Tag Archives: European sauna

Stop F’ing with me Germany … also I feel a bit paranoid. We should go to the sauna.

Germany is fucking with me.

Or maybe it’s the weather that’s fucking with me.

It’s likely best if you imagine me as a meth addict saying those two things.   A meth addict that’s been awake for eight days, hasn’t showered for 10, is covered in sores and this has gotten way off topic.

Look, I know, just as I know I will write another retarded update to this blog that the gray clouds and constant drizzle are about to hit us but, at of this mid-September point it is all 70-degrees and sunny.   If the easiest job in the world is

Brussels, Looking Hot

Like this only in Germany and crap. (Photo credit: clappstar)

Phoenix weatherman (It’ll be hot and sunny tomorrow) the second easiest should be a weatherman in Germany (bring an umbrella!) and its taunting me because you can feel the weather SLOWLY changing but without any of that normal half cloudy, half rainy crap that September usually seems constructed of.

But I’m VERY sure that in all the Septembers I’ve been here in Germany (five of them if I recall) I’m pretty sure I was wearing a jacket at this point.   But not this fall, not this September, its 70 degrees in the afternoon and I should love it.

I should …

You see I grew up in Phoenix, hence the weatherman joke a moment ago, where the sun told you to shut the hell up and get back inside on or about March 1st and didn’t stop flailing your hide until about December 15th.

Dagmar grew up in another hot … oh wait it snows there in the winter.   Half-credit only honey and really it never was that hot when we visited.  Warm yes.   Phoenix hot?  No.

The point is we both like hot weather.   We love it.   LOVE it.  We’ve actually told friends we love hot weather with capital letters.   “Hi, we love hot weather with capital letters,” we said.   It was awkward.

But it’s a good job here in Germany.   Good people, interesting work and I’ve since learned (being from Phoenix) that snow is just water, it can’t hurt you and if you put on more clothes the cold can be tolerable.

Who knew?

Which brings me to the German saunas, always a popular topic if the word searches that lead people here are any clue (perverts!).    Besides sweating while naked next to total strangers, during warm weather, there are ample places to lie out in the sun at the Sauna we go to.   There’s also a heated pool and sleeping rooms and there’s even a natural lake, and back in July and August when the sun was just ‘a-rockin’ it was awesome to jump into its cold water.

Point is we both like to tan and if you can tan in the buff why not do it?  We even seek out the nude beaches here in Europe when we go on vacation, again if you’re going to tan and you can tan in the buff, do it.

I’ll giggle like a school kid on my death bed if the cause of my demise is skin cancer, and I’ll ask for a beer and a smoke after the diagnosis.

We went there all summer long and it was awesome.    Dripping with sweat from the good old sun Dagmar would ask me if I want to go to the next special ‘honey sauna’ and I’d laugh and laugh.

No dear, I’m covered in my own sweat at the moment and when I get tired of that there’s an ice-cold pool right there to turn-off the heat.  Why would I subject myself to being in a super-hot box when obviously Mr. Sun is right here more than happy to meet my needs, and I’m getting tanned to boot.   You’re ice sauna doesn’t do that does it?

We even talked another couple we’ve been friends with for years and years into coming with us by using phrases like, “look you’ve been in Germany for years, shouldn’t you at least try it,” and “wanna see my weiner?”

Cover of "National Lampoon's Vacation [UM...

Naked vacation with friends, we can invite Chevy Chase and make a movie … only it wasn’t. At all.

I had this whole idea that I’d blog about going to the naked sauna with friends and what that was like.  I even told Oh god my wife is German dude I would but in the end it was about as funny as unpacking the groceries.   Maybe even less funny, depending on what you bought.    They’re good friends, seeing them naked didn’t cause any bit of whacky-funny stories like you’d see in a National Lampoon Vacationmovie, damn it.

Friends if you’re reading this, thanks for nothing, assholes.

Dagmar’s going to proof read this in a moment and say something to the effect of, I thought this was about the weather?   And she’s wrong, because it is about the weather and the sauna because the two go hand in hand damn it.

Last week I scanned and scanned the weather.  I checked the iPhone weather app like I was expecting a call from my dealer, I hit refresh on weather.com and weather underground like a junkie.  I even asked the guy that empties our trash.   Everyone agreed, Saturday would be nice, clear with a high of 70 something.

So what happened Friday?   Sunny and 70 is the correct answer.  What happened Saturday?   Overcast with a 100% chance of rain on the way to the sauna?  Yes it was.  What happened Sunday?   Sunny with a temperature of 73ish you ask, yes it was.

Why are you fucking with me Germany?    Also I think the cops are watching from the retired German neighbor’s house across the street.   Yeah, I sound a bit paranoid.

So, what happened today after I drove home in the 70something degree weather with my windows down enjoying the clear blue sky?   Yeah, I Googled it.  There’s a dip on Thursday, with a chance of rain, but otherwise clear skies and 70s.

I’m totally buying tickets tomorrow, one more ride on the sun train.  Chase the dragon man  …

Naked in mixed company, return of the German sauna

This is what my life-sized cutout looked like, only less breasty.

DC Dana (who has her own very cool blog located here) was correct. What I thought doing a blog was going to be, other than a great big giant I love myself and I kiss my reflection exercise, I don’t know. When I told Lynn Davis I was going to do a blog she called it the worst idea since I had that life-sized cardboard cutout of myself made and kissed it, a lot, in the French tradition of course. And I admit that was a really, really, bad idea (it got all wet cause I was too cheap to pay for the laminate).

What I do know is that when I push something here (don’t click that link — see I told you not to) and link it to face book my next step is hitting the refresh button on the status page that comes with wordpress (The status page shows how many views by day, week and month, how many are currently reading, how they arrived at the blog, that kind of stuff) over and over and over again hoping someone reads this crap.

I had this huge, long paragraph that explained in detail why naked in a mixed gender sauna was the most popular post I’d made thus far. Then super-secret mystery guest writer that really, really hated Valentine’s Day blew that out of the water. For the first time in my admittedly short time doing this, more readers came in from Google than Face Book. That impressed me, and the fact that her update was very, very funny.

Basically her post, and the readers that read, it screwed up my reasoning for doing this update. Prior to that update, the most popular reason that a non Face Book reader would come here was to read about being naked at the German sauna (go ahead and read that but COME RIGHT BACK HERE!) which, even in the dust that I hate Valentine’s day left it in, still gets hits. I’m hoping that my thinking is correct in that once Valentine’s Day sucks has passed from recent memory the most popular search term that bring someone here will return to, “first time naked in a German Sauna.” Most popular as in one or two a day not the 40 goddamn million of you that visited cause; well Valentine’s Day does suck.

So that’s what this update is about, sort of (about German mixed gender sauna’s not Valentine’s Day I mean).

Just to reiterate to the Google god this will be about the first time you are naked in a German sauna and what to

I have no idea what the fine print on this demotivational poster says, it was just he least "WE LOVE GOD" image I could find when I googled, Google God. Also what are the rules about using capital letters with Google. When It's Google sure cap that G baby but when you are googling ... nevermind.

expect. Yeah I just want to milk out the hits that aren’t from Face Book … so let’s start with, What to expect during your first naked German sauna experience shall we? I don’t want anyone to miss out on, what will happen when they go to a naked German Sauna for the first time. Otherwise people that have the question, “what is a mixed gender German Sauna like?” will be without an answer. So let’s answer some questions about what your experience at a nude German Sauna will be like.

When I Googled “first time in a naked in a German Sauna” (to write this, not for the first time I went) I found a few really good articles about it, a few retarded Americans (let’s be honest they were all by Americans) who couldn’t get over their Americaness and one idiot, in the comment section on Yahoo answers (Mr. Maul) that said, there have to be separate gender areas otherwise there would be a lot of rape. There are gender separate saunas available in some German Saunas Mr. Maul and I was only raped once in the mixed gender sauna, sir. Only once!

Maybe it’s common knowledge maybe it’s not. The Europeans think that shooting a dude’s face off is disgusting and that a naked human body isn’t.

Backwards I know.

Obviously a naked human is MUCH more dangerous to a society than shooting a person’s face off. We understand this.

‘Merica, human body bad — unless filled with bullets — then human body good. We also like meat a lot which I think means something.

I digress.

I think that basically there are three types of people that Google “first time naked in a German sauna.”

1.  People that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are panicked like a high-school senior a month after prom night

2.  People that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are legitimately wondering what to expect

3.  Men who are about to masturbate, looking for a video that starts with a blonde girl in a towel walking into a sauna where a man wearing a towel says, “you know in Deutschland das towel is verboten” <cue porn music>

Let’s break them down.

In a perfect world this would a photo of a man with an erection, with lots of women laughing at him. This isn't a perfect world.

1. People that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are panicked like a high-school senior a month after prom night. (I figure one person in a hundred has this reason when Googling)

Look here’s the deal, if you’re freaked out about going to a German sauna where you will likely be naked in front of members of the opposite sex, don’t go. If you’re scared you’ll have an erection* or that men will be lusting after your exposed lady bits (you won’t and they aren’t) don’t go. The German sauna’s not for you. It’s about relaxing and taking care of you. If your cultural/family/societal norms are that mixed couples cannot be together in the nude for any nonsexual purpose then don’t go.

If you just read that and still think you might be interested I have golden advice for you. Safe advice, advice that won’t leave you with a publically exposed erection (take THAT Google) or lusted after by lusty men.

Every German sauna I’ve been too has an area where you can undress in private and put on a robe or towel. Wearing said robe or towel walk around the sauna, get a feel for it. You’ll see pretty quickly it’s not the kind of place you fear. Or you’ll run in fear (please report back to me which it is). My point is that you can explore a German (European) mixed gender sauna, without exposing yourself and make the decision based on what you actually see, vice what you think you’re in for.

2. Americans that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are legitimately wondering what to expect (I think likely that two in a hundred people Googling have this reason)

I had this long ass thing in my head that I was going to tell you but I can basically sum it up in a paragraph I think.

Truth is it’s a great day. You’re going to sweat it out, lounge in a pool and basically chill out. It’s Germany, they have an official way to do everything, and this includes relaxing. Insert your own, why did they follow Hitler joke here. But in this, and a lot of other respects, they are right. Germans have it down, give it up, yo.

They’ll have a little schedule, if you will, posted on the wall that says what you should do first, second, third and it ends with a drink. A boozy drink, wine or beer generally.

3. Men who are about to masturbate looking for a video that starts with a blonde girl in a towel walking into a sauna where a man wearing a towel says, “you know in Deutschland das towel is verboten” <cue porn music> (this the basically the only reason anyone is Googling naked in a mixed gender sauna, let’s be honest)

Please send me links to the best videos you find. Thanks.

* I have seen three erections at a German mixed nude sauna. So it does happen. It was all within the same group of men (I use the term loosely) and it was very much intentional (the erections I mean). It was also one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I promise with my next sauna update to explain it.

In fact with the next naked sauna update I will explain the following and likely not in this order:

The Pee-Pee Patrol

Three erections (see above)

What happens exactly when the whole place goes nude.

Sailor man’s penis

Exhibitionist girl

Yes, Dagmar, okay I was looking at those girls cause they were hot (cause Bron Barry was right),

Gay man hits on me in the sauna and the same gay man hits on me later story follow up.

Finally here’s a poll. It’s anonyomous (I think) …