Winter, in Germany at least, is here. Snow has blanketed (and since melted) much of the Baden-Wurttenberg area, kids are sledding down hills or making snowmen and there’s the smell of lit fireplaces in the air.
And that last part, the part about the smell of fireplaces just a’blazin, is the only good thing that I can say about this wretched time of year. Because fire = heat and I’m all about the heat.
I mean look at it, everything’s grey and you have to dress up like the Michelin man just to walk to the fucking mail box.
And some of you out there claim to actually like this time of year.
You’re sick individuals, you know that? Sick.
In fact it was just last week a coworker confessed to me that this was “his time of year.”
Yeah, well, your time of year sucks. Really it does. What other season requires I freeze my balls off shoveling frozen water flakes out of my driveway? You know what other time that is? It’s the season of never.
“But I have all these cute winter clothes I can wear,” chicks say a lot. Hey ladies, do you know what kind of outfit we gents find “cute?” It’s the kind where you have next to nothing or nothing on.
You wrapped up in 18 layers just means more work for us if, for some weird reason, we have any desire to get naked when the temperature outside drops lower than Snookies IQ.
Let’s just agree you’re a lot “cuter” in a bikini than snowshoes, and move on OK?
“Oh, but Christmas, Christmas is coming. Gosh I love Christmas,” you say?
“Fuck Christmas, it’s too damn cold out,” I say.
You know what would make Christmas rock? Moving it into June. Seriously, I’m all about getting together with friends and having a great meal and heck I’ll even bring a gift or two, but I’d be a lot more enthusiastic about it if I could do it while wearing shorts and flip-flops.
I know, I know, it’s just a winter festival. That’s basically all Christmas is, a winter festival. Ancient cultures thought, “Holy crap it’s really cold, really dark and the foods about to run out … let’s throw a party!” And that does make sense. The days, which have been getting shorter and shorter are about to get longer again (thankfully) and I for one do at least appreciate that fact.
Did you know that incidents of suicide and spouse/child abuse quadruple in the months of December, January and February?
No, you didn’t?
Well, you’re an idiot then and I’m cranky because it’s fucking snowing. Also I made that quadrupled fact up. For all I know it’s the opposite, but if it’s not true, it should be.
Hang on a moment, I have to go smack my wife because … cold.
And let’s talk about you skiers and you snowboarders.
All of you should be shot at dawn.
At what fucking point in your lives did strapping shit to your feet and racing down a mountain at bone-breaking speeds in the freezing cold sound like fun?
You fuckers are the worst.
Seriously what are you people thinking? You know what activity is actually fun with things strapped to your feet? Water-skiing, that’s what. At least with water-skiing there’s a slight chance bikini tops will come off when chicks wipe out. What’s the chance of that on snow? Zero point zero percent.
“But, but, but you can drink on the way down the slopes in Europe,” I can hear
some of you saying. Like you’ll convince me skiing is cool with that crap. Oh can you? Who cares? It’s cold, you’re likely wet and you’re not even back down the goddamn mountain yet. This is NO time for drinking and trust me I feel that most times are the time for drinking.
Unlike the other ‘facts’ I’ve presented, I can also offer proof that winter sucks.
Men, do you like your penis to be big or small?
Let’s do a poll.
I predict big wins. Also, like all other polls here, you can vote as many times as you like. Consider it a feature of how strongly you feel about the topic.
Fact: Cold causes shrinkage.
Cracked.com agrees with me by the way and there is no better bastion of scientific fact than cracked.com. Sunlight increases testosterone, according to 1939 science, and if we can’t trust (we can’t) 1939 science then …
Look I just want it to be sunny again.
Anyway, screw you winter. You suck. Jan and Feb are going to suck no doubt but we’re half-way through. You bastard.