Someone finally took pity on me and agreed to edit this thing: introducing Fran

Happy New Year!

Has the hangover subsided yet?

At this time last year I resolved to grow a beard because basically, as resolutions go, that was the easiest of my wife’s requests.

“All I have to do is not shave for a while? Crap this resolution is as good as done.”

The beard lasted like a month because I don’t like beards. That shit itches.

So, if anyone ever asks you, “Does that guy who writes the Had A few Beers blog like to grow a beard?” You can authoritatively answer, “No. He does not care for the feel of a beard.”

If you win any money in a bet situation with a question like that I’d like a cut, whatever you feel is right. I’m not greedy.

Anyway, HAFB is almost, but not quite, a year old. I do plan to do a first-year review but that’s a few weeks away.

So what I want to do today is introduce someone to you – my editor.

Yeah, I have an editor as of three or four posts back. I desperately needed one and am deeply, deeply thankful for her offer even though I have to pay her like $1 million Internet dollars an update.

 I’ve known Fran for like, crap, 24 years. We were both Basic Journalism students at Ft. Benjamin Harrison, Ind. The key difference between us is — she paid attention to stuff like speeling, gramer, and sentense structure, while I spent most of my time thinking about boobs.

I asked Fran what image she'd like associated with her and she said, just use that crazy bus driver lady from South Park.   Which fit perfectly in my mind.

I asked Fran what image she’d like associated with her and she said, just use that crazy bus driver lady from South Park. Which fit perfectly in my mind.

Fran started Facebook stalking me (and by Facebook stalking I mean undressing me with her comments WHORE!) about the same time I started drunkenly doing Facebook updates.  She’d swoop in and point out that “congradulations” was spelled “congratulations” and I’d read her comment, stew in a pot of “fuck her for being so right,” for five minutes and then move on.

Point is, she was correct, every time.

The bitch.

Then she graciously offered to edit and I desperately needed someone to edit.  BNecause without edit thing lke sentense this way happen way.

See, I need an editor.

Fran, no shit, writes for a living. Which I, no shit, admire. She’s snarky on a level I cannot always comprehend. She once told me I made her “see red rats” and I don’t even know what that means. She’s promised to occasionally do a HAFBs posts herself and I cannot wait. She makes me laugh on a level I cannot explain.  She also has a macaw*, because, and I quote, “I just want a bird that’s a friend.”

Don’t all of us, really?

We’re still working out the kinks, and I don’t mean kinks as in feather boas and gerbils, but rather how the hell do we do this? Do I email her a word document, load up the post in WordPress as a draft, send it to her via fax, what?

We will get there I’m sure, though.

Finally, I told Fran that I had a funny story to share about her when we were in training together. I was tanked during this discussion which helps explain why it wasn’t that funny at all, but here it goes.

We were in a student-break area when she recounted a time she was camping


Holy crap it has spots and its cute — aim for the head boys (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

with friends. She and a male friend were sitting in the camp, I’m unsure where the other friends were at the time, when a deer retardedly (this really had to be a retarded deer after all) walked into the camp and her male friend reflexively grabbed his rifle and shot it. She told me (or the group, I think it was the group) that she swooned when he did this and I experienced my first “bro-crush.” In my head I remember thinking, “Well, I’m not gay, but that dude’s awesome.”

That’s all I remember.  See not that funny at all.

There are a lot of people that I want to talk about (in a good way) on this blog, but Fran gets first crack because she rocks and she has a macaw.

 * Come to find out she does NOT have a macaw – even though she said she was getting one … filthy, filthy liar!

6 responses to “Someone finally took pity on me and agreed to edit this thing: introducing Fran

  1. Ok.

    That is a very, very abridged version of the deer shooting incident. They were jar heads, and while I was fully impressed by the quick reaction, I was COMPLETELY unimpressed by his crying like a pussy when we got to the downed deer and saw that it was a bad shot that left the animal suffering. My solution would have been to just shoot it again in the head, but I’m a dumb girl and they decided to let it bleed out (exsanguinate! I love that word!) while the crybaby cried.

    Later, the other fucker tried to make jerky in a tent he built, but it was a terrible design. I kept saying it was going to ignite the whole tent.

    It did and I was never more pleased.

    But the whole POINT of that story issssssssssss – as soon as I got back (I mean THE MOMENT I HIT TOWN) from that god-awful trip, I enlisted in the Army.

  2. Also, in my defense, it’s near impossible to edit this shit.
    And the macaw procurement has been delayed, so I may be filthy, but I’m not completely a liar.

  3. Carmen Daugherty

    Fran… I pitty you. I’ve been there for some of Todd’s raw blogs and all I gotta say is…. Damn! Did I say that loud enough…Here, let me say it again… DAMN! I do have to admit… his shit is funny (for clarification let’s stick with the blogs)! I’m busting his chops but I really do laugh at his posts and can’t wait till the next one. Fran… thank you in advance for your pain and attention in class. We all appreciate your sacrifice! Kind of like the deer… we call that a mercy kill! Oh… and for the record the dude was a pussy for not putting the deer out of his/her misery. Shooting it a 2nd time would have been better than watching it bleed to death! What a PUSSY 🙂
    Thanks again!

  4. Wait, where is a picture of the beard????

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