I smell like hooker.
In fact, I have glitter on me.
Don’t tell my wife okay?
Why I smell like hooker and have glitter on my body is best described with a photo …
Yeah that. That right there. That’s the issue. Coconut Carmel Whip hand sanitizer and girly girl co-workers are the reason.
They’re at fault. Not me. No sir.
Earlier in the day I purchased two bags of “Bigs” bacon-flavored sunflower seeds because they’re flavored like bacon. How anyone can pass them up in the store remains a mystery to many of us.
Anyway, after happily munching bacon-flavored sunflower seeds at my desk all damned day long, I’d worked my way thought every drink I had at my desk. I drank an old can of Citra found in the desk drawer, the Gatorade I bought with the sunflower seeds, a carton of old milk in the office fridge (bad decision). I was contemplating collecting the dew off plants outside when I finally broke down and went to the Shoppette.
The Shoppette, for those of you unfamiliar with military life, is basically a convenience store. They have lots of convenient products, it’s never very clean and the cashier only has like $20 in the register.
An IV for my tongue (Salt fucks a tongue up!) was what I wanted. I considered buying a bag of ice and just sucking the cubes, one after the other.
After asking my co-workers what they wanted, because I’m an awesome guy, I struck out on my five-minute endeavor. Because I’m quite the clever guy, and because I am basically a lazy bastard, I decide to also buy some beer for later when I get home. I bought two Gatorades, a bag of chips for the boss and two, four-packs of Bitburger because nothing says you have shitty taste in beer like Bitburger purchased in Germany.
Proudly, I step up to the counter and engage in small talk.
I am fine today sir, just fine and you? Ah that’s splendid. Busy? No? Well sometimes that’s good, my friend. Yes, yes I would like to hear about your special …. Wait, what’s all this fucking liquid.
Thankfully the store was empty, because as the cashier bagged the beers up it became obvious that one of the beers had a hole in it. It was obvious because there was fucking beer everywhere in little tiny puddles. All over the counter, all over the bags, and a glistening trail on the linoleum leading up to the register.
I can only assume the cashier also has a long history with beer. Perhaps he has a blog called Ilikebeer.com, we may never know. We both immediately sprung into action trying to locate the culprit. (To discover which beer can has the pinprick hole in it, one must firmly squeeze each can.)
Can you see where this is going? Yeah, me too. NOW I can.
I, of course, located the wayward can and when I gave it a firm squeeze, a pressurized stream of beer shot out all over my arm. Actually, it was worse than that, it shot back into the aisle and covered not only my arm, but my shirt and hands in the process.
I replaced the four-pack, paid for my order, then desperately looked for something to clean up with. The search proved futile. I’d have to stay beer-soaked until I got to the car where I had a bottle of, I’d soon learn, empty hand sanitizer.
A good 45 seconds of cursing later, I said fuck it and drove back to the office covered in drying beer. Which, I think most of you know, smells like ass.
Throwing my boss his bag of chips, I looked for and located what appeared to be a bottle of hand sanitizer. I plucked it off my (absent at the time) coworker’s desk and applied a liberal dollop to my hand and to my arm and commenced with the sanitizing.
But in addition to the alcohol-smelling, germ-killing goodness, I was treated to stripper glitter, coconut and caramel whip, whatever the fuck that is.
So male friends this is the lesson. You can grab anything off a male coworker’s desk and use it for any manly purpose you so desire, but reach into your female coworker’s desk and come away smelling of strippers, bad decisions, and coconut.
Finally, damn it, is humanity just breaking down? There was a time that hand sanitizer just contained alcohol, some gel shit and it smelled like dead germs. Who is the asshole who started adding glitter and coconut to this stuff? Used to be that prisoners would take this hand sanitizer and light it on fire during riots, what are they doing with it now? Exfoliating …