Had a Few Beers is getting a smart phone app, as soon as apps have lasers.


Facebook private message:  Jan 25, 2013

Todd Oliver to HAFB’s app development manager Kevin:

(18:30) Todd:  OK, dude, you offered a while back to design a Had A Few Beers smart phone application and I think I might have an idea finally about what the app needs to look like and do.

I do have a few questions first though.

Sadly, we can't have lasers.   Because Kevin sucks.

Sadly, we can’t have lasers. Because Kevin sucks.

Can a smart phone application be used to cause someone physical pain? I mean, not kill them or send them to the hospital, but, you know, give ‘em a really bad shock, first-degree burn or maybe a temporary-blindness kind of pain?

(18:37) Kevin: No. However, it’s important to note I experience most of the sensations you listed to varying degrees just reading your blog. So, I think we’ll still be achieving the goal.

(18:38) Todd Oliver: That’s been the goal all along, but I fear people aren’t experiencing it enough while doing things like driving, showering and not reading the blog.

Also, what about lasers? Can we have any sort of lasers? Both the shooting-down tie-fighters and the freaky-stoner light show kind of lasers?

(18:45) Kevin: Lasers, yes… That’s a brilliant idea. Oh wait, no it’s not. How familiar are you with apps in general? Maybe we should start there.

(18:46) Todd: I’m asking the fucking questions here!  Fine, lasers are out then.

What about sending people photos of my balls at inappropriate times?  You know weddings, funerals, baby announcements, Wednesdays … it that more ‘app’licable?

(19:10) Kevin Downey:  No. No, it is not. Anymore app puns and we’re through.

(19:11) Todd: Fine no more app puns … I’m not sure you’re worth the money I’m paying you though.

(19:15) Kevin:  You’re not paying me anything, I volunteered.

(19:16)  Todd: Whatever.  Back to my balls. Say a sweet girl from high school updates her status to announce she’s getting married and bam a photo of my balls shows up on her update. Maybe it could have some funny catch phrase, “You’ve been balled!” Or something …

(19:45) Kevin: Right, I see where you’re going with this…. No.

(19:46) Todd: And we’re going to also have to figure in boobs somehow … I’m not sure how yet but, yeah, boobs.

What about super-annoying sounds?

(20:01) Kevin: I see my developer career crashing fyi… Also, no to your last suggestions.

(20:02) Todd: Well, OK mister “no” man. What CAN a Had a Few Beers blog app do then?  How about

(20:34) Kevin: WTF? This is what happens when you mix friends and business… Now I’m the bad guy that has to explain why all of your ideas are dumb and probably illegal?

edit: *dumb, impossible and probably illegal.

(20:35) Todd: Don’t worry about errors that’s why we have Fran involved, to edit stuff. Sometimes I leave in crap like, dog rape Hezbollah eat face and feven just to piss her off. (I wasn’t comfortable editing this, so I did the bare minimum with punctuation. I can’t really edit a conversation that actually happened, shithead! ~Fran)

(20:40) Kevin: This is all stupid, and again, probably illegal nonetheless.

(20:41) Todd: You’re just not an “idea man,” like I am.

We’d make the app usable only to those that are 18 and older obviously. We can verify that by adding a “button” that they have to click that says their over 18. No one lies about that shit.

OK, look, how about an app that “helps people” Mother Theresa? Something to

An app without boobs is no app ... Shakespeare said that.

An app without boobs is no app … Shakespeare said that.

do with beer maybe, or with boobs, definitely boobs if possible.

(20:47) Kevin: Easy champ. How about a beer finder and we forget about the death ray, auto redirects and self-portraits nobody wants

(20:48) Todd: So, no boobs? The app would be sans boobs, but would help people find beer? This is acceptable. What if when he arrived AT the beer he received some sort of boobatory prize?

(20:49) Todd: Kevin?

(21:16) Todd: Kevin?

(21:32) Todd: Kevin?

(22:07) Todd: Fuck.

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