A quick update: holding your junk in front of your spouse an exercise in awkward


My wife just caught me holding my penis.

It was not like a giant, engorged penis either, just a limp little wiener being walked to the toilet.

What happened was this:

Like this only without the stylish orange jesus suit ...

Like this only without the stylish orange jesus suit …

We were watching television and the show we were watching ended. My wife went upstairs to change out of her work clothes. After a moment or so it occurred to me that I had to pee. The bathroom is about 15 feet away, not a marathon at all. I didn’t have to pee badly, but it was enough to get my otherwise lazy ass off the couch.

Because she was upstairs and because I wasn’t at all thinking about much of anything, I stood up, unzipped my jeans and took out my penis in the living room. It wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t a “statement.” It wasn’t anything other than preparation to pee in what I estimated would be a few more seconds and about 10 footsteps.

Because I think our house was designed by a really stupid Hollywood set designers and was only very narrowly rejected by the Gone With The Wind directors, we have a spiral staircase that is visible from the home’s entranceway.

So, as I absentmindedly walked to the guest bathroom, penis in hand, wearing jeans and a T-shirt and oblivious to the world, the wife came down the Scarlett O’Hara staircase and gasped. It went like this.

Me singing in my head: “I’m going to pee, la da dee, I’m going to pee lucky me. Got me wiener in my hand this is the time to understand … that I have to pee.”

I had mindlessly walked from the living room, into the foyer with the dick out, just holding it. I thought nothing of this at all. I was just going to pee.

The Frau came down the racist staircase at exactly the same moment I was about to turn into the bathroom.

For the first time in many, many years of marriage I felt a bit awkward. So did she.

“Are you holding your dick?” she asked.

“Well, yes, obviously,” I replied, still holding my dick.knock1st

“WHY!” she yelled.

“I have to pee,” I answered, still holding my penis.

She looked disgusted and ran back up the staircase, likely reciting some sort of line from Gone With The Wind.

3 responses to “A quick update: holding your junk in front of your spouse an exercise in awkward

  1. I had the exact same reaction, sophist6! Didn’t I Todd?!

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