Tag Archives: Arizona

Summer is here and you winter people can suck my sunshine …


Summer is here and I want to thank some people. Mainly, the ladies. You girls are 98 percent of the reason summer rocks in the first place.

Take the most beautiful woman in the word and dress her up for a ski trip. She’s got nothing on the allure of a woman in a summer dress.

Cover of "Summer Lovers (Full Screen Edit...

Mmm summer. (Full Screen Edition)

Sorry, it’s like a scientifically proven fact or something — a woman dressed for warm weather is always sexier than a woman dressed for cold weather.

Basically, without ladies summer is just sweaty man balls and body odor. To deny this simple fact is to say that water is not wet, birds don’t fly and this blog is funny.

If you don’t believe me please choke on a giant box of cold weather.

Another reason summer rocks is Germany!  Have you been to a park in Germany when it’s nice out? If not, you’re missing out. Germans are cooped up in a frozen box of international rain, hail, snow and sleet for like 90 percent of the year.

When the sun does finally come out, baby, the clothes come off.

Germans will strip down to skin the moment the mercury says its hot — and you really, really have to appreciate that.

Say what you want to about the unattractive men, hot chicks lay out naked in the park! What is not to like?

There aren’t even any downsides of summer.

“Oh it’s too hot,” you say? Well “fuck you,” that’s what I say. Summer is better and that’s a fact. I can even back that up with anecdotal evidence because nothing says “fact” like anecdotal evidence.

People who like winter must admit there are parts of it they don’t like,  such as shoveling snow, scraping ice off the car windows, driving on icy roads, Rudolf poop on their roof, or finding dead Santas in the chimney. It is inevitable that window lovers find something about winter they don’t like.

Not us summer lovers though! Nope. We love every last sticky bit of it. We even embrace that with summer comes the potential to die in the desert of thirst or sport a look reminiscent of crispy bacon.

You know why? Because its better than dying of hypothermia. Give me dying of heat stroke over that shit any day.

When I was in Iraq, my boss and I had a joke that only we found amusing. He is from Texas and I hail from Arizona. If anyone knows hot weather, we know hot weather. Thus, when the temperature would reach (literally) 130 degrees, while we were wearing body armor, we would say to each other, “It’s hot, but at least I’m not cold.”

And we fucking meant it.

If you think it ain’t that bad to be in 130 degree temperatures while wearing body armor and sitting in the back of a HMMVW where the metal truck bed is just cramming the heat into your eye holes, then undoubtedly you’re a summer person.

Summer is just better in every conceivable way. You people can go stick your frozen heads in the freezer and suck cold ice if you don’t agree with me.

English: Twin Peaks Summer Bikini Contest in 2011.

I have no clue who this chick is but, really, who cares. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If I understand anything about the popular TV series Game of Thrones*, it’s that in addition to showing a lot of hot naked chicks, (just like summer) the characters die a lot which sucks because a Game of Thrones summer is four-years long or some shit.

That awesome if I don’t consider the alternate — a four-year-long winter. That would break me faster than the rath Gordon Ramsey’s rain down on me if I served him a flaccid souffle.

So again, all you winter people can suck it for a few short months. We summer people are happy. HAPPY I tell you, and if you’re a winter person here in Germany, have pity on us summer folks, it will be just a few-short weeks until you’re once again relishing in your dreadful cold and pale-gray bliss.

Until then, we people of the SUN will be out in it. In fact, why the hell am I typing this at all, I should be outside…

* Actually I don’t know crap about the series, I watched all of season one drunk off my ass and apart from a lot hot naked chicks can’t tell you much of anything about it.

Joe Arpaio and the birthers? Nah. Truthers? Meh. G8 protesters? Sign me up!


This was going to be about Maricopa County (my home county, I’m so proud) Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s recent ‘posse’ investigation into President Obama’s citizenship. Yeah people are still investigating the birth certificate thing. The only good thing I can say about Joe is that he ensures, for all of history, that I will not win the ‘most embarrassing thing to come out of Maricopa County’ award.

Thanks Joe.

The fact is that anyone, anywhere, still harbors a shadow of a doubt about the president’s citizenship, is a fucking idiot, really reaching the outer limits of any reasonable definition of sanity.

Here maybe a pop culture reference will explain it for you, doubtful but maybe.

But that fruit is just too low hanging if you know what I mean. Besides Joe’s up for reelection, so there’s that. The fact that he’d pull this stunt wasn’t at all shocking (pink prison underwear, immigration enforcement and tents for prisoners) nor was the fact that the voters of Maricopa county will eat it up like Mexicans eat tacos.

I grew up there; it will play well, sadly.

It’s just, meh. Boring maybe? We’re all collectively tired of the Birthers. He’s the president, fuck you county sheriff … aren’t there some brown people you can go bother? Oh wait.

So I thought about picking on my favorite left wing conspiracy group, the Truthers. Sadly that will just end in a retarded discussion where I’m called a “sheeple” and me just baffled that a seemingly otherwise intelligent person could buy into this idea. I even watched ‘Loose Change’, I DID! Don’t watch Loose Change, I warned you.

I admit it, I'm a sheeple.

Look 19 hijackers flew planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a plot of land in Pennsylvania. Osama Bin Laden yelled, “fuck you America I did that shit” (or words to that effect). We invaded the right country, fucked it up, invaded the wrong country, fucked it up and then kind of got it right. We then started working on the first country again (with mixed results). You’re prepositioned explosions and hologram airplanes (seriously funny cracked.com article there) are retarded so god damned retarded that Charlie fucking Sheen espouses the view point.

It’s akin to people that claim to have been abducted by aliens and anally probed.

Anal probing aliens always kind of make me laugh. So the Aliens have the ability to travel across the galaxy? They weren’t spotted by any of our technology? They have the ability to ‘beam you up’ into their ship? And they’re interest is in your ass? Listen sir or ma’am your ass just isn’t that interesting I promise.

Conspiracy theories are fun, I love them honestly I do.

That leaves me with the G8 and the people that protest the G8, namely their declaration of victory because the G8 summit was moved to Camp David. The move part I don’t care about, other than I’m glad the G8 will have a quiet place, free of pissed off hippies, to meet.

I’m picking on the G8 because my boss considers me a liberal hippy (mostly because I’ve proclaimed loudly at work, “I’m a liberal hippy!” daily for two years.) And maybe I am, in a lot of respects.

Not here.

Dear G8 protesters, who cares?

The G8, for those that need a refresher, are the following countries: Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the U.K. and the U.S. Hint to G8 I think it’s time to add in China, but I understand if you don’t want to.

Boiled down, to the point is has no flavor left whatsoever, these eight nations meet yearly, usually in the summer, to discuss economics, policy, security and other things that make the guy designing the power point presentations want to cry.

We're going to keep burning cars until the violence stops!

Okay what fun that little joke was but you can Google G8 protest reasons all day long … it comes down to those and a few other topics.

Here’s the thing G8 protesters; you’re getting your head caved in by riot police doesn’t ensure that poverty get’s discussed at the meeting. Do you know why?

It was already being discussed.

Do you really think that on the last day of the summit, when everyone has their bags packed and are just waiting for the closing remarks to finish before hailing cabs to the airport some dude walks up to the podium and reads the following announcement.

“Hey we’ve had a great conference and Italy you were wild at the closing party last night, did you get your underwear back? No? I think France took them … France, give Italy her underwear back. Look as many of you are aware there are a lot of protesters outside, don’t worry Russia. But they specifically asked that we discuss poverty. I know, I know, I was like, what? Crap we forgot poverty? We had that day-long discussion of who had the cutest language … shut up Japan you didn’t win fair and square … you won hottest porn award. So look I propose that for the next few hours, we discuss poverty, no Russia not how to make people poorer, how to make them richer, you know how to get rid of poverty. It would mean a lot to the kids outside, what do you say?”

Let me hit this cop with a thin piece of wood, get ready to yell POLICE BRUTALITY!

 

I’m sure on some level, we both (the G8 protesters and I) agree that these countries need to meet up and make connections, talk about important issues and develop personal relationships, be they between leaders, staffers or the security guys that wish they were outside bashing hippy heads in.

I just don’t see what your protest brings to the table. Every one of the participating nations is a democracy (haha Russia you are! Neiner, neiner!). They have elected officials and I assume (wild ass guess here) that each of protesters votes so … What the fuck are you doing? Other than giving the left wing of politics a (deserved in this case) dirty-hippy image, what the fuck are you doing? Occupy wall street had their shit more together than you do and I still don’t know what their main objectives were other than, ‘Wall Street sucks’.

Go there if you must. I’ll never say you shouldn’t be allowed to protest, protest all you like. You might as well protest that the military industrial complex needs to be reminded that it needs tax payer dollars to develop new way to kill ‘dudes that need killing’ though. Here’s a hint if the cops, who by the way LOVE getting all Conan the Barbarian on your hippy asses, ask you not to crowd a barrier or not to go to a place outside the designated area … don’t fucking do that shit.

Besides the fact that everything you think should be discussed is already being discussed do you really think your shenanigans are altering the discourse?

Of course you don’t, you just want to be on TV.