Guest Blog: Orange Banana Hammocks Are Not Sexy!

I don’t understand why Hooters restaurants, as a concept, work.

OK, I can’t even write that with a straight face – of course I do! And that is because men are visual and like to peek at a little T&A. They feel like they are getting away with something a little naughty in their relationship (if they have managed to find a girl to be in one).

Men have an insane ability to see past the shimmering “nude” nylon-encased legs with scrunchy socks. They manage to ignore the ’80s-style bright-white sneakers and the ’70s-style orange shorts. They can look past all of these things because ALL they are looking at are the servers’ tits.Nothing else matters. Food? What food?

I'd like to order a half dozen tits. Oh, wait, I mean, chicken wings.Photo credit:

I’d like to order a half dozen tits. Oh, wait, I mean, chicken wings.
Photo credit:

I love the excuse that men often use to justify the trip to Hooters.

“But, they have such great wings.”

Um …. nobody is buying it. NOBODY. Just like no one believes dudes read Playboy Magazine for the articles. Pfft … for the articles my ass.

It would be refreshing, for once, to hear a man just OWN it and truthfully announce, “Shit, the only reason I go to Hooters is because the chicks are serving me HUGE cans … and I don’t mean cans of beer!”

What would happen if we flipped it and there was a place called Schlongs? The servers would be comprised of ripped men with eight packs, zero body fat, and ginormous penises packaged in tight orange briefs or boxer briefs? But, why is it we don’t see Schlongs restaurants popping up in strip malls across America? Oh wait — because that is just gross. No woman wants to see a giant penis coming at her, followed by a tray of food.  Not many women are going to wolf down a plate of fries and chicken wings in front of a man who looks like he just jumped off the cover of a romance novel.

Exhibit A - Even Sean Connery can't pull this off!

Exhibit A – Even Sean Connery can’t pull this off!

“Hey, Schlongs guy, thanks for delivering my food.  I am now going to ingest a month’s worth of calories. I hope you are a chubby chaser, because that is where I am headed (if I am not already there).”

You know what women want more than a hot guy serving her food? Women want a nice guy cooking her dinner at home and cleaning up the dishes afterward. Or she wants him to vacuum the carpets (for you male readers … that is NOT a euphemism). How about a man painting her house or cleaning the toilets or ANYTHING other than being in a strip-mall chain restaurant wearing a tight, orange, banana hammock and serving her food?

Besides, we are NOT stupid. Any man with all the above-listed physical attributes working at a place called Schlongs is probably gay.  And this is the reason why Hooters works and Schlongs is just awkward and gross. One is grounded in fantasyland and the other is based in reality — fundamental difference between men and women.

One response to “Guest Blog: Orange Banana Hammocks Are Not Sexy!

  1. Pingback: One hundred bottles of blog on the wall! Our 100th beer, I mean blog update | hadafewbeers

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