Monthly Archives: March 2012

‘Merica … F’ Yeah! HOLY CRAP America its food, booze, anger and food — deep fried thoughts from Baltimore

You can put anything you want into the Chocolate Fountain ... food, drinking cups, fingers ... not your wiener though; I found that out the hard way.

You can put anything you want into the Chocolate Fountain ... food, drinking cups, fingers ... not your wiener though; I found that out the hard way.

Living in Europe for the past ten years might, just might skew your perspective on things.  Although I have had a few chances to come back, mainly for work, nothing beats visiting family – for showcasing how bat-shit whacky this place really is.   Coming back to the U.S. for work means, hotels, meetings and hotel bars, boring.  Coming to spend a week near Fells Point in Baltimore means distilled crazy, and I love it.    Next week we head to upstate New York where I hope there’s nothing more to make fun of than cows and well cooked food – Baltimore it ain’t.

Holy shit the news isn’t lying.    Has 33 percent of America spent the last ten years in a non-stop donut eating contest?  Fat jokes are easy to make, easier when you’re skinny sure, but easy none the less.   I can’t say I was shocked by the overall weight here but I was shocked when visiting, all you can shove down your food-hole franchise, the “Golden Corral.”  Having made the rookie mistake of ceding that night’s dinner choice to a 17-year-old (‘Let’s go to the Corral, they have a chocolate fountain’ – should have been a clue that bad decisions were afoot) we set our GPS to deep-fried mistakes and off we went.

I want to call the Golden Corral a war-zone but that is very disrespectful to war-torn cities across the world.   Gluttonous, filthy and all around ‘gross’ seem more appropriate descriptions but they lack the ‘holy fuck are you eating MORE’ eloquence I was hoping to convey.  

Fine, I’m being uptight prick, but dear lord the this plastic dinnerware, heaping plates of half eaten food and the micro layer of something best described as ‘sticky’ that covers every surface (including I think the food) made the meal interesting.   One wishes they had a sociologist friend alongside that could help define or at least attempt to explain the ravenous herds of people vying for a plates full of pan fried shrimp covered in turkey gravy (I’m only sort of kidding).     Sadly, I think I can explain it without the use of a doctorate.  American’s like to eat, they like to eat NOW and every dish can be made better by deep frying.

I confess I’m very used to being the drunkest person in situations where no one is drunk at all.   I think nothing of having a beer(s) at the airport bar at 9 a.m.   I have no issue navigating a check out line in Germany with a head full of beer.   Eyes forward, greet the check-out lady, hand her the cash, bag the purchase and get out.  It’s really quite simple.   

Here in Baltimore, I’m an amateur.  At 1 p.m. on a Tuesday while the girls shopped for groceries I ventured across the street to pick up a six pack of beer.   Beer, wine and liquor can only be purchased in liquor stores here for some reason.  I was going to spend some time making fun of America’s draconian laws regarding liquor until …

While the young lady behind the counter and I had a pleasant discussion about the location of Heineken I was accosted by what I’m sure is the drunkest person in the world.  First, after stumbling into the store in what I was sure was the start of some brilliant street comedy skit, she corrected my greeting the clerk, informing me (with breath that would kill a lesser man) that she was not to be referred to as “Ma’am” but as “Mom”.    The 50-something African American Mom could barely contained her look of disgust and I can’t blame her.   The drunken 30-something Caucasian lady would have been (correctly) drown at birth if “Mom” had her way.    Then the drunken lady notices I’m purchasing cigarettes and loudly, but in the drunk loudly-slurish way, asks that I provide her with a cigarette.   This, and it’s obviously testament to my lack of dealing with drunk skills, seems like a way to sever the conversation so that the clerk and I can continue our discussion of the weather.  Cigarette in hand my drunken entertainer then informs Mom that I’m also going to buy her a 40 ounce … I’m not making this up, a 40 ounce. 

I loved every fucking second.

Dear America.  For a country that seemingly has the automobile as a centerpiece of its culture you fuckers can’t drive.   No one, that includes you reading this right now, bothers to signal a lane change.   Everyone passes on the right and that’s because there’s always some shithead in the passing lane doing exactly the speed limit.   Any attempts to merge are seen as a direct threat to the other driver’s manhood, patriotism or sexual orientation.    In fact most every maneuver that doesn’t include driving forward at a constant speed is met with a string of profanity that has taught me several new swearing lessons.  For instance I did not know I was a “rat-shit bastard fuck stain”.

You Baltimore, you’re the guy; right there you’re the guy.

Point is, for a nation that literally forces you to drive to the bathroom, the ‘rule of the road’ seems to be, ‘fuck you, go around.’  Look Germans are funny for a lot of reasons, driving isn’t one of them.   There are, to be sure, asshole German drivers.  I cannot count the times I’ve been passing a truck on the autobahn only to discover mister, my penis is too small

Not a single f-bomb was thrown during this drive

Not a single f-bomb was thrown during this drive

so I bought a Porsche, ramming the hood of his car up my ass while vigorously flashing his light in an attempt to let me know that he would like to continue driving at a safe and reasonable 310 Kph and I should kindly complete my lane change.  But it really is the exception and not the rule.   When German’s merge lanes they use the zipper effect meaning that if you’re in the lane being merged into you let a car merge in front of you and the driver behind you does the same.    Generally it works out for all parties involved.

Not here.   In a quick and simple trip to the mall I watched at least 5 different drivers fly into spittle flying, fist shaking rages of self-righteousness all due to some dickhead that had the balls to (without signaling) pull in front of them.  You need to watch it fatty; you’re ticker’s already working overtime keeping the blood pumping around all that girth.

 Okay when the hell did fucking pajamas become acceptable attire anywhere outside the home?   Even the endangered slim and attractive American female seems to have embraced this crime against the eyes.   Pajama bottoms, baggy sweatshirt and flip-flops?   Sign me up for the ballet, I’m ready to go!   At the airport rental car counter there was one young lady, who was either pregnant or a typical American, whose choice of apparel that evening seemed to say, yes I am fat and here’s a direct look at my fat.  Yes sir, I’m keenly aware that my shirt does not only fail to cover my ample stomach but that it literally screams look at my fried-food educed blubber. 

I used to love, literally I would become giddy and start to giggle, to make fun of the American Forces Network.    I’ve devised hours and hours of ways I could make fun of their command information commercials espousing those of us overseas to be good neighbors, pick up after our dogs and to not rape women.

No more.

Here’s my apology AFN:  I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart American Forces Network.  You provide quality programming to those of us living overseas at little or no cost and your commercials are generally (if not comically) correct, raping women is bad, turn down your goddamn stereo and pick up your dog’s poop.

I mean it.   My step daughter has something called ‘on-demand’.   Which, with a simple push of a button, shows you every television show ever made, anywhere in the world, in any language and at any time. 

No, no honey go on without me, I've got to catchup on every damn show ever...

No, no honey go on without me, I've got to catchup on every damn show ever...

Look, I know I can come off as a prick and saying things like “I don’t watch TV” makes it worse but fuck, I think I understand why America is fat (aside from deep-fried everything).   America is fat because holy fuck there’s ANOTHER show I want to watch and it’s on right fucking now.   Such wonderful television adventures as ‘Mob Wives’ ( what’s wrong with that woman’s mouth) to every single ‘I want to be famous show’ is available whenever you want.  No waiting until next week, no waiting until its 7 p.m.    It’s on right fucking now so grab that extra large bag (available at Walmart) of chocolate flavored Doritos and have a seat.

Sure making fun of one’s country is fun but man did I forget some of the good stuff.   America is convenient.  Anything you want, at anytime you want it is available with minimal effort.     I was informed at a clothing store that if they didn’t have the size of jeans I needed they would happily deliver them to my house.    They would literally call the other stores until they found the size jeans I needed and then DELIVER them to my house while I ate Doritos watching Tosh.o reruns using ‘On Demand’.  If you decide you need a chainsaw, lubricant and a blow up doll at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday (and who hasn’t)  you can get it here, no questions asked with minimal effort.  

While dinner at a restaurant in Italy can, and typically does, take four or more hours German is not much different.   Waiter service isn’t bad it just not speedy.    Here my beer is barely drained before the server is sloshing down another frothy cold one and asking what else I might desire.  Service is beyond good, the scientists studying the hadron collider should look to American restaurant staff member if they’d like a better understanding of how objects react at or near the speed of light.

Dem ladies to GOP dudes; stop legislating stuff into our vaginas and we’ll leave your rectum alone

While scanning the Huffington Post this morning I found this bit of happy news, Virginia State Sen. Janet Howell (D), sponsored a bill requiring that men receive a rectal exam before allowing a doctor to proscribe erectile enhancement drugs.

I want to buy Ms. Howell a beer, or a glass of wine or whatever the hell she wants to drink because, aside from the message here, that’s brilliantly funny.  

Life in 1950 was pretty boring and that's the way the GOP liked it.

To anyone not paying attention, the GOP’s efforts to turn the clock back to 1951 in regards to women’s reproductive rights are hitting the news channels with frightening (read it’s an election year) regularity.   It’s as if the GOP is standing on the nation’s soap box yelling that women can’t be trusted with their own bodies and that if everyone would just stop with all the fucking the world would be pure again.  Purely empty maybe but you get my meaning.

While I’m sure most republican’s realize Mad Men is not a reality show and that it’s in fact 2012, the rest of us thought we’d solved this whole contraceptives, abortion, women’s health debate years ago.

Apparently we were misinformed.

In February Virginia attempted to require that doctors perform a vaginal ultrasound before allowing a woman to have an abortion.  While there are legitimate, if only because of state law, reasons prior to an abortion, for a vaginal and other types of ultrasound public outcry, correctly, pointed out that the doctor is more likely to know which procedure is best and which is just a state-mandated, invasive, and all around ‘get your ass back in the kitchen’ misogynistic bullshit.

This from the side of the fence that constantly screams about Obama Care being an example of invasive government.

Arizona also joined in the fun.   But in typical Arizona fashion they added their own “just fucking mean” amendment to their abortion bill.*   In effect they tried to make it legal for your doctor to lie to you, you meaning a woman, you know the lesser sex.  “No ma’am you’re not pregnant, that morning sickness can all be attributed to bad tacos and come back in a few months when you’ve already discovered the truth.”

What? You're black AND the president? I'm gonna have to have one of my sheriffs investigate this shitz!

Jesus Christ Arizona, when not yelling at the president on national TV, decrying that the president isn’t a natural born citizen or hassling brown people you’re writing laws that tell doctors its okay to lie to their patients.   People often look to Florida for crazy state politics and with good reason.   Arizona though also has crazy politics, but unlike Florida, in Az. it’s just fucking mean.

Also if you look at … wait!  Holy crap I just really, really read those links and while Virginia and Arizona are getting the flak, both bills have ALREADY been adopted by lots of other states.  Those sneaky bastards.

This paragraph, the one your reading right now, was going to be a nod to Ron Paul supporters.   I was going to say that although I think he’s a little too out there on some issues his stance on no government interference in reproductive rights is dead on the money.   Was. Going. To.  Key words, there because even libertarian ‘die in the street if you don’t have health insurance’ candidate Ron Paul is against a woman’s right to decide.  

That’s why both Huffington Post links are just that hysterical.   (Mostly) women legislators throwing the crazy right back in to the GOP’s faces.  

While some states want to mandate a vaginal probe with a 10 inch … dildo?  No.  A 10-inch vibrator?  No that wasn’t the term it’s a 10 inch sonogram wand.   I’m not making that up, although Gary Trudeau’s of Doonesbury fame, is catching flack for calling these bills out for what they are, and referring to the devices as  ‘shaming wands’ which strikes closer to the law’s intent I think.    Here’s a link to the actual cartoon and here’s a link to the rape quote he used in an interview with the Guardian.   Rape might be a bit strong but what do you call a medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound?   I mean it does sound kind of ‘rapey’ or just fucking plain out creepy.  It also takes ‘intrusive government health care’ to a different level

On many business trips, millions and millions of innocent sperm lose their lives ...

There’s the spilled semen bill (I’m not kidding) which I think was a Monty Python skit that seeks to, no shit, criminalizes men who ejaculate anywhere but inside a woman’s vagina.  You’re killing my porn but it just might be worth it.  There’s also Illinois state Rep. Kelly Cassidy who wants to force men hoping for a Viagra prescription to watch a film about men with painful boners.  Which I have to say is hysterical as well and bringing home the point.   You want boner pills?  Fine but first you have to watch this three hour movie of a man groaning in agony with an erect, throbbing, painful purple cock.   I’ll just press play, popcorn with extra butter anyone?

 Finally there’s this quote from the article:

Representatives of the Family Research Council Jeanne Monahan said, “… it’s an invasive surgery with real consequences, and I would think that most women want more rather than less information before having one.”

Which makes me wonder what the fuck Jeanne thinks Google and or conversations with doctors are for?  Well fair question is you live in Arizona I guess.

If you’re reading this and you’re planning on voting come November and specially if you have a vagina, but even if you don’t, I hope you take all these things into consideration and remember that only one party is out to fuck you, with a 10-inch shaming wand.

*to be fair the Arizona law has a sort of/kind of honest background.   It’s about couples that aren’t informed by their doctors that the fetus has some sort of deliberating medical condition which, after birth, causes said couples to, rightly I would guess; sue the fuck out of the doctor.   Although why the law is written in such a way that doesn’t help the couples as opposed to the doctor is anyone’s guess (hint: it’s Arizona is likely a good guess).

Not really an update except … watch this kid TOTALLY eat a lemon and freak out … not a real update

Forget babies eating lemons.  For real, no crap this is sour/tart facial expressions turn to a six-year old.   Here, Rick (BMW Rick) convinces six-year old Tyler to eat a lemon on camera …  

Search Terms Shenanigans and Spam …

Hopefully this becomes a quick and easy way to update this place on the day’s I don’t feel like writing a bunch of crap don’t have anything ready.

Let’s call it Search Terms Shenanigans and Land of Spam …

First up Search Terms Shenanigans! I love looking at reasons people read my blog. Sometimes it’s exactly the search terms I’d suspect. Blog update about Rush Limbaugh and the Catholic Church would, you’d expect search terms like Rush, Limbaugh and Catholic Church. But sometimes …

Did you catch it? Kind of hard to miss “erectiond in mixed compamy” I guess.

Some delightful individual is out there googling erections in mixed company … and who am I to judge another man’s porn query. On the chance it’s an embarrassed 13 year old googling this because he’s worried all the kids in class are going to notice his ‘condition’ and laugh hysterically let me take a moment to assure you that they are all going to notice your condition and laugh hysterically.

And from the Land of Spam!

WordPress, seems to do a very good job of blocking spam posters. There are more spam posts than actual posts. The good news is that if I ever need a quick and easy virus (computer or sexual) I have hundreds and hundreds of links to choose from! Viagra questions, Ask me! Wondering where you can buy some cheap, not counterfeit meds? I’m your guy … but from the pits of the Land of Spam I found this:

I was helpful?

Sir, I assume you are a sir because helicopter flying game is a DAMN silly user name for girl (they should have names like hot vixen, horny co-ed or I HAVE BOOBS, as we all know).

Anyway sir, I would like to point out that I have NEVER offered anything remotely considered good advice here.

Homophobic Master Sgt. to Stars and Stripes, ‘teh gays are gross!’

Corey thinks this photo makes baby Jesus cry ...

Today in the European edition of the Stars and Stripes newspaper a Master Sergeant serving in Afghanistan offered readers this wonderful piece  (link). While the letter’s to the editor section of Stars and Stripes has long been both the equivalent to an internet fight among 7th graders (Is not! Is to!) it’s also typically filled with wonderfully retarded opinions. Normally I chuckle and read Pearls before Swine but Corey Wade really caught my attention.

Dear Corey,

How’s the hatred of the gays going?  Seems you’re boiling over in fact with hate. I’d watch the blood pressure; maybe write Limbaugh or Reverend Jones a letter to provide a little relief. From reading this letter you seem to have gotten yourself into a good old fashioned bible- thumping rage over it. That’s awesome, good job … wait a minute.

Did I just read that right Corey? You’re a master sergeant in the U.S. military? Holy shit dude you’re likely in charge of people! I think you might even be the kind of person that the Sergeant Major of the Army talked about recently. The kind he talked about getting rid of I mean.

Okay, because I like you, I’m going to help.

You see in November of 2008 this guy was elected to be our president. I know, I know you didn’t vote for him but the majority of us did and he won. Democracy is a great thing isn’t it? One of those things we both have in common, you and I Corey, is that we love our country. Anyway one of the things he promised was that he’d repeal don’t ask don’t tell.

A lot of people, myself included, thought the whole DADT was kind of like segregation. You don’t think segregation in our armed services was a good thing do you? Good, I hoped not. That aside, our feelings (yours AND mine) really don’t matter (well yours don’t, I’m retired). See the guys and gals in charge (some of them might even be gay guys and gals) said, with the President’s permission, “You can now serve openly if you’re homosexual.”

End of debate.

Now here’s where my heartburn comes with your lovely little hate-filled rant. I really only give it a 6 on a scale of 1 – 10 for general hate-filled shitgasims but for utter bullshit, you’re off the charts Corey. Have a lollypop, good job.

I assume you attended the repeal of DADT Training, I did and it was a hoot! Maybe you had to go to the bathroom when this bullet statement was on the screen.

The Army maintains:

  • Zero tolerance for harassment, violence, or discrimination

I assume you missed it because you wrote: It’s bad enough to publish articles that cover the debauchery of homosexuality.

Were I your subordinate and gay (I’m neither), I’d be more than a little hesitant about approaching you for anything/everything. You’ve basically told me that I’m disgusting and or a sinner. I’m guessing it more of an ‘and’ not an ‘or’ but that’s just a guess. What kind of leader does that make you?  If your subordinates know you think their sexuality makes you disgusting and a sinner I mean.  Do you think that might call into question your ability to take care of your subordinates? I think so, but I also think bible-thumping, narrow-minded bigots in positions of power should be shouted down at every opportunity.

You see Corey, your opinion, no matter how backwards, hateful and wrong, doesn’t matter.

If I, in 1948 had said Harry S. Truman was a fucktard and the ‘the blacks (and let’s be honest, no one said blacks)’ shouldn’t serve next to whites you’d rightfully think I was a racist scumbag and an idiot to boot. You, my good friend, are a bible thumping homophobe … thou doth protest too much!

Besides being a shitty leader by letting your personal beliefs get in the way of your duty you’re also, very fucking wrong. Making fun of statements that are just chocked full of bull-shit is always more fun (to me) than picking on someone’s belief in an invisible man in the sky.

While the bible may or may not say homosexuality it wrong, we all know there’s a lot of whacky stuff in there.   How do you pick and chose which parts you’re going to follow and which parts you’re going to ignore?   Have you let any cattle graze with other kinds of cattle lately? Know any Buddhists? I think you’re supposed to kill them. I propose at your next bible study session you ask the group what the official stance on sitting on a seat that a menstruating woman has sat on is, do you have to kill her too or what? That book is just full of rules, a lot of them made sense (maybe) when we were still living in mud huts but they have no place in today’s society. 

Finally some factual fun: here’s this little gem from your letter.

“The vast majority of military members I know do not support homosexuality.”

Nobody’s asking you to go to a gay-pride parade here buddy. You can even keep your narrow-minded bigotry if you

Gay people obviously have more fun than straight people at parades ...

really want to but now you just have to keep it to yourself. Vote for the guy that opposes homosexuality, Santorum I think his name is if you must.

While it may be true that most of the military members you know don’t support homosexuality (a statement I frankly doubt) the fact remains that 70% of today’s service members DO support the repeal of DADT. You’re echo chamber of religious fired hate aside; most of your fellow service members have joined most of the rest of the modern world in their opinion of the decision.

Corey, the exact same argument has been made every time rights were extended to a group that was previously disenfranchised. I think most of us agree that having slaves is a bad thing and that allowing people of all races and genders to vote is a good thing.

One final thing about your letter Corey:

“America is in a deep moral slide and this country will pay the due penalty of its errors.”

Corey, if this is true, what are you doing in uniform? Aren’t you in essence helping this decline? Corey you’re very vocal but you obviously don’t have the courage to do anything substantive, like most cowards.

Joe Arpaio and the birthers? Nah. Truthers? Meh. G8 protesters? Sign me up!

This was going to be about Maricopa County (my home county, I’m so proud) Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s recent ‘posse’ investigation into President Obama’s citizenship. Yeah people are still investigating the birth certificate thing. The only good thing I can say about Joe is that he ensures, for all of history, that I will not win the ‘most embarrassing thing to come out of Maricopa County’ award.

Thanks Joe.

The fact is that anyone, anywhere, still harbors a shadow of a doubt about the president’s citizenship, is a fucking idiot, really reaching the outer limits of any reasonable definition of sanity.

Here maybe a pop culture reference will explain it for you, doubtful but maybe.

But that fruit is just too low hanging if you know what I mean. Besides Joe’s up for reelection, so there’s that. The fact that he’d pull this stunt wasn’t at all shocking (pink prison underwear, immigration enforcement and tents for prisoners) nor was the fact that the voters of Maricopa county will eat it up like Mexicans eat tacos.

I grew up there; it will play well, sadly.

It’s just, meh. Boring maybe? We’re all collectively tired of the Birthers. He’s the president, fuck you county sheriff … aren’t there some brown people you can go bother? Oh wait.

So I thought about picking on my favorite left wing conspiracy group, the Truthers. Sadly that will just end in a retarded discussion where I’m called a “sheeple” and me just baffled that a seemingly otherwise intelligent person could buy into this idea. I even watched ‘Loose Change’, I DID! Don’t watch Loose Change, I warned you.

I admit it, I'm a sheeple.

Look 19 hijackers flew planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a plot of land in Pennsylvania. Osama Bin Laden yelled, “fuck you America I did that shit” (or words to that effect). We invaded the right country, fucked it up, invaded the wrong country, fucked it up and then kind of got it right. We then started working on the first country again (with mixed results). You’re prepositioned explosions and hologram airplanes (seriously funny article there) are retarded so god damned retarded that Charlie fucking Sheen espouses the view point.

It’s akin to people that claim to have been abducted by aliens and anally probed.

Anal probing aliens always kind of make me laugh. So the Aliens have the ability to travel across the galaxy? They weren’t spotted by any of our technology? They have the ability to ‘beam you up’ into their ship? And they’re interest is in your ass? Listen sir or ma’am your ass just isn’t that interesting I promise.

Conspiracy theories are fun, I love them honestly I do.

That leaves me with the G8 and the people that protest the G8, namely their declaration of victory because the G8 summit was moved to Camp David. The move part I don’t care about, other than I’m glad the G8 will have a quiet place, free of pissed off hippies, to meet.

I’m picking on the G8 because my boss considers me a liberal hippy (mostly because I’ve proclaimed loudly at work, “I’m a liberal hippy!” daily for two years.) And maybe I am, in a lot of respects.

Not here.

Dear G8 protesters, who cares?

The G8, for those that need a refresher, are the following countries: Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the U.K. and the U.S. Hint to G8 I think it’s time to add in China, but I understand if you don’t want to.

Boiled down, to the point is has no flavor left whatsoever, these eight nations meet yearly, usually in the summer, to discuss economics, policy, security and other things that make the guy designing the power point presentations want to cry.

We're going to keep burning cars until the violence stops!

Okay what fun that little joke was but you can Google G8 protest reasons all day long … it comes down to those and a few other topics.

Here’s the thing G8 protesters; you’re getting your head caved in by riot police doesn’t ensure that poverty get’s discussed at the meeting. Do you know why?

It was already being discussed.

Do you really think that on the last day of the summit, when everyone has their bags packed and are just waiting for the closing remarks to finish before hailing cabs to the airport some dude walks up to the podium and reads the following announcement.

“Hey we’ve had a great conference and Italy you were wild at the closing party last night, did you get your underwear back? No? I think France took them … France, give Italy her underwear back. Look as many of you are aware there are a lot of protesters outside, don’t worry Russia. But they specifically asked that we discuss poverty. I know, I know, I was like, what? Crap we forgot poverty? We had that day-long discussion of who had the cutest language … shut up Japan you didn’t win fair and square … you won hottest porn award. So look I propose that for the next few hours, we discuss poverty, no Russia not how to make people poorer, how to make them richer, you know how to get rid of poverty. It would mean a lot to the kids outside, what do you say?”

Let me hit this cop with a thin piece of wood, get ready to yell POLICE BRUTALITY!


I’m sure on some level, we both (the G8 protesters and I) agree that these countries need to meet up and make connections, talk about important issues and develop personal relationships, be they between leaders, staffers or the security guys that wish they were outside bashing hippy heads in.

I just don’t see what your protest brings to the table. Every one of the participating nations is a democracy (haha Russia you are! Neiner, neiner!). They have elected officials and I assume (wild ass guess here) that each of protesters votes so … What the fuck are you doing? Other than giving the left wing of politics a (deserved in this case) dirty-hippy image, what the fuck are you doing? Occupy wall street had their shit more together than you do and I still don’t know what their main objectives were other than, ‘Wall Street sucks’.

Go there if you must. I’ll never say you shouldn’t be allowed to protest, protest all you like. You might as well protest that the military industrial complex needs to be reminded that it needs tax payer dollars to develop new way to kill ‘dudes that need killing’ though. Here’s a hint if the cops, who by the way LOVE getting all Conan the Barbarian on your hippy asses, ask you not to crowd a barrier or not to go to a place outside the designated area … don’t fucking do that shit.

Besides the fact that everything you think should be discussed is already being discussed do you really think your shenanigans are altering the discourse?

Of course you don’t, you just want to be on TV.

Rush Limbaugh, the Catholic Church and Obama, laughing his ass off.

Why Rush apologized and why it wasn’t an apology

After calling her a slut, a whore and demanding that she, and other sexually active women, upload videos of them having sex to the internet so we all can watch, Rush Limbaugh apologized to Sandra Fluke yesterday. Only he didn’t apologize and it’s our fault for not getting the joke. If the rest of America just had the ultra right’s sense of humor we’d all be … well we’d all be repealing the civil rights act, reversing Roe vs. Wade and women would get back into the goddamn kitchen where they belong (or uploading homemade porn, so maybe a win here).

Damnit you trying being funny while flying on this shit!

Damnit you trying being funny while flying on this shit!

I need some help. I can’t find the humor in these statements; “Well, what would you call someone who wants us to pay for her to have sex? What would you call that woman? You’d call ’em a slut, a prostitute or whatever” and “If we’re going to have to pay for this, then we want something in return, Ms. Fluke,” Limbaugh said. “And that would be the videos of all this sex posted online so we can see what we’re getting for our money.” Can you find the humor in those statements? Look I like David Letterman. I think Tosh.O is hysterical. I even like Black Adder, Arrested Development and that guy that works on the first floor of my office building, he cracks me up. If you can tell me where the joke is in those statements leave a comment, I’d love to have some insight.

But what the hell is the point of calling a woman, who during her testimony, never once used the word sex, a whore? It’s akin to me calling someone an alcoholic because they happen to be discussing grain. The closest she came to using the word sex is “women’s reproductive and sexual health care.”

That dirty, dirty whore.

When people criticize Rush Limbaugh by pointing out his girth, size and intellect as Senator Al Franken did in his 1999 book Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot (a great read if ONLY to show that in the last 13 years dear Rush hasn’t changed a bit) they do it with things called facts. These facts are proven to be facts by citing things that experts on a given subject have said. If you can do it using humor as Senator Franken did, great. It’s also clearly a joke.

One last note, just an observation really. While the President, who I’d argue is a bit busier than Rush, took the time out to call Ms. Fluke to express his support. Rush couldn’t (yet) even be bothered to say he was sorry on his talk show, let alone on the phone. That’s right he published the apology online. So come on Rush, it was just a misunderstanding as you put it and a bad joke? Let’s hear you get all hyped up and sweaty about it, the way you do when you’re talking to the party faithful, preferably during the third hour of your show, cause that’s generally when you’re all worked up and raving like a loon anyway.

Sure do hope those advertisers come back by the way.

Why the Catholic Church and the first amendment isn’t the same as Obama apologizing to Afghans*

I’m excited and baffled that this discussion is even happening at all. I am thrilled as a democrat though that it’s taking place among the GOP. Well I guess it’d be a kind of boring discussion among the democrats, something akin to “Hey this birth control thing, great or just good?”

But the government forcing religious organizations to do something is exactly what the first amendment is there to prevent! You hear this all the time on Facebook, message boards, right wing websites and well, everywhere.

I guess I could write – “who fucking cares”, “no it isn’t” or “This is fucking retarded” here and be done with it but that wouldn’t quite be the point.

This is why I love Obama, he pisses off both the Afghans and the Catholics. I also think Mike Lavigne is facebook's greatest troll ... and I love him for it.

This is why I love Obama, he pisses off both the Afghans and the Catholics. I also think Mike Lavigne is facebook's greatest troll ... and I love him for it.

I’m sure, certain in fact, that Catholic institutions be they schools, hospitals or (for all I know) pool cleaning services do a lot of good for the people that they reach out to. That’s nice Catholic Church, thanks. Now about those altar boys … I kid, I kid. Point is I’m sure they help people that they intend to help, provided you’re not an altar boy.

But while the Catholic Church runs those institutions do you know who pays for them? If you guessed “tax dollars” you’re right! Well 62% right anyway. So while we’re having this fun and fancy discussion about 1st Amendment rights Cardinal George has said, “What altar boys? We don’t have any altar boys and besides we’re going to close down our Schools and Health Care institutions if you make us provide contraceptives.” Okay he didn’t say it like that exactly but he did say they’d close up shop, in two years.

This is the part where I say, “This is fucking retarded.” After providing them more than half their budget the Catholic Church gives the giver (that would be us, you and me) the finger and cries that the 1st amendment has been run afoul. The absolute minute that the Catholic Church starts funding these projects with 100% of their own funds, without a dime of tax payer money, I’ll reverse my opinion.

I’ll still think the Catholic Church is a misogynistic organization that has a lot of crimes it needs to answer for, that desperately needs to modernize and face reality but I’ll drop my objection to their issue with contraceptives.

Finally to those of you that are so sure the mean democrats are trampling the first amendment there’s the little issue of the 26 other states that, all by themselves, already guarantee contraceptive coverage by insurance organizations, nine of which specifically address religious exemptions with clauses such as, “Go fuck yourselves, if we’re giving you money you’re gonna do it” and “Jesus the Catholic Leadership is fucking retarded” . I’m not a lawyer but I hope that’s what the clauses say.

* I just realized I didn’t talk once about the Afghan situation and Obama’s apology for the Koran burning there. Look one side of this is full of backward, misogynistic, religions freaks and the Afghans suck too.

Why this discussion is good for Obama and bad for the GOP

Anyone not remember how this whole discussion started? I do because I wrote about it here and I admit that when I first heard about it I thought, Wow the administration is doing what? That can’t be good idea.

Then I thought about it a bit, googled and remembered everyone in the administration is likely a thousand times smarter than I am. And maybe, just maybe they were hoping this discussion would make it into the mainstream media and maybe it’s the kind of discussion that will show the American people, specifically the American female voter, how backwards the GOP’s extreme right really is.

Guess what happened?

This thing is SO entrenched as a GOP problem right now that I hope someone in the White House is having an ice cold beer and a good laugh right now.

Here’s the brilliance of it. Women tend to, by sizable majorities, vote democrat. They haven’t, percentage wise, voted for a republican since 1988 and who can blame them. Even I thought Dukakis was kind of a dork. Now what’s more likely to piss off woman voters in 2012, pushing through a bill that guaranteed their reproductive rights be covered by insurance companies or a bunch of older men debating the very legality of contraceptives in the first place. If you raised your hand and said, “Um the second one,” you’d be right!

Look we got a black guy in here with us, doesn't that count for something?

Look we got a black guy in here with us, doesn't that count for something?

Both Santorum and Romney, while SCARED AS SHIT OF PISSING OFF big daddy Rush, were quick to distance themselves from the language Rush used but not so much his position. Neither candidate seems to disagree with Rush’s opinion of the situation, just his words.

Having a position that basically says “sex is bad” and that a normal healthy adult woman shouldn’t have sex without a husband and without the express purpose of having a baby because doing so will likely damn you to hell is not a good 2012 position. What do you all think that aspirin comment was about anyway? These kinds of positions aren’t going to win over the MAJORITY of Americans to your side of the fence. That’s right 50.8 percent of Americans are women. While I’m certain not every one of them believes that women and women alone should be able to make their own reproductive choices I’d wager a large amount of money that most of them do.

More facebook updates that piss me off

If that dog so much as blinks, I’m snagging that umbrella

Okay bullcrap.  If he valued his damned umbrella so much he’d HAVE IT OVER HIMSELF.

Dear homeless man, here’s some help climbing aboard the clue train.  First stop, why animals have fur and why humans invented umbrellas.   See in the wild, dogs (wolves) get wet everyday! They have this hair ALL over them that protects them and makes it OKAY.   We, long ago, discovered that getting wet sucks because we don’t have hair all over us (well most of us don’t) and some goddamn genius invented the umbrella to protect us from the rain so that we don’t get sick and/or have bad hair.  Besides I bet you could get like $10 for that umbrella on a day like that and $10 would buy beer.  Then you, and the dog, will still be wet but you won’t care (and the dog never cared) because you’ll have beer.

You gave a shit enough to make this fucking sign though …

Again pure, distilled and fermented bull.   You know who else didn’t give a shit, the guy in the photo up above and look at his situation.   He’ll likely be trading sexual favors for drugs later on tonight but he doesn’t give a shit.   Life is a thousand times harder when you don’t give a shit and a thousand times easier when you DO give a shit.  You know who gives a shit?  Bill fucking Gates gives a shit and that man that asked you for spare change last Friday so he could get drunk buy food doesn’t give a shit (except about getting drunk).  Which of those two people has a better life …  I know, I know the drunk guy.  Fuck you.

You see everquest was SO much better because …

Don’t you think your little Facebook game has gone off the deep end when the bounty of someone is LARGER than the GDP of THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD?!?!?!   What the hell did Hobo Ella even do that every nation in the world is ready to collapse their own economy just so you would FINALLY kill her.  Besides if she’s worth that much isn’t about damned time she changed her name from Hobo Ella to SUPERFUCKINGRICHANDAWESOME Ella?  I’m thinking if we’re nice to her she might get that moon base that Newt Gingrich has been talking about off the ground.  And what the hell are YOU going to do with all that money besides crash the world’s economy I mean.  Don’t get me started on you Farmville people.  Don’t you all know that Facebook is for seeing if your ex got fat and for spying on your kids … Jesus.

purple, the color of elves and shit, also purple. Bonus point, nice boobs.

If you ever posted this to your Facebook feed and are A: older than 17 or B: heterosexual and male contact me immediately.  I wish to study you.

Snarking on Jesus is funny … he told me so.

I don’t even know where to start with this one.   Mostly they have a tag that says, “will you let him in?”  Hell yes I would, he can even have the last beer if he wants it but SO WHAT.  He’s GOD.   Dude walked on water, turned water into wine and did a bunch of other crap why does he need me to let him in.   Can’t he just ‘jesus’ his way into the house?   I’m trying to watch Simpson’s reruns.  Posts like this are the reason there are fights on numerous message boards across the net.  This is the very reason that every internet fight devolves into someone being compared to Hitler.   If you post this in your feed you’re the reason that someone had to start a POE wiki … Also he is God can’t he modernize his clothes?

Men scan this, looking for boob references …

I promise you no man read the entire thing up above.   I didn’t even read it and I cared enough to copy it out of Facebook, uploaded it here and am about to write a (grammatically incorrect and largely incoherent) paragraph about it.   Ladies, because let’s be honest only ladies post this crap, men never read this shit.  That long ass card you got us for our anniversary or birthday or national boob appreciation day, we didn’t read that one either.     We don’t.   We stare at it constantly asking ourselves if we can stop pretending we’re reading it yet.  Generally we take some sentence in the middle and read it just in case you ask a question.   Her, “Didn’t you just love the part about beaches?” she’ll ask.   We’re just going to spout off the random crap we DID actually read back to you so you THINK we read it.   “Sure did honey but I really found the part about love being a never ending circle like our rings very special.”   It’s total shit I know but we’re all just hoping for blow jobs with minimal effort.  Amiright?