I’ve wanted to do this for a while, basically since day one, but saying that blogging sucks on the first day you blogged makes you a giant whiner. I am not a giant whiner, I’m a smallish whiner damn it.
So let’s get started with the whining, shall we?
This first one is directed at the people who run WordPress, hosts of this hadafewbeers.com thing. None of you are to blame for this issue (unlike the other issues, which we’ll get to, you bastards) but I felt like I had to share it.
When I write something, I make sure there are tons and tons of grammatical errors, misspelled words, run-on sentences, incoherent thoughts and finally lots of missing
Then I hit a button, literally a button that says, “publish.” Every time I hit this button I remember something I needed to do before I was ready to publish, (you know, like make a joke about boobs, include words in the update, remove that photo of my testicles that I found really, really funny last night but not so funny in the morning) so while the computer and the “internetz” are working together toward publishing the update I’m busy yelling out in my kitchen, “FUCK I FORGOT TONS OF SHIT I WAS GOING TO DO … FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!”
Dagmar loves that last part especially.
The retarded joke two paragraphs up aside, when I hit “publish” what I expect to happen is I’ll still be looking at the exact same screen I was looking at when I hit the button.
Not with WordPress, oh no. With WordPress, you get a retarded, “Congratulations, You’ve posted XXX number of updates” screen. Truth is I’ve only done about 75 of these “updates,” “blogs,” “posts,” “making an ass of myself,” whatever you call them, so maybe it’ll stop someday. I can’t imagine more senior people doing this getting a “Congratulations you’ve posted 42,136 posts,” screen but who knows.
I defer to sweet mother here, I defer and pray that someday it stops.
Next up, sex, and by next up I mean right f’ing now baby!
Fortunately these days I get more hits per day than the WordPress “stats/search terms” link indicates. Meaning, it shows me the most popular search terms that brought a reader here, but it’s less than the actual readers who, presumably, read here.
Which is a good thing because the search terms make even me blush. I, at one point, (when they were the only hits I got here basically) encouraged it, but not anymore. If you’ve read here for more than 9 months you know what they are. There is a new one though, a new one that makes no sense.
People are coming here because of beeg.com. Don’t fucking go there. Really. I mean it. And don’t come back and later say, “Well you can’t expect me to not go there when you said, ‘Don’t go there!’” Because, yes, yes I can expect you to not go there. First off, its silly. It appears to be the Huffpo of porn, meaning there’s no original content, just postings of porn from legit porn sites. My antivirus program caught on fire two seconds into my own visit. While I searched, and really it was a search – as in why are people coming to my retarded blog from here—I realized that if Dagmar walked in my legitimate research would not be easily explained.
Dagmar: Are you looking at porn?
Me: Well, technically yes, but it’s for the blog so its okay. In fact it’s kind of like work!
Which every husband knows, is exactly how that conversation would go.
This leads to my next issue … the fucking cat. Listen cat, can you stop leaving mouse heads on the door step? I mean look at that thing. It looks like a mafia warning. I realize this has nothing to do with blogging, boobs or with beer, but fuck, its gross kitty. Stop it.
Finally, I’d like to thank most of the world. You people rock. This retarded endeavor gets hits from all over the world and wow, that’s cool. I mean countries I would never expect to have a readership here …. have a readership here. I’m looking at you Canada with your 1,272 unique views – all of which were probably achieved by some chick named Whitney hitting control F5 over and over again – but still, you Canadian’s rock.
But Uruguay, Isle of Man and (this is a country?) Brunei Darussalam I need all
of you to pick it up a bit, OK. Each of you are in the single digits for visits. Step it!
I wouldn’t have thought I needed to remind ‘Isle of Man” about this sort of thing but, here we are.