Tag Archives: Ariel Castro suicide

Ariel Castro won … we’re idiots for thinking otherwise

Let me just start off by taking a very bold stance.

Ariel Castro was a bad man.

Next week I’ll go out on a limb and say Adolf Hitler was kind of a dick and that I’m fairly certain Charles Manson didn’t like cute kittens because he was also a dick.

This, as you have guessed, is about Castro’s suicide in a Cleveland prison Tuesday night. It’s also about why I’m not happy about his suicide, why I’m tired of hearing “Christians” say “rot in hell” about how why his suicide wasn’t much a tax savings after all.

It’s about all these things because I really, really, really wanted that asshole to rot in jail for the rest of his life.

So I’m not happy he’s dead.

You see, I’m a filthy atheist.

So, according to my beliefs (and that’s all they are, no one really knows after all) dead means you cease to exist. No more thought, no afterlife, no internet porn, no beer, nothing.

You simply no longer exist. With that in mind I think Ariel gave us a final “fuck you” before ending the suffering he deserved. I’m shocked the Ohio state prison system didn’t keep a better watch on him but I understand not every prisoner can be monitored 24/7.

Still, his suicide was a final middle-finger salute to each and every one of us. Make no mistake, it was. There are also three young ladies out there that it might be more of an issue with as well.

There seem to be two crowds commenting around this asshole. The “Rot in hell crowd” and the “Tax-dollars saved crowd”.

Both are fucked and here’s why.

The Rot in hell.


… or don’t. Whatever

OK, you Christians have it a bit easier when it comes to this after-death stuff. For us atheists it’s pretty cut and dry. Not for you folks though. And that’s pretty cool. You way of thinking is if you’re good you get to party with Jesus and all the angles, and if you’re bad Satan forces you to watch reruns of Malcolm in the Middle or some shit (I’m not up on my modern interpretations of hell I admit).

So let me just propose a hypothetical to you. I think we can all agree that Castro died of asphyxiation right? There’s no way that jail cell had enough room for him to snap his neck. Asphyxiation takes a bit of time? Up to six minutes, it seems, three of which you are likely to remain conscious. So what if, as he slowly suffocated, his last coherent thought was, “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I accept you into my heart even though I am unable to reverse the sin of suicide I repent my actions throughout my life,” or whatever.

My point is — what if at the last moment he accepted Jesus into his heart truly and he regretted what he had done.

He’s in heaven then right? Admit it, if the above is true he’s there with the lord right now.

And you’re not, neener neener.

Again, I don’t believe in either heaven or hell but you’ve got to love a system where a last minute “Sorry I fucked up,” thought is a get out of jail free card.  Try that with your boss at work and let us know how it works!

Let’s say that didn’t happen or maybe it did and Jesus looked on Facebook and Twitter and saw all the rot in hell comments and thought, “Nope, fuck this asshole. Off to hell you go.”

Well isn’t the bible littered with shit about judging? Isn’t that shit kind of shitty, according to the big man? He’s all like, “Look humans I’ll do the fucking judging ’cause I made all of you so you all just chill, OK.”

Christ, even delivering the wrong pizza can send you to hell.

… see, it’s in a cartoon!

No really, that’s what it’s all about … don’t fucking judge people. When a person’s immortal soul is on the line and you weigh in with “burn in hell” well you’re fucking judging. You are. Saying someone deserves to rot in hell is judging.

Look I don’t believe in an invisible-omnipresent person in the sky, but if I did I’d fucking leave the judging to him for fuck’s sake. He, she, it knows everything! I can’t fucking figure out how they seal up a can of beer. Maybe you’ve got it all figured out, but me, I realize I’m not even half as smart as something called “God” and leave that eternal damnation shit to it.

Tax dollars saved.

Lots of folks are saying, “I’m glad he killed himself. He’s saving us tax money.”

That make a bit of sense, or cents, as it is.

Let me ask you this. We’re all friends here, right? If we were both in line for coffee and I asked you for a nickel you’d give me one right? Hell, I’d flip you one if the situation were reversed. It’s a nickel really, and at the end of the day, what’s a nickel?


I think my tax dollars should be used for this type of prison! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ohio’s budget in 2011 was about 26 billion. That’s a lot of money. The cost to house a lifetime inmate in 2012 in Ohio was … wait for it … About $20,000 per year. That’s way less than the average family giving me a nickel once a year.

Yeah I know! Look it up, it’s true. It’s the state budget equivalent of your family budgeting my needing a nickel for coffee every year, once a year, for the next 40 years. That’s basically like you and I paying $2 dollars over that amount of time to make sure the fucker suffers, and let me tell you, I’m in on this one. That’s a good use of my tax dollars. Hell, I’d proudly pay that just to make sure that fucker rots. In a cell. Forever.

But it’s too late. He’s gone.