Tag Archives: GOP

An open letter to the GOP … I could love you, I could


Holy fuck, seriously holy fuck, that’s the only way to describe the abortion that is turning out to be the Republican National Convention.

Seriously I just watched the news and Bret Baier from Fox News just threw up on camera and quit after saying “holy fuck, what are we doing here?”

Polls show that ‘zero’ percent (with an error rate of plus OR minus three percent) of African Americans support Mittens but the GOP seems to be obvious to this fact as they’re trying harder and harder to alienate every woman in America.

Seriously, according to the GOP, “you bitches need to get back in the kitchen.” I’d like cookies but I’d like you to vote more.

On the heels of Todd Ryan’s retarded statements about rape we have the joy of Tom Smith who compares the shame the father of a daughter that’s been raped to the shame of a father of a woman that has a baby out of wedlock.

Because it’s 1943 and I can’t even finish this fucking sentence.

Someone, and to the convention’s credit the person was thrown out, tossed peanuts at a CNN reporter trying to do a stand-up report while yelling, “this is how we feed the animals.”

Listen asshole, I’m going to pretend for a moment that you’re not a giant douche bag … that’s NOT how we feed any animal, and she’s just doing her job. You like jobs right? Fuck you you’re not listening anyway.

But, but, but Governor Chris Christie? He waited until the end to mention the robot, I mean Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney ….

Life-long GOP member Orrin Hatch reveals that the GOP is full of bigots by saying, “yeah I think the gays are gross but let’s stop being assholes to them and let them get married.” Welcome aboard Orrin, we need to talk though.

George Bush Junior hasn’t been mentioned because, well George Bush Junior. Actually I can’t fault them there, smart move.

Meanwhile the media can’t ask Mitt about, well anything. This is about the economy for fuck’s sake, stop asking any other questions. No other questions damn you. Nothing else! Obama’s birth certificate is on the table but the Bain Capital earnings are off the table.

The “big tent” is now a shade umbrella that’s in danger of blowing away in the waves of hurricane Isaac.

I’m about to get gross, Mom, Dad and anyone else with a low threshold for gross should stop reading right now, come back in a paragraph or two.

You’ve been warned.

Look Republicans, this is like watching porn. It is. It’s like watching that scene where the girl takes both the guy’s cocks in her mouth at the same time and you and I go, OMG they’re TOUCHING PENISES!

Or Peni or Penis’s or whatever the fuck you say there.

I don’t know.

Maybe that’s the wrong metaphor. But I like boobs so porn metaphors were inevitable.

Deal with it.

It’s like watching a train wreck none the less.

Look, can I speak honestly? As a democrat there are things the GOP believes that, I at least, also believe.

I’m for a strong national defense, Rome without her legions became feudal Europe so yeah, fund defense.

I’m all for personal responsibility but again like Rome, ‘the free grain dole,’ was likely a good idea. Safety nets aren’t bad, without them bad things boil.

If you’re the party of small government, something I, and many Democrats, could really get behind, stop legislating morality.

That’s ‘big’ government … telling my wife, my daughter, my sister and my female friends what they can and cannot do with their bodies is in fact “BIG GOVERNMENT”.

The market’s not God, it needs to be regulated. A market unbound is a sweaty fat man gambling the family savings away with a shady bookie in dark alley.

It needs left and right limits.

I care not one bit if man marries his donkey, really I don’t give a fuck. I also don’t care if two dudes marry or two chicks marry, it’s NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT. What’s important is that two people, no matter the sex, that are committed to a loving and life-long relationship are afforded the same ass-pain you and I are when they realize they hate one another.

There has to be a republican out there, reading this or not, that is a news junkie like me. They also must have realized recently that FOX News is making baby steps toward the center. There is a reason for that, just like they dumped fucktard Glenn Beck.

Mitt and the GOP are going to lose this election and I’m sorry but you didn’t really put up a fight. You punched each other more than you punched the Democrats. We never Democrats never even got our gloves on, we were too shocked watching you all prepare for the fight by killing each other.

Tea Partiers reading this, all none of you, my thoughts follow.

You can teach your kids, it’s wrong to be married to a same sex partners but do you really need to make that a law? The sin’s on the ones that do it, isn’t it?

You can teach your kids, it’s wrong to abort a fetus, but the sin is again on the woman that did it, isn’t it?

Yeah, yeah, it’s a baby an unborn life. But there are thousands of lives that are lost every day, where are you there?

Teach your kids that evolution is wrong but let school teach science. Teach your kids that global warming is wrong but let the schools teach … if your argument is stronger is SHOULD win out in the kids mind, right?

I’ve written, rewritten, refucked, reunfucked this last bit for a week if not the last every year.

And what the fuck am I trying to say is, I don’t know.

Boiled down, you are the least racist, most open party that ever existed in the history of the world. You could, unbridled, change the world, but you, but you but you … if only you could escape the extremist clamps that seem to shackle you.

If you work to exclude you will always lose, it takes a big tent after all.

Someone who used to comment here (hint, hint) said recently on my facebook feed that the GOP needs a strong fiscal leader (I agree) that is a named, hell branded, as a Republican that slides to the left socially.

We have one. He’s not branded Republican but he is exactly what you ask for ….

President Obama, actually.

Dem ladies to GOP dudes; stop legislating stuff into our vaginas and we’ll leave your rectum alone


While scanning the Huffington Post this morning I found this bit of happy news, Virginia State Sen. Janet Howell (D), sponsored a bill requiring that men receive a rectal exam before allowing a doctor to proscribe erectile enhancement drugs.

I want to buy Ms. Howell a beer, or a glass of wine or whatever the hell she wants to drink because, aside from the message here, that’s brilliantly funny.  

Life in 1950 was pretty boring and that's the way the GOP liked it.

To anyone not paying attention, the GOP’s efforts to turn the clock back to 1951 in regards to women’s reproductive rights are hitting the news channels with frightening (read it’s an election year) regularity.   It’s as if the GOP is standing on the nation’s soap box yelling that women can’t be trusted with their own bodies and that if everyone would just stop with all the fucking the world would be pure again.  Purely empty maybe but you get my meaning.

While I’m sure most republican’s realize Mad Men is not a reality show and that it’s in fact 2012, the rest of us thought we’d solved this whole contraceptives, abortion, women’s health debate years ago.

Apparently we were misinformed.

In February Virginia attempted to require that doctors perform a vaginal ultrasound before allowing a woman to have an abortion.  While there are legitimate, if only because of state law, reasons prior to an abortion, for a vaginal and other types of ultrasound public outcry, correctly, pointed out that the doctor is more likely to know which procedure is best and which is just a state-mandated, invasive, and all around ‘get your ass back in the kitchen’ misogynistic bullshit.

This from the side of the fence that constantly screams about Obama Care being an example of invasive government.

Arizona also joined in the fun.   But in typical Arizona fashion they added their own “just fucking mean” amendment to their abortion bill.*   In effect they tried to make it legal for your doctor to lie to you, you meaning a woman, you know the lesser sex.  “No ma’am you’re not pregnant, that morning sickness can all be attributed to bad tacos and come back in a few months when you’ve already discovered the truth.”

What? You're black AND the president? I'm gonna have to have one of my sheriffs investigate this shitz!

Jesus Christ Arizona, when not yelling at the president on national TV, decrying that the president isn’t a natural born citizen or hassling brown people you’re writing laws that tell doctors its okay to lie to their patients.   People often look to Florida for crazy state politics and with good reason.   Arizona though also has crazy politics, but unlike Florida, in Az. it’s just fucking mean.

Also if you look at … wait!  Holy crap I just really, really read those links and while Virginia and Arizona are getting the flak, both bills have ALREADY been adopted by lots of other states.  Those sneaky bastards.

This paragraph, the one your reading right now, was going to be a nod to Ron Paul supporters.   I was going to say that although I think he’s a little too out there on some issues his stance on no government interference in reproductive rights is dead on the money.   Was. Going. To.  Key words, there because even libertarian ‘die in the street if you don’t have health insurance’ candidate Ron Paul is against a woman’s right to decide.  

That’s why both Huffington Post links are just that hysterical.   (Mostly) women legislators throwing the crazy right back in to the GOP’s faces.  

While some states want to mandate a vaginal probe with a 10 inch … dildo?  No.  A 10-inch vibrator?  No that wasn’t the term it’s a 10 inch sonogram wand.   I’m not making that up, although Gary Trudeau’s of Doonesbury fame, is catching flack for calling these bills out for what they are, and referring to the devices as  ‘shaming wands’ which strikes closer to the law’s intent I think.    Here’s a link to the actual cartoon and here’s a link to the rape quote he used in an interview with the Guardian.   Rape might be a bit strong but what do you call a medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound?   I mean it does sound kind of ‘rapey’ or just fucking plain out creepy.  It also takes ‘intrusive government health care’ to a different level

On many business trips, millions and millions of innocent sperm lose their lives ...

There’s the spilled semen bill (I’m not kidding) which I think was a Monty Python skit that seeks to, no shit, criminalizes men who ejaculate anywhere but inside a woman’s vagina.  You’re killing my porn but it just might be worth it.  There’s also Illinois state Rep. Kelly Cassidy who wants to force men hoping for a Viagra prescription to watch a film about men with painful boners.  Which I have to say is hysterical as well and bringing home the point.   You want boner pills?  Fine but first you have to watch this three hour movie of a man groaning in agony with an erect, throbbing, painful purple cock.   I’ll just press play, popcorn with extra butter anyone?

 Finally there’s this quote from the article:

Representatives of the Family Research Council Jeanne Monahan said, “… it’s an invasive surgery with real consequences, and I would think that most women want more rather than less information before having one.”

Which makes me wonder what the fuck Jeanne thinks Google and or conversations with doctors are for?  Well fair question is you live in Arizona I guess.

If you’re reading this and you’re planning on voting come November and specially if you have a vagina, but even if you don’t, I hope you take all these things into consideration and remember that only one party is out to fuck you, with a 10-inch shaming wand.

*to be fair the Arizona law has a sort of/kind of honest background.   It’s about couples that aren’t informed by their doctors that the fetus has some sort of deliberating medical condition which, after birth, causes said couples to, rightly I would guess; sue the fuck out of the doctor.   Although why the law is written in such a way that doesn’t help the couples as opposed to the doctor is anyone’s guess (hint: it’s Arizona is likely a good guess).

Baby? No Baby? It’s a choice right?


Here's a link that I think goes to the history of birth control pills. I say I think because it's late and I didn't really read it very well

While it might be fun (for me anyway) to launch into a tirade against the Catholic church’s recent opposition to the Government’s requirement that they include birth control in the health care they offer their employees at Catholic universities and hospitals I’ll try not to.

But mostly I will.

A quick Google search of the church’s reasoning behind this opposition to contraception seems to be that every time a man and a woman engage in the “marital embrace” it’s to make a baby. That’s right the only reason, which I guess in a very strict sense is true, to have sex is to reproduce.

This website even lists several biblical examples of God striking down couples that “hid the miracle of the marital embrace” and were struck down by God’s wrath. God, according to Catholic leadership, really, really likes babies.

One problem I have with this is that according to a study in April of 2011 an astounding 98% of Catholic women support the use of birth control. So even after (presumably) telling Catholic women they shouldn’t use contraceptives 98 out of a hundred either did so or supported the decision too. If you argument is so poorly thought out, so poorly put forward that even your own faithful audience ignores the message, it’s like the message is not a very good (useful) one.

But really that’s between the Catholic church and their followers. Really it is. The problem I have is when the Catholic Church tries to dictate to non-Catholics what contraceptives their health care plans cover (hint it’s none!).

If the U.S. Government was making the Catholic Church use their money to directly spend it on contraceptives, despite their moral opposition, I would be truly offended. But what the church is doing in essence is telling non Catholic employees what they can and cannot do with their own money. If I’m hired tomorrow by a Catholic organization and the job has a health care plan that comes along with it, its part of the salary effectively. The plan is available because I have toiled through time effort and job skills for their organization. In other words I’ve earned it.

Why every woman (hell every man as well but that’s another update) isn’t outraged by this is beyond me but I suspect it has something to do with the Kardashians, desperate housewives and the Jersey Shore.

Is it just a well-timed, “look at what evil President Obama is attempting to make us do” attention grabbing political election year stunt? I don’t know but I’ve already heard every GOP hopeful chime in about it. If the Catholic Church had been this energized about Clergy molesting children there might have been a few less clergy molesting children.

I know, I know, it’s not the same thing. But it does point to an organization that is out of touch with reality in my opinion.

Even the websites listed above point out that contraception isn’t a new phenomenon (though I’d argue safe and effective contraception is). They point

Hopefully this couple had lots of kids, before this happened obviously.

out that there are references to the use of contraception in the bible (referenced as bad of course but still references none the less). I can understand why the church might take this stance if the year was 1012. With high infant mortality rates, plague, starvation and the like would suggest that yes, please do keep the babies coming if for no other reason than to keep the church pews (and pocketbooks) full.

However it’s 2012 and kids today generally have a very, very good chance of, well living. Some of them in our American health care system I understand might even be healthy (and chubby if the most recent statistics are to be trusted). That fact that today’s women have a safe, reliable method of birth control is, arguably, one of the greatest medical advances of all time.

I really don’t care which parts of the bible the Catholic Church chooses to support and which they ignore as long as they do that, inside the church. My opinion though changes radically when they start to enforce that standard on their employees, inflicting their belief on those who are opposed to it. Yeah, yeah, they don’t have to work there but that’s not the point. The employee has earned the right to health care and it’s not the church’s say as to whether that health care covers contraceptives. This is exactly (well one of many) reason we needed government health care reform.

Finally I do understand that many health care companies routinely disallow certain services. Mental health and dental care are primary examples; need I bring up pre-existing conditions? Access to contraception isn’t one that insurance companies, outside of their dealing s with the church were not one of them. It’s far, far cheaper to pay (from the insurance company and the from the insured’s perspective) for contraception than it is to pay for a baby carried to term or an abortion.

The GOP and their candidates have already started to use this contraception issue as a talking point for repealing “Obama care” ignoring the fact that this was exactly the kind of thing that regulation of our health care system can do right. In essence it forces an employer to be fair to an employee regardless of that person’s faith.