Tag Archives: expatriate

‘Merica! Day one, take two … dispatches from The Seasoned Mariner


After more than 14 hours of constant flights I’m back in ‘Merica! While it’s been less than 24 hours back on the Yankee side of the pond I’m not going to spend an entire blog update bitching about life in the states (yet) but I am going to say it’s always so fucking weird coming back.

While it's not a good view, it's an interesting view.

While it’s not a good view, it’s an interesting view.

Currently I’m at a bar/restaurant called The Seasoned Mariner overlooking, well I’m not really sure what this particular body of water is, nursing a few bottles of Rolling Rock beer.

My wife and her kid are out doing ‘stuff’. Really just stuff, boring stuff that I won’t bore you with because it’s boring, to me at least. I asked them to drop me here, hell they kind of asked if they could drop me here so I’d be less of a pain in their ass and I of course happily agreed.

With the exception of a party of five, having some sort of business meeting turned bull session I have the place to myself.  All in all not a bad deal, it has Wi-Fi, the waitress helped me find a table with power and doesn’t seem to mind serving up endless rolling rock beers to a dude that was overly concerned about having Wi-Fi and a table with power while fiendishly pecking away at a laptop without expressing any interest in ordering food.  Seriously, while I can’t speak to the food, if you’re looking for a place with atmosphere, you could do a lot worse than The Seasoned Mariner in this neck of the woods.

This serves as a great reminder that perhaps my mind does get a little over active

Dagmar said specifically when I was dropped off, don't pick up any hookers and don't get crabs.  So that options out.

Dagmar said specifically when I was dropped off, don’t pick up any hookers and don’t get crabs. So that options out.

when I imagine returning to the U.S. from Europe even if it is only for a quick two-week vacation. American perhaps isn’t as draconian and weird as I remembered after all.

Still though there are some of the things I always find strange upon returning. I can understand every literal word of the business meeting-turned bull session across the room. Sure on base in Germany that’s perfectly normal but anywhere else it’s more the very-rare exception. It’s been a constant eavesdropping session since I cleared customs yesterday. I can’t help myself actually. As a dear friend once told me when we flew back to the U.S. for work after I remarked that we could understand everything anyone was saying he replied, “that’s true Todd and no one is saying shit.”

So prost to that m’friend, prost to that!

So I don’t have too much to say yet about this trip yet. It’s too new, less than 24 hours old as I said.

On Monday we take an overnight trip to a, I hope you’re sitting down, water park! Much like that last time I posted from America when you leave decisions to teenagers, as my step-daughter and wife are keen to do, you and by you I mean I, suffer the consequences.  If there’s a foul mouthed diatribe that endlessly repeats the phrase “MOTHER FUCKING FUCK FUCKERS!” posted sometime on Tuesday you’ll know that trip was a success.

There are few things in America I wish to do, apart from visiting friends and family I mean. Someday I’d like to see Yellowstone National Park and Mount Rushmore. I would, with great enthusiasm, tour any historical civil war battlefield. Alaska, you might be shocked to learn, has an allure to me and maybe someday that’s will be checked off the list.

Water parks, with their throngs of screaming children, are almost literally at the bottom of the list. Truthfully they do not even belong on the list at all. They’re near the top of the list of shit I don’t want to do anywhere in the world, ever. But that’s a different list all together isn’t it?

But I know, I shouldn’t be such a selfish bastard and I won’t be. I won’t be such a selfish shit because, and thanks to the internet this has been confirmed, the park has a bar which I’ve been assured I can have full and unfettered access to. Seems even America has the compassion to be merciful to dipshits such as myself.

Well anyway the business meeting is breaking up and heck, I’ve learned a lot listening in. One of them knows someone that has an antique chair in their basement that’s worth $300. One of them thinks the water bills here are too high and another is married to someone that works for “an agency” on Ft. Meade. He’s so mysterious.

A pleasure boat also just docked and two men are enjoying a corona while a 3 or 4 year old girl plays in some sand nearby. It look utterly peaceful, that’s an afternoon I would enthusiastically embrace if I moved back here.

More in a bit, this rolling rock isn’t going to drink itself.

I need your vote … for someone else


Because I’ve been inspired by a fellow blogger who’s been nominated for an award (more about this in a moment) I think I’d like to take this update and give something educational and cultural to you, the reader. Maybe someday with more updates like this it might become readers. But let’s not hold our breath.

One of the great things about the holiday season in Europe and specifically Germany is something called gluhwein. Gluhwein is of course wine heated up and spiced. There are two ways that I know of that you can acquire gluhwein and a third way that you should never, ever, ever attempt (I don’t think it’s actually a method through which anyone has ever successfully acquired gluhwein – it’s kind of like that really hard quest at the end of a video game) to get some.

Paderborn, Germany: Christmas market at the Ra...

These would be a lot more enjoyable in July with a glass of cold beer. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The first is to visit one of Germany’s numerous Christmas markets. As it’s really cold here right now you can enjoy a cup while the wife wanders off looking at shiny things. They even serve them in holiday mugs which I think every wife that’s ever visited a German market instantly refuses to return to the stand from which it was purchased and years later asks ‘where the hell did all these fucking mugs come from?”

That’s the first way. The second way, my preferred method, is to buy it already bottled in the store and then heat it in a sauce pan and enjoy in stolen* market mugs near a nice fire. Provided your spouse can locate the dozens of mugs she has squirreled away.

The third, attempt let’s call it, is to ask a German, any German how to make it. You take some wine, some sugar (of which I guess there are about 45 million types suitable for this purpose), some cloves, 14 oranges, 12 lemons, elk meat (raw), tears from a child, and who knows what else. I promise during each and every description of how they make gluhwein you’re mind will eventually wander away.

I mean I’m glad that the nation is proud of their homemade gluhwein recipes but for the love of god stop ear raping me with your stories of the different kinds of cinnamon sticks you use to stir the wein or wine but you knew that.

So see I was helpful for once!

Okay, okay I know I wasn’t helpful but honestly what were you expecting from a blog called, had a few beers? Yeah I thought so.

In the past I’ve asked you for things and some of you have even come through! Although my call for photos of your (well the fairer sex of you anyway) cleavage on my birthday came up a bit short I mean like only one of you participated!

But this time I’m hoping you can take a moment to go to this website here and vote for the blog, ‘Oh God My Wife is German” as the best expatriate blog. I say

English: Ballot Box showing preferential voting

Consider it your patriotic duty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

with all sincerity it’s a VERY funny blog. That aside the author was very helpful to yours truly when I first stated blogging (he even linked to me and in fact still does from his blog roll– thanks dude!). So I’m hoping we can in some way help push him over the top so I can say, I’m linked to by the award winning, Oh God My Wife is German, blog!

I’m going to insert the instruction he gives his readers on how to vote because let’s face it, if I try to describe the process you’ll all end up at some website like ratemyrack.com wondering where the funny blog is.

One more thing though. Voting ends December 14th so umm, you basically have to do this right now … go, go do it!

So to help them out:

  1. 1. Go to http://www.expatsblog.com/blogs/1129/oh-god-my-wife-is-german.
  2. 2. Scroll to the bottom of the page.
  3. 3. Fill out the fields under, “Leave some love for this blog.”
  4. 4. I know it sucks to give out your email address. I did it already, and I know I can unsubscribe from Expats Blog whenever I want. If you are uncomfortable with the email address part, don’t even worry about it; just keep reading our blog and know how much we appreciate your time and attention!
  5. 5. If you don’t care about the email address part and you actually leave us a good vote? THANK YOU! If our blog wins, we’ll likely write a special post to thank you for your time!

Thanks!