Every time the Petraeus scandal is updated in the news, this happens in my head


A few people, and not ALL of them are in my head either, asked why I was so quiet about the Petraeus scandal.

Someone even thought it was (drum roll … ) on purpose.

English: Official photo of David Petraeus, Dir...

Powerful, older man, has sex with hotter younger woman that finds powerful older men attractive?  No … this doesn’t happen.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s not.   I mean I’ve been sending most of you topless photos of myself for months now and I haven’t been called by the Huffington post at all.  What gives?   Also some of your comments about my photos were really, really mean.    I think comparing my abs to a plucked chicken breast was a bit out of line.

But still why aren’t I talking about it?   Because every time I start to think about it the following conversation occurs in my head.

This is the stupidest story ever.   Why do you insist on thinking about it …

Look, we’ve got a super-powerful man that has slowly, methodically worked his way up to a position of national importance that’s married to a frumpy-looking, yet dedicated and by all accounts loving, wife.

Check. 

So then the powerful man meets a pretty lady that thinks he is, ‘super cool’ and wants to tell the world how, ‘super cool’ he is via a biography she eventually pens.   They both also rub their genitals together for ‘the sex’.

Sure, unfortunate but otherwise fairly normal.   Isn’t this actually the plot line to like hundreds of romance/suspense movies?

There’s also a third woman.  Which …

Okay now we’re getting the crazy levels up, we’re adding some spicy spice to the damned sauce.   Go on please.

The third woman, who coincidentally thinks, though reality says otherwise, that

This is honestly the only funny thing about this whole train wreck. Fake or not, and I suspect fake, it’s hysterical. Thanks for sending it to me Alex.

she’s somehow, and this part is sort of unclear, entitled to diplomatic protection services even though she’s A: not a diplomat, or employed by the department of anyone and B: is bat-fuck nuts.  It will become clear why she feels she’s entitled to this in a moment.

That’s fucking weird, how the hell is she the third woman, did he do her too?  Was it like an awesome threesome?

No he didn’t do her too.   Just wait a moment, I’ll tell you.   Seems the biographer chick he was doing somehow got pissed off at the ‘not a diplomat but thinks she is chick because – it’s fucking Florida’ and then biographer chick sent her ‘threatening emails.”

Like “I’ll drive-across the county in a diaper” threatening emails that the astronaut chick sent?  Cause I loved that story.

Almost but not quite, this one is almost as good though.

Back to the threesome, was it a hot threesome?

There was no threesome, you made that part up.

Well then how did the biographer chick find out about the other chick?

Through emails, somehow.   I think she had access to his email.

Friendster ... come for the friends, stay for the hot biographical chicks?

Friendster … come for the friends, stay for the hot biographical chicks?

So basically the two hot chicks are fighting over the powerful guy.  Wasn’t this on desperate housewives?  Are you sure you’re not confusing this with one of those shows?

No, now shut up.   This story is fucking awesome but I need you to shut up so I can tell it.

Fine, go on.

So fucked up diplomat/not a diplomat chick, here after referred to as Dip, gets threatening letters from crazy-hot biographer chick.   Being concerned with the nature of the emails Dip turns to a friend in the FBI and asks for help.  Help means, according to the FBI agent in question, ‘send me shirtless photos’.

So wait, what?  The FBI agent, after talking to Dip and seeing the threatening emails decides to send her shirtless photos as a way of helping?   That sounds more like a secret service kind of thing.

Well, did I mention Dip is pretty hot?

Proceed sir. 

Well she is and here’s the better part of it.    From all accounts she was also married to a doctor and the two of them, once the media shoved a spotlight up their asses, are dead broke but, and get this, portray themselves as rich socialites but they’re fucking broke.   Even better they have a charity which basically blew the donations on parties and travel and shit.  She also had some bullshit title like, ‘social engineering liaison with the embassy of the …

What’s the charity for?

How the fuck should I know?  Who cares?

I do.  What’s the charity for?

Fuck, I don’t know.  It’s for kids that poop out their ears … it’s not important.

That’s not even a real thing.   You’re an asshole.

Do you want to hear the rest of this or not?

No, not really.

Well fuck you, you’re going to.

Fine …

So while Dip is a complete fuckstain of human life the FBI agent, in between sending topless photos of himself, turns the ‘case’ over to the FBI computer geeks and, I don’t know magic happens.   Bam the guy in question turns out to be the director of the CIA.

Great can we get back to talking about boobs and beer, this story sucks.

This story has boobs!  Have you not been paying attention?   I mean they’re implied boobs but still.

Implied boobs are the worst kind of boobs …

Shut up, we’re almost done.

So turns out during the course of the investigation a general, a Marine four-star general mind you, serving in Afghanistan and Dip have been exchanging what was first called ‘flirtatious emails’ and then were called the ‘email equivalent of phone sex’ messages.

Wait what?

Just what I said, the ‘email equivalent of phone sex.’  I read it on Foxnews.com!

How the fuck does that work?   “Oh baby you’ve got me so hot.  I hold you close to me, we kiss deeply” <send> <wait 6 hours>   <read reply> “I feel your cock throbbing in your pants with my hand” <send> <wait 2 hours>  …  that’s kind of fucking stupid.

But that’s like two powerful men getting ready to fall because of this bizarre sex scandal.   Isn’t’ that fucking crazy?

No you idiot it’s the oldest, stupidest, most retarded story ever told.   Powerful man falls because of hot chick, gee what a novel fucking concept.   This has NEVER happened before … OMG how crazy.  

Let me boil this whole thing down to five words.  

Man fucks crazy, crazy happens.

No dude this story has so much more too it! It has …

… No, no it doesn’t.   This story, in those five simple words, could be used a cautionary tale for generations.  Hell I think it IS a cautionary tale that has already been told for generations.  

Maybe you don’t understand the ramifications, the consequences, the world changing implications …

Stop.  It doesn’t matter if I do or not, it’s the same fucking story.   Powerful man with loving yet frumpy wife at home fucks crazy chick.  Crazy chick then goes crazy.   There did I sum it up?

You’re a dick.

No you are.  You thought somehow that you’d add some wise-cracking fun into what is a national security story about a powerful man fucking a crazy chick who then, and here’s the crazy part, goes crazy.   What the fuck could you possibly add?

Fucking you I’m going to bed.

I’m coming too.   Can we at least watch “girls gone wild?”

Only if it’s the girls gone wild diplomatic corps edition.

Deal.

3 responses to “Every time the Petraeus scandal is updated in the news, this happens in my head

  1. I had to pull myself several times off the floor after falling in convulsion laughter!!!!!!

  2. Todd, the “all up in my snatch” was real… It was from a Denver news station that played it accidently…. But someone got canned for that!

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