Tag Archives: Conditions and Diseases

Wife’s in the hospital and the medical profession is weird. Seriously you folks are weird.


The good news upfront.

The wife’s in the hospital for at least one night and I have total access to porn or I can blog.

I chose to blog so you know what kind of dork I am.  That or I’m typing this one handed.

It’s up to you which one you believe.

Okay, stupid jokes aside.  She’s fine, the doctor realized I needed a night to blog and kept her.

Okay this time I mean it.  No more jokes.  At least until we clarify that yes the wife is fine and that the doctor wanted to keep her at least over night to pump her full of some antibiotics cause he has a medical degree and who are we to question that?

She’s totally fine, they caught ‘it’ early and anyway she’ll be home soon.   Seriously.  She’s good.   I’m pretty sure spilling out too much of her medical condition, here, violates something.

It might have been in our wedding vows but I wasn’t really paying attention.  Something, something, something, don’t blog about this woman’s medical stuff, something, something.  It was in there I’m sure.

She’s fine and that’s not what this update is about, only it kind of is, but in a roundabout way.

This is more about you medical professionals.

From the person that checks you into the hospital to the nurse that takes care of you to the doctor that treats you … yeah you folks …

What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

Don’t get me wrong you’re all saints, salt of the earth really and I’ll never get how any of you do it.

Not in a million years.

I avoid the doctor like the plague, which is odd cause the plague could be the reason I finally see one.    The plague or gout, I hope its gout cause gout sounds medieval.

Me to my imaginary medieval wife: “Well I WOULD go out and earn a living as the town drunkard tonight honey but fucking gout you know?”

Her:  “You just like saying gout.”

And I do like saying gout, so I’ll say it now.  You know to get it out.

Gout.

But back to you medical professionals, all of you are saints namely cause, I couldn’t do it for a second.

Oh I could do it for a second.   Hell I could do it for more than that but eventually I’d snap.

There would be a patient, in the waiting room looking down and holding one of those plastic bag things you puke into in the waiting room, looking pathetic.

Doctor me: Just fucking puke already, Jesus.  Use your finger asshat, are you sick or retarded?

My bedside manner would be level ‘Hitler’.

You’re all so fucking nice.  Surrounded by sick and sick and some sick, you’re nice.

I’d be depressed as shit all day long.

“And why are you seeing the doctor today?  You’re vomiting blood?  Jesus that fucked up, you’ve got some weird shit that makes that happen and you’re prolly going to die or something, god this job sucks.  Fuck everyone that comes in here is sick.  Hang on the boss wants to see me, again.”

I know, I know, my mom was a nurse.  Bedside manner, don’t call the patient a fucking retard and never, never anoint the doctor with ‘holy water’.

Doctor leaving my wife’s room:  what are you doing?

Me: Blessing the ground you walked on with holy water.

Doctor:  That’s a bottle of ‘smart water’

Me:  I know I blessed it in the car last time I had a cigarette, totally snuck a beer while I did it too.

Doctor:  You’re some sort of “religious official?”

Me: Totally, Doctor of Divinity did it in the 90’s.  The internet was a bit wild-west, loosey-goosey back then.   Two hundred bucks and bam you’re a doctor of divinity, I’ll send you the link.  Dunno if it’s still active or not though.

Doctor:  Please stop following me.

Me: I get that a lot, go in peace my son.

For likely the same reason I’d make a great dictator, I’d make a shitty medical worker.  You folks don’t seem to realize (of course you realize but for the sake of the following very-weak joke, you don’t realize) that you hold all the power.   Are you cold?  Fuck off and ask NICELY for a blanket.  Are you comfortable? Fuck you I’ll adjust whatever I want on my whim, you sick person need me more than I need you.

Seriously the surgeon, cause it looked for a moment like my wife was going into surgery, that did the consult with my wife found me wandering later in the hallways looking for a bathroom.  It was a familiar face and I asked him if he knew where a bathroom was figuring he just ‘knew’.    Shortly after I asked I realized he was in a hurry to the next appointment but he took the time to help me find one.

DUDE you save lives, I have to pee.  Hell if it gets bad enough I’ll pee my pants, I’ll pee in one of the hospital’s plants, hell I can just hold it.  Go, sir, go and tell me it’s ‘that way’ and go save lives.

I’d punch each of us in the face.  That in fact WOULD be the bill for each question.

I’ll answer your retard question sir or ma’am but the answerer requires that I punch you, in the face, yeah government regulations.  Sorry.

Mesh panties and pink saline bullets is a party medical people … we’re on to you.

I’ll end with the fact that she and I laughed snot out of noses about some of the names you all give shit.   Your fuckers aren’t funny, or maybe you are, cause the names of shit that ‘must be checked every shift’ are fucking hysterical.

Seriously mesh panties and pink saline bullets (see photo)?

What the fuck kind of weird sex parties are you fuckers having in these rooms after hours and can we get invites?

Please?

I mean once she’s better of course.

Facebook wall photos that piss me off …


Okay look I know I’ve got very little or even no room to talk here but I’m going to talk anyway.   My facebook feed has been blown up over the past several months with shit like this.  Yeah yeah we all (well mostly all) do it but are some of the ones that either made me laugh (for the wrong reasons) or made me litterally roll my eyes.

Cancer is BAD!

I admit it, I was too cool.

Remember the old email spam that said for every forward of an email Bill Gates will donkey-punch a hooker, err I mean he would give a nickel to (insert the charity here)?  If you ever recieved one you (hopefully) rolled your eyes and questioned the wisdom of getting gramma an internet connection.  As retarded as those emails were, this one is even worse.   How is posting this honoring anyone or anything?   This has the exact same effect of my opening my bedroom window and yelling, “I honor cancer victims” really, really loudly.   Actually that has more effect, I’ll annoy the neighbors and I might scare a cat.  You want to show me that you honor cancer victims?  Upload a receipt of your donation to a cancer charity or better yet do some volunteer work.   That honors cancer victims.  Jesus Christ, I need a fucking cigarette.    

  Look, if I was 100% truthful you’d beat the crap out of me

This one I think is for people that never got over the whole Santa Clause thing.   

Basically, Santa was having an affair with your mom, you knew that right?

 Fine, but sit down and have a drink first.  Yes you’re too fat.  That’s an ugly baby.  You really are stupid.   That dress makes you look like a whore.  I thought your idea was idiotic.   I haven’t written or called because I don’t give a shit.  Oh yeah and you’re new hobby doesn’t interest me at all.  I’m going out for a drink with the boys because you’re driving me insane.  I bought you this expensive gift because I thought it would get me into your pants.   I spent little Jonny’s college fund on hookers and blow last weekend in Vegas, the bank didn’t a mistake.

You’re right that was better.

 No, it really doesn’t matter, even though you think it does

After its all over I'm having a beer

Look, if we’re really gone, as in dead, it doesn’t  matter, at all.   How we treat each other matters right now, not later and surely not after we’re dead.   On my tombstone put:

Todd Oliver*
Born blah, blah, blah
Died blah, blah, blah.

 * he was an asshole

 I’ll be gone.  I won’t mind, It’s okay really.

Yeah, yeah I know this is talking about after the agruement but when I first read it I thought it meant after we’re dead.

  This or That? When or Why

lolz at fat gurls!

I know exactly when this happened; it was Nov 20, 1993 at exactly 4:13 p.m., I remember because I was eating a cheeseburger. 

It was a really good cheeseburger. 

Why did this become hotter than this?   That’s the real question here isn’t it?   I can tell you why, because you and me and every one of us ‘bought’ it.

 We drive the market for this shit not the other way around.    As an aside anyone else find it hysterical that we Americans get collectively fatter each year while our super models could blend in with famine victims?  

That shit cracks me up.

I ♥ ‘MERICA!

Get yer gun!

 

I post on face book a lot of political shit.  Seriously it’s a lot of politicl crap, my wild ass guess is that about 50% of what I say there relates to politics.  But even this, were it to reflect my political opinions, is over the top.

Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up. 

Eighty Six percent of the people reading this are going to finally have 100% proof  that you’re an idiot.   Your two redneck friends from high school will repost it and your coworkers are going to eye you suspiciously at work tomorrow.

Term limits.  Good idea, if only we had some sort of voting system to help us with that.

Balanced budget AND tax reform?  I hope you were extra good this year if that’s what you’re hoping to get for Christmas.  You want these things?  Good idea, next time you vote for a senator, congressman or even the president, make sure the he or she can compromise a bit.  That’s how this  should work, each side gives a little and the result is in the middle.   Simply yelling ‘no’, is what two year olds do.

No freebies to non citizens and closed borders, first off no voy a recoger la lechuga de mierda and does the term xenophobia mean anything to you?  Because you forgot to add it I’ll give you a free one, no shira law either, amiright?  

The constitution and the bill of rights are great but how is that culture?   Look you can have a bill of rights and a constitution and live in a society where every second Sunday of the month all males over the age of 16 dip their balls in green paint and yell, “I have green balls” because that’s the cultural norm.  

English is a language.   Now  please look up culture, thanks.  

Ahh here is the nut of it, “Obama gone”.  Relax man he will be gone … in 2016.

 Lay off the drugs (while on Facebook)

 This one is just weird.  It’s like Frodo from Lord of the Rings meets soft porn and well she does have a sweet

I think I need this printed on a shirt

rack.  Anyway, can anyone explain this?   I thought not.   Has anyone told that three wolf one moon guy at Amazon about this image?  Can someone?  Thanks.

And finally …

That's great. Are you going to show me your boobs or not?

You know who else was a best friend and a worst nightmare, Hitler.  Are you saying women are like Hitler?  Surely someone considered Hitler their best friend, maybe an old high-school buddy or that kid that grew up next to him.   He was the guy in the bar that would say, “What about Adolf, he’s my best friend you know.”   Minus the whole genocide, invasion of western and eastern Europe thing I fully agree.   Women are like Hitler.