Art … I give you “ART” with capital letters and explain why I suck at TV


The first thing we need to discuss in this:

This is the most brilliant thing posted on Facebook in at least the last six months.

This is the most brilliant thing posted on Facebook in at least the last six months.

It was drawn by a friend from high school and posted to Facebook with the following message:

“I got paddled and suspended for drawing this work of art with a friend in the third grade. Can you believe I would do something like this? Me?”

The message was followed by an invitation to use the drawing for my blog.

As if I could resist. How a sad-puppy photo can generate hundreds of thousands of likes, and this – dare I say it – this “masterpiece,” only warrants eight likes and a few dozen comments, is beyond me.

Art is truly dead, I say. Look at the damn thing if you don’t believe me. Its got wieners everywhere! The only thing that prevents me from asking for a signed copy to hang is the man cave is it lacks boobs. Had it been boobiful, in addition to dickalicious, I‘m certain it would be in the Louvre right at this very moment.

The omission is understandable, however. We were in the third grade then. Girls had cooties and we had no clue boobies were a favorite pastime of older brothers and/or fathers.

LOOK at it again and recognize a THIRD GRADER created it. Its awesomeness overflows the boundaries of the page, I tell you.

Now, I want to talk about TV and how much I suck at it, because I suck at it very much.

I have a TV. I’m not some retarded hipster drinking a PBR and wearing hipster clothes, claiming I don’t have a TV. I don’t even have glasses, prescribed or not. I like news far, far, far too much to not have a TV.

It’s all the other TV that I suck at. Literally, every other bit of it. Name the show and I’ve never seen it, don’t care to see it, don’t know what it’s about and don’t know who’s in it. I suck.

I can stomach some Mythbusters on occasion, I like that Bear Grylls survival show because I like being prepared for situations I’ll never find myself in, and Tosh.O.

Other than that, I suck.

And I’m not talking about those retarded “Who Wants to be Americas Next flash-in-the-pan Celebrity Sensation” or the completely, obviously scripted, “reality” shows like Storage Wars (you realize that they literally put the expensive stuff in the storage locker before the show right?). Those shows are shit and all of us know it.

I mean the good stuff that I can’t fucking get into.

What the fuck happened to me? Was a dropped as a child? I must have been. Damn you Mom (or Dad, could’ve been Dad)!

The last “series” I actually watched was Rome. Rome ended in what, 2008? See I suck.

At this very moment my wife and some house guests are eating up some Breaking Bad. I was asked, begged even, to participate. Hooks were tossed into my pond with tasty worms on them. “It’s really your kind of show,” my wife said. “I know you would love this,” said the guests and I probably would have if I …

… If I gave a fuck. It’s not just Breaking Bad either, sadly. I know there is a lot of quality stuff out there that I should like, but I, and this gets very scientific, can’t be asses enough to care. I probably should care. Good stories are good stories. Good writing is good writing. I just can’t be bothered to watch anything. Because, again, I suck.

This character flaw makes me useless at water-cooler talk (even more so when you realize I don’t follow sports. I’m doubly retarded.)

Boss: Hey Todd did you catch the game last night?

Me: There was a game on last night?

Boss: Yeah there was. Hey did you watch (great cool show here)?

Me: Totally didn’t see that either.

Boss: Well, small talk is over.

Me: Damn it!

I used to worry my disinterest would leave me barren in the blogging department, but after this stellar contribution, I realize I can blog about nothing.

5 responses to “Art … I give you “ART” with capital letters and explain why I suck at TV

  1. Fuck half (most of) TV. You’re response shoulda been:

    T.O.: Did you read a book last night?

    Boss: Did I what with a who, now?

    T.O.: Yeah, thought so!

  2. I’m not much of a T.V. fan either but I do watch college sports. Speaking of ‘Rome’…I watched a few minutes here and there but I couldn’t get past the English accents they had for these ancient Italians. It just seemed odd.

  3. I’m actually good at t.v. but I despise Network television. I was all the HBO, Showtime, Netflix shows. Good writing and loyal fans. You can always chat about True Blood or Game of Thrones with anyone.

  4. *watch

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s