Are you the early riser in your house? If so you and I have something in common.
You and I look forward to the few peaceful moments that come with getting out of bed early and enjoy the precious few quiet moments we have in alone in the house. If you watch TV in the morning you’re careful to monitor the volume. You might even be selective about which lights you turn on in order to not disturb the other sleeping people in the house.
You’re, like I, am trying to milk every precious second out of the serene, tranquil morning that you can.*
I like to turn the coffee pot on, tip-toe into the living room and, because I live in Europe and get the American Forces Network on my TV, watch yesterday’s evening news – this morning, while surfing on the iPad.
Weekdays I get a half an hour tops.
But on weekends I typically get a lot more. So much so that I might even, don’t tell the wife, take a quick 15 to 30 minute nap. Because life in the 40’s is just that fucking exciting! Don’t tell the kids …
Then two hours later she wakes up and berates me, while wiping the sleep from her eyes, for not having done ‘anything’ for the past few hours.
Read that last bit again, I’ll wait.
I, fool that I am, thought this Sunday would be like all the others. True my suspicions should have been ‘hyper-level 10 million level’ when she not only woke up at the same time I did but literally ‘feet hit the floor’ before mine.
Still though no cause to worry, right?
I drifted down stairs to find her brewing tea and the coffee pot already on.
Full-disclosure, though I am awake earlier it does not mean I am in any way capable of making a decision more important than, “should I scratch my crotch or not” for at least 4 cups of coffee and/or 30 minutes.
But not Dagmar, oh no, not her.
She can go from dead asleep to let’s go run a marathon. Literally, let’s go run, put your stuff on, screw it lets just run in our pajamas, come on let’s go, let’s go!
Her, and you people that are like her, scare me deep, deep inside. I cannot understand you and I’d be sympathetic if I wasn’t so full of rage toward you. Slow the fuck down Sparky, we got the whole day ahead of us.
Normally after this many years my morning ritual, when she sees it, is
respected. I’m afforded an opportunity to drink coffee, blow my nose, scratch my crotch and make sneering gestures at Fox news anchor Sheppard Smith (an unfortunate consequence of AFN is that during the 6 to 7 a.m. time period it’s him or Piers Morgan – even in my foggy state I pick Sheppard over Piers because Piers just sucks. Plus side note, I predict it’s only a matter of time before Sheppard is caught having dude-on-dude sex somewhere embarrassing, like Florida. Side note to the side note if you Google “fox news anchor” and select images (if you’re a guy) you’ll thank me … hello ladies!).
And that’s how I overcame my addiction to methamphetamines using nothing but a case of motor oil and a stick of butter.
See what I did there? I used a joke about getting off track to refer back to the getting off track so we could get back on track. I’m a geniou … maybe I should just get back on track?
So there I am on the couch yesterday morning, hot and first cup of coffee in hand and there Dagmar is with her cup of tea (when did you become British for the love of God?). Typical morning really only she’s up of her own volition and the sun isn’t – which tells me something is afoot.
Then it happens, then the statement is made and it is matched by action. Slamming the footrest back into the sofa without regard to ‘quiet time’ rules at all she jumped to her feet. Her eyes were wild and her muscles seemed, at least would have seemed, were I awake, to swell.
She became Hulk-Dagmar and there would be action this Sunday morning, quiet time and coffee be damned!
There. Would. Be. Action.
I think she was also wearing a green t-shirt which likely led to the hulk analogy, also I was almost asleep.
There are certain ‘thoughts’ expressed in this house that are vocalized but never really acted upon. For instance in all our years of marriage we have never ate ‘rice and beans’ the entire month even though I’ve been told she’ll do it, she totally can do it, and if I don’t watch out, we will do it.
Hint: She won’t but it’s fun to hear.
That’s an example of a threat that, made during a ‘discussion about money’, will never happen. I think it’s called a Paper-Dagmar Argument or something. I should have paid a lot more attention in class.
Then there are the others. They’re not threats, they’re warnings. Things we’re going to do this weekend. “We’re going to go hike up to the castle”, “we’re going to go to Ikea”, “we’re going to clean the house to within an inch of its life” and “we’re going to go to the blah, blah, blah.”
Any husband reading this understands that probability factors in to each of these ‘statements.’ Yeah maybe we’re going to the event this weekend but you dear wife might, you might blank-percent might, change your mind. Most of us agree (at the time) that the plan is a good one and start influencing however we can the odds back into our favor.
Our ‘favor’ is code for those of you that are interested for, ‘staying at home, drinking beer and maybe having a fire.’
It’s in the married guy’s bible, chapter II paragraph 4.5. Look it up.
The one that scares the shit out of me though is the cleaning one. I can’t predict it, I’m helpless when the cleaning beast rips out of her chest ala Aliens and I know it’s going to hurt me. The cleaning one is brought up a lot but it’s usually just a light, once over the house, nothing heavy. But once in a while I find myself moving furniture out of a room and fear for the cat’s life.
So yeah it was the cleaning one.
This is the woman that makes me lift the TV up so she can dust UNDER it. This request is made and granted during ‘normal weekend’ cleaning.
Can you guess what deep-cleaning consists of?
She once vacuumed a large area rug then turned it upside down and vacuumed the bottom of the rug because German-Puerto Rican people are inside.
This woman once cleaned out and reorganized my toolbox because she wanted me to start a blog or because she’s just that nuts. You pick.
Truth be known, between moving furniture and polishing the undersides of things I was allowed to listen to podcasts and at about 1 p.m. or so was authorized beer. The warden has a heart.
To anyone, and yeah I’m looking at you, that says, “You’re the man of the house you do what you want” well I guess your situation is different than mine. Maybe your dynamic isn’t the same as mine. To me when she really, really fuck really, wants to do it I’m not going to stop her and I’m going to be a dick if I don’t participate.
Besides I’m too busy holding up the TV so it can be dusted under to really argue and have you MET Dagmar?
* I have no idea how this works with kids. I just assume they wake up, poop on themselves, set the pets on fire, eat sugar and yell. I’m not far off am I? I forgot only barfing right? Oh and the cartoons. Never forget the cartoons.