Because I can’t think of a damned thing that is funny to write about I’m going to write about not having anything to write about.
These are my conversations with myself when I’m thinking about what to write here when I have no clear ideas.
Internal dialog starts now …
Damn it when you started this you said you were going to post something every other day yet you haven’t posted anything in like 18 years.
Chill out, the blogs only a few months old, you’re still finding your ‘focus.’
What the fuck is a focus? I mean really it’s a retarded blog that mentions drinking beer in the very title. It’s in the domain name for Christ’s sake, just post any goddamn retarded thing. The name is www.hadafewbeers.com it’s right there in the address. Just post “I like boobs.” Post it over and over again ala Jack in the Shining but you know, with more boobs.
Okay I’d laugh at that but I’m not sure many other people would.
Okay, okay then what about that time the dishwasher broke and some of your Facebook friends chastised you for using a dishwasher when only two people live in the house? That could be funny.
Okay that’s kind of a funny but it’s a quick joke. It’s like, “What are you nondishwasher people, Amish?” That sort of thing is all the joke is. There are a few jokes in there about giving the car up for a horse and buggy and … gah it’s not a very long post if I do that.
See that’s the point. Every blog you like has a lot of short posts. They’re all quick, witty, fun and short reads. Do more updates like that. “Sweet Mother” and “Oh God my wife is German” are two blogs you read a lot and they never post three page diatribes of profanity, boob references and ill-informed opinion on the catholic church (although either might do a boob reference piece tomorrow and how cool would that be?)
Make this shit shorter, shorter is better.
Blah, write it the way you want to. If it takes up three pages in a MS word document for you to ramble on about hookers, boobs and beer, that’s not a bad thing.
Okay then but about WHAT?
How about something silly Dagmar does. You can play the fool and she can be the wise woman but it’ll be funny. Those work great for Facebook because they’re short and simple though. Dagmar says something, I say something, Dagmar calls you XYZ and a comment war starts out among your friends.
I might as well write a blog update that boils down to wives smart, husbands dumb.
Okay so then what?
What about politics. You love politics. Half of your iPhone’s podcasts are politics. You read like 80 million political news sources a day … do one on politics. Really. You once had an entire conversation with yourself about whether or not you could actually force yourself to masturbate only to images of Andrea Markel*. I think you concluded that ‘yes you could’. See that’s kind of funny …
I did one on politics, two I think … both, together, were read by like eight people half of whom where spammers. How many more Viagra comments do you want or need? None.
Okay so what was popular? Which updates had a good number of ‘hits’. That’s easy, ‘Merican F’ yeah, Things you didn’t know about the military until you get out of the military and anything dealing with German/European Saunas.
Go with those no?
Yes but. I have ideas for more of each of those (okay not another ‘Merica F’ yeah cause well I don’t live in America anymore so it’s kind of tough at the moment) but refine them. Remember how much ‘Merica F’ yeah part two sort of sucked. Yeah refine the ideas dumbass. Turn down the flame on the idea and let it cook. Besides the military one you’re close to finishing …
So you have nothing, is that what you’re saying?
Does that mean this one is the next update?
I just typed it didn’t I?
* I feel this needs explanation. Once upon a time Dagmar told me that Henry Kissingerwas sexy. A proclamation that I
reacted too by asking, “WHAT THE FUCK?” She explained thusly, he’s very smart, very powerful and to hell with what he looks like. That I understood. It led to many, too many, what if scenarios in my head though. Hillary Clinton is kind of hot. There I said it. If by some odd chance Condoleezza Rice is reading this call me, please. I’ll cash in one of Dagmar and my ‘get out of jail cards!’ Really I will.