Tag Archives: Army

How to blast through $1,000 without ANY help from strippers


So here I sit, $1000 poorer than I was during a fateful February morning where I retardedly forgot that the quote by Hemmingway to “always do sober what you said you do drunk,” is the worst advice given since Mark Anthony told Julius Cesar he’d be fine going to the senate all by himself.

Okay no one stabbed me and to the best of my knowledge my wife isn’t contemplating starting a household civil war (best to be vigilant though!) I’m none-the-less still an idiot.

Sometime around 1991 or so a young captain in the U.S. Army talked me into pursuing a career as a helicopter pilot.   Besides that fact that I’m sure the Army has some pretty strict regulations about spilling beer in their helicopter and you can’t smoke while flying I know now I would have sucked at, or at least hated, being a pilot.   In my mind they were basically glorified bus drivers once I really thought about it.  I had a cool job as an Army journalist, one day I got to play with the infantry, the next with tankers, the next with artillery … you get the point.

The real point is that I didn’t have any interest at all in becoming a pilot.   Take off, fly around in little fart circles, land.  Yawn.   Literally I yawned typing that.

With that knowledge can any of you tell me why I thought buying that god damned toy helicopter that ‘claims’ to just cost $300 was a good idea?

Trouble started when I tried to mount a go-Pro camera on the damned thing and caused a crash of epic proportions breaking a gear and bending a shaft in the process.   Then some asshole on the internet added further insult to my injury by pointing out that I was an idiot for mounting anything on what is essentially a toy.

This is how I felt when internet bully told me I was retarded.   Also my internet Ar.Drone 2.0 forum name is Badgrl2, why are you judging?

This is how I felt when the internet bully told me I was retarded. Also my internet Ar.Drone 2.0 forum name is Badgrl2, why are you judging?

Fine mister internet forum smart guy … you were right, I was wrong.   Dick.

So off to the Ar.Parrot drone online “we’ knew you suckers would be back buying something sooner or later” store I went to buy a package of gears and shafts.

Next up the forward camera, after being introduced at high speed to a wall (or tree or bush or lord knows what) decided to break off.   Back to the on-line store for a new body structure because the only way to fix a broken forward facing camera is a new ‘body structure’ and you’re basically $80 poorer for the knowledge.

Some point before the new body structure arrived (but the retarded money pit was still flyable, just no damned camera) one of the four motors sent an encoded message back to ar.drone.com headquarters that said, “watch me fuck with this drunk idiot, this is going to be a hoot.”   Basically one motor wasn’t playing nice with all the other motors.    This drove me insane because it didn’t seem to be a motor problem at all.  These facts coupled with the fact that I have the mechanical aptitude of a monkey that’s addicted to meth made figuring out that little gem out — super-fun time.

A pack of two motors later, either because I figured if it can happen once it will happen again so order two or because they came in two packs (I don’t remember which it was), I’m starting to add shit up in my head.   Helicopter, $300.  Rotors and pins, $20, new body structure $80, Motor 2-pack $160.  Jesus fuck this … hobby is the wrong word … ‘retarded decision’ is getting expensive.

Then because the U.S. postal service is basically conspiring to fuck me the main body and the motors arrived but revealed to me that a special screw driver was needed to install them.  Ha-ha, I thought, screw you helicopter I know a full blown race car driver who has like ‘MAD tools.’  I’ll just show the screw to Ray Coley, he’ll have the tool for the job cause ‘have no fear, Ray Coley is here.”

Fourteen-million tries later Ray gave up and took me to a shop near the place we have beer-30 at and 20 euro later I had the tool in hand.  Ray commented that I had been looking visibly depressed before finally finding the tool.

He was of course correct, I was thinking of suicide.  Not my own, hell no I love

I hoped that killing the helicopter with a shotgun would be like this, only better.   I’d also cry after but they would be tears of joy and release.

I hoped that killing the helicopter with a shotgun would be like this, only better. I’d also cry after but they would be tears of joy and release.

me too much.  I was thinking of the helicopter’s suicide and that if it ever flew again how beautiful it would be to shoot it with a shotgun.   Maybe that’s murder though, I don’t know, I’ll leave that decision to history.

With the proper tool in hand I set to work.   The weather was nice, the sun was out and I spent hours in the garage, carefully disassembling and then reassembling, with the new parts, the goddamn nightmare of a helicopter.

Finally with new body assembly attached and broken motor replaced I fired up the iPad and … what the fuck, no firmware.   Seems replacing a tiny motor, leaving the thing without any power for weeks and/or I should have never bought a remote control helicopter in the first place, fucks up the firmware.

Who knew?

Firmware reinstalled the helicopter lifted off and flew around room smartly with me at the controls expertly … okay it took off to about half a foot before immediately committing an apparently suicidal back flip without any input from me at all.

Every. Single. Time.

Up 6 inches followed by a suicidal flip over thingy.  The helicopter hates me, or itself.  Maybe both.

I should add to this, even though it won’t make any sense, I’m also a black marketer.    I’m as good a black marketer as I am a remote control helicopter pilot in that I’m pretty sure my black marketing, this particular mistake aside, cost me money rather than made me money.    It would be hysterical if one of you would notify the German government of my crime so that I can pay a hefty fine … a hefty fine seems appropriate.

What the hell is this drunken idiot talking about, I can hear you asking.  Some of you are hitting the unsubscribe button and the guy considering offering me a book deal is likely crying right now.   I’m not drunk, don’t unsubscribe and look dude I still think “fear and loathing, now with beer” is a perfectly acceptable book title.

In other words, let me explain.

Somehow when Alex, visiting with Maggie, in February talked me into ordering the Ar.Drone Parrot money synch 2.0 I not only ordered the helicopter but I also put another one in my shopping cart at Amazon without realizing it.*

Fast forward to May when Dagmar’s German friend asked us to order a ‘shit-ton’ of barbeque equipment for her husband/boyfriend/dude she lives with/whatever I, like the obedient husband I am dutifully set about ordering all of it on Amazon, cause fuck German Value Added Tax and BBQ is good!

So, looking behind me to make sure no German custom’s agents were watching (they weren’t but the cat was – never trust the cat) I hit check out never realizing that a second Ar.Drone helicopter was in the cart.

Thus during my doom and despair phase, after the firmware had been updated, but while the helicopter was still doing retarded back flips shortly after takeoff, a brand new – never been flown into a wall at high speed helicopter arrived.   Dagmar was very supportive.  While she said, “What the fucking, fuck!  A second helicopter?  Are you fucking insane.” I knew she meant, “Todd I’m so happy you’ve solved your helicopter problem.  A second purchase of $300 is small price to pay for your piece of mind, go my love – go fly.”

And I did, straight into a tree so high that I had to ask the landlord for help getting my toy helicopter out.

Like this, only with more … well shit wait I can’t add anything more to this.  It’s exactly like this.

Drinking leads to things like this, only with more … well shit wait I can’t add anything more to this. It’s exactly like this.

*   Drinking can not only leads to unplanned pregnancies, herpes and surprise appearances on Girls Gone Wild but it can also lead to unwanted helicopters, that’s a pro-tip kids, write  it down .

Homophobic Master Sgt. to Stars and Stripes, ‘teh gays are gross!’


Corey thinks this photo makes baby Jesus cry ...

Today in the European edition of the Stars and Stripes newspaper a Master Sergeant serving in Afghanistan offered readers this wonderful piece  (link). While the letter’s to the editor section of Stars and Stripes has long been both the equivalent to an internet fight among 7th graders (Is not! Is to!) it’s also typically filled with wonderfully retarded opinions. Normally I chuckle and read Pearls before Swine but Corey Wade really caught my attention.

Dear Corey,

How’s the hatred of the gays going?  Seems you’re boiling over in fact with hate. I’d watch the blood pressure; maybe write Limbaugh or Reverend Jones a letter to provide a little relief. From reading this letter you seem to have gotten yourself into a good old fashioned bible- thumping rage over it. That’s awesome, good job … wait a minute.

Did I just read that right Corey? You’re a master sergeant in the U.S. military? Holy shit dude you’re likely in charge of people! I think you might even be the kind of person that the Sergeant Major of the Army talked about recently. The kind he talked about getting rid of I mean.

Okay, because I like you, I’m going to help.

You see in November of 2008 this guy was elected to be our president. I know, I know you didn’t vote for him but the majority of us did and he won. Democracy is a great thing isn’t it? One of those things we both have in common, you and I Corey, is that we love our country. Anyway one of the things he promised was that he’d repeal don’t ask don’t tell.

A lot of people, myself included, thought the whole DADT was kind of like segregation. You don’t think segregation in our armed services was a good thing do you? Good, I hoped not. That aside, our feelings (yours AND mine) really don’t matter (well yours don’t, I’m retired). See the guys and gals in charge (some of them might even be gay guys and gals) said, with the President’s permission, “You can now serve openly if you’re homosexual.”

End of debate.

Now here’s where my heartburn comes with your lovely little hate-filled rant. I really only give it a 6 on a scale of 1 – 10 for general hate-filled shitgasims but for utter bullshit, you’re off the charts Corey. Have a lollypop, good job.

I assume you attended the repeal of DADT Training, I did and it was a hoot! Maybe you had to go to the bathroom when this bullet statement was on the screen.

The Army maintains:

  • Zero tolerance for harassment, violence, or discrimination

I assume you missed it because you wrote: It’s bad enough to publish articles that cover the debauchery of homosexuality.

Were I your subordinate and gay (I’m neither), I’d be more than a little hesitant about approaching you for anything/everything. You’ve basically told me that I’m disgusting and or a sinner. I’m guessing it more of an ‘and’ not an ‘or’ but that’s just a guess. What kind of leader does that make you?  If your subordinates know you think their sexuality makes you disgusting and a sinner I mean.  Do you think that might call into question your ability to take care of your subordinates? I think so, but I also think bible-thumping, narrow-minded bigots in positions of power should be shouted down at every opportunity.

You see Corey, your opinion, no matter how backwards, hateful and wrong, doesn’t matter.

If I, in 1948 had said Harry S. Truman was a fucktard and the ‘the blacks (and let’s be honest, no one said blacks)’ shouldn’t serve next to whites you’d rightfully think I was a racist scumbag and an idiot to boot. You, my good friend, are a bible thumping homophobe … thou doth protest too much!

Besides being a shitty leader by letting your personal beliefs get in the way of your duty you’re also, very fucking wrong. Making fun of statements that are just chocked full of bull-shit is always more fun (to me) than picking on someone’s belief in an invisible man in the sky.

While the bible may or may not say homosexuality it wrong, we all know there’s a lot of whacky stuff in there.   How do you pick and chose which parts you’re going to follow and which parts you’re going to ignore?   Have you let any cattle graze with other kinds of cattle lately? Know any Buddhists? I think you’re supposed to kill them. I propose at your next bible study session you ask the group what the official stance on sitting on a seat that a menstruating woman has sat on is, do you have to kill her too or what? That book is just full of rules, a lot of them made sense (maybe) when we were still living in mud huts but they have no place in today’s society. 

Finally some factual fun: here’s this little gem from your letter.

“The vast majority of military members I know do not support homosexuality.”

Nobody’s asking you to go to a gay-pride parade here buddy. You can even keep your narrow-minded bigotry if you

Gay people obviously have more fun than straight people at parades ...

really want to but now you just have to keep it to yourself. Vote for the guy that opposes homosexuality, Santorum I think his name is if you must.

While it may be true that most of the military members you know don’t support homosexuality (a statement I frankly doubt) the fact remains that 70% of today’s service members DO support the repeal of DADT. You’re echo chamber of religious fired hate aside; most of your fellow service members have joined most of the rest of the modern world in their opinion of the decision.

Corey, the exact same argument has been made every time rights were extended to a group that was previously disenfranchised. I think most of us agree that having slaves is a bad thing and that allowing people of all races and genders to vote is a good thing.

One final thing about your letter Corey:

“America is in a deep moral slide and this country will pay the due penalty of its errors.”

Corey, if this is true, what are you doing in uniform? Aren’t you in essence helping this decline? Corey you’re very vocal but you obviously don’t have the courage to do anything substantive, like most cowards.