’ where you are expected to remove your bathing suit and stow any items like keys, wallets or what have you in lockers there are, unsurprisingly a lot of people well, naked.

After disrobing, because the Germans have a rule for everything (but this is a good rule) you’re expected to shower before entering the actual sauna and swimming area. Interestingly, or not, 99% of the sauna goers don’t just walk around naked, they have a towel or more often a robe on between the saunas. This percentage drops considerably in the warmer months but still the general rule is if you’re not in a sauna or in the pool, you’re covered up.

To sum up the ‘textile free” or nude side, it consists of five indoor saunas, two tubs (one warmish and the other BONECHILLINGLY cold) two ‘quiet rooms’ and a (cause it’s Europe) snack bar/restaurant area devoid of any screaming children.

Outside there is a pool, four smaller saunas, the ‘Sauna Maximus’ (a HUGE sauna) and another quiet area.

Inside the non-special saunas, people come and go as they please. Some like the Jagersauna outside are super hot, others like the aroma sauna have aromas like lemon or of straw.

Inside these sauna’s everyone sits from toe to buttocks on a towel and … wait.

HOLY CRAP I’M NAKED!

I think this is the point where I need to address the naked part because some of you are thinking this is very weird, pervy or just fucking insane. You’re all wrong and you’re all right. Taking off your bathing suit is weird for the first time, for the first five minutes. After that you start to realize that the atmosphere in a German Sauna area is about as sexy as a hospital visit. For a moment you think, HOLY FUCKING JESUS I’M NAKED AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!”

But then the thought ends because well, everyone is naked. You quickly realize that all men have a penis and when not erect it looks like, well, a non-erect penis. All girls have two pronounced breasts and a vagina. Strip away (ha-ha!) any hint of romance, lust or sex and again it’s as sexually stimulating as a medical text book. Besides there is a lot of looking straight ahead, lots of eye contact. No one, you can be reasonably sure, is checking you out** because you really don’t stand out, even though you’re naked.

Guys reading this might be thinking, but aren’t there some hot girls, hot naked girls?

Yes there are but again it’s simply not a sexual environment. I confess I have thought, wow nice body but in a sea of bodies it’s akin to saying wow that’s a nice tree, in a forest.

For the record I’m rarely actually in a forest because it’s very hard to get a beer there unless you bring it yourself and then, what the fuck are you doing drinking in a forest retard? A bear is going to eat you.

Every hour, on the hour, a special group sauna is held in either an indoor sauna or the ‘Sauna Maximus’ outside. These group saunas are where it turns weird. Until now the saunas are basically sparsely populated (never difficult to find an open spot). Now though it turns into a packed sauna where you will sit, naked (on your own towel), shoulder to shoulder and leg to leg.

HOLY CRAP I’M NAKED WITH ABOUT SIXTY OTHER PEOPLE, ITS HOTTER THEN HELL AND SOME IDIOT IS MAKING IT HOTTER.

You have to get to the group sauna’s a good 10 minutes early or you’re going to have to fight for a seat, you might even be turned away. Contrary to what I said in the paragraph previous to this there’s no actual skin to skin contact but it’s close and yeah you do bump into the person next to you. If you just said ewwww swapping sweat with strangers oh nooooes! Yeah it certainly happens but you shower immediately afterwards so …

It's like this, only a lot bigger and with a lot of naked people. Also there's no guy in charge of making even friggen HOTTER!

At the scheduled time the sauna master comes in, closes the door and the fun begins. No shit the place has people that are in charge of the sauna event, its Germany after all. Usually there is a quick introduction, some joke I’m not likely to understand and then the buckets of water are poured onto the rocks cranking the heat up to eleven. The sauna master, clothed mind you in shorts and a teeshirt, then starts to wave a towel over his or her head while walking around the sauna, this is an effort to crank the heat up past the mystic eleven and into the unknown twelve. They are successful. It gets up to “HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT” temperatures in a short amount of time. Then they usually do some sort of gimmick. Two of my favorites are the honey sauna and the salt sauna.

In the honey sauna they, no shit, I’m not making this up and I’m not drunk, they pass out small cups of honey which you are then expected to rub on yourself. If you never seen a room full of naked people vigorously rubbing themselves with honey while a clothed person twirls a towel over their heads you haven’t been to a German sauna. I don’t need hallucinogens I’ve rubbed honey on my naked body with total strangers. The purpose of this is to attract insects and or to give your skin the ability to sweeten tea. Actually I have no idea what the purpose is but I’m sure it’s a skincare thing.

mmmmmm honey, a super hot room and sweat!

My other favorite (well the honey thing isn’t a favorite it just cracks me up – who the hell thought of that) is the salt sauna. The salt sauna I actually like. I’m a heterosexual male and I realize that what I’m about to type will make everyone reading this question that statement but the salt sauna makes your skin super smooth. Halfway through this sauna, just when you’re thinking that your body can’t really be producing the amount of sweat it is currently producing , they pass out small cups of rock salt.

Rock salt, not just for deicing your driveway but for vigorously rubbing all over your naked body too!

Cup of salt in hand you pour a bit on your leg, arm chest, everywhere and scrub. Words of caution do not get this shit in your eyes and any little open wound (shaving nick, cut on a finger) is about to sting like hell. But the after effect is, again I am a heterosexual male, really smooth skin. I find myself hours later going, why are my arms to smooth, oh yeah salt sauna.

Then just when you feel faint, just when you can’t take another moment of heat, just when you think you’re about to catch on fire the sauna master opens the door and everyone pours outside. Typically they have some sort of refreshment available, a Popsicle or a glass of tea or a piece of candy.

This is another one of those, am I really seeing/participating in this moment? Buck naked except for flip flops a group of anywhere from 20 to 60 men and women eating a popsicle, drinking tea desperately trying to cool down. Germans love, love, love to immediately after leaving a sauna dunk themselves in cold water and there are showers and buckets everywhere for just that purpose. I’m interested in not having a heart attack or enticing my testicle to relocate into my abdomen so except for a few experimental tries I forgo this aspect of the sauna.

That’s the naked German sauna experience in a nutshell. After round after round of sweat like a man waiting on the results of the girlfriend’s pregnancy test it’s time for a beer and maybe a bit to eat and then it’s over.

There is one other aspect of this ‘experience’ that I’ll save for another day, the two days a week that the whole damned place goes ‘textile free’. At seven P.M. there is an announcement and magically everyone is naked … the transition is, to me at least, funny for its own reasons .. more about that next time.

* Yes. If you’ve known me more than 10 minutes you fully understand that after the fifth beer I’m as likely to remove all of my clothing, regardless of the situation, as a two-year old … I am unable with beer to resist nearly any dare, it’s my gift/curse.

** No one is checking you out unless you’ve done something that screams CHECK ME OUT. There is an older man, Dagmar and I call ‘him look at my penis man’, who is about 70 and I’m reasonably certain that he must have been a sailor in the 1970s as he’s covered in aged tattoos and, get this, has more piercings on his penis and scrotum than is reasonable or even sane. I have seen him engaged with other Germans discussing his artwork (I assume, all parties involved were looking directly at his junk so I can’t imagine is a discussion about Greek debt). There are a few ‘personalities’ at the sauna that Dagmar and I laugh about … more about them next time though.