Tag Archives: Gun control

Look stop yelling at me, I’m not pro-gun control — mostly. Also I was only a pinko commie for like 3 days back in the 90s.

Look let’s clear the table okay?

Let’s get rid of the newspapers, the unopened mail, your key chain (which doesn’t belong on the table in the first place), the magazine you were reading this morning and that retarded salt and paper shaker you bought while on vacation to Niagara Falls in 2002 (I’ve always hated those anyway).

Is the table clear?

I have to be honest here, the image selection for 'clear table' left a lot to be desired.  It was mostly images of clear tables.  So here's a semi-naked chick saying fuck off.  Win, win right?

I have to be honest here, the image selection for ‘clear table’ left a lot to be desired. It was mostly images of clear tables. So here’s a semi-naked chick saying fuck off. Win, win right? (Photo credit: I found this while drunk and forget where)


Now to be clear myself (because I guess I wasn’t very clear) I’d like to state clearly the following.

I do not support gun control.

There I feel better.    Does that clear anything up?   Maybe not because if the comments and emails I’ve received are any indication, I can’t make a point to save my life.

That last update, the one made in the wake of the school shootings where some deranged madman killed 26 people, most of them children, hit a nerve it seems.   Which struck me as odd.  I expected pro-gun control people to call me out but the majority of the feedback, let me be honest here all of the feedback, I received was from the gun rights advocates.

What the fuck?   The, poorly penned perhaps, update was me saying to the pro-gun control people, ‘gun control’ shouldn’t be on the table and even if it is you cannot win the argument.

If we assume (and it’s a bit of  leap I grant) that pro gun control people are, for the most part, liberal and also favor such things as equal marriage rights for LBGT individuals, better nationalized (Obamacare) health care and every other left-leaning, ‘suck at the state’s tit while hard working Republicans pay for it program there is’ then that blog update was a plea for all of us to collectively shut the fuck up about gun control because to argue for it expends political capital in the manner that a problem gambler spends money in Vegas.

kids with gun equals fun

I really need to do a better job with photo credits. Not idea where I found this …

You’re not going to win the argument and you’ll spend vast resources trying to the defeat it all the while giving away the things you could have here and now.  It’s pointless, stupid and hurts only you in other words.

To anyone still in favor of current gun control policy that is still with me, I repeat, we should leave guns alone.

To anyone desiring stricter gun-control laws stay with me please.

Here’s part of my point lefties, and I’m with you on like 99% of our ideals, I just break away on this one.   I don’t break away because I think it’s a good idea that America be an armed society but rather because I see that this cannot be stopped.  Even if it is stopped, as I said before, with 220 million guns out there the minute you outlaw guns in America, only outlaws will have guns.   It will be, at a minimum, 50-years of chaos that will make24 dead kindergartners look like a Sunday morning bake sale.

This next part kind of sucks, and I honestly thought long and hard about writing it, but at the end of the day it’s 24 kids and it makes a good news story.

What’s the tired phrase, if it bleeds it leads?

It’s a kind of a popular defense for gun-right activists to say, “if the media would stop reporting these tragedies the way they do they wouldn’t happen.”  Indicating that the psychopaths that do them wouldn’t end up being infamous if no one talked about them and I guess at a base level they’re right but the media is a business and I for one cannot fault them for pushing what sells.

Hell that’s been the norm sense the Romans pitted the Christians against the lions and sold out the Coliseum.

Right or wrong, it sells.

And who are we to fuck with business, free markets always being ‘right’ and all.

Which leaves us with, it’s us.

Perhaps there is some Westborough Baptist Church solution here?  Maybe we all, pro- gun control and gun-rights advocates, could organize and collectively pee on the graves of each shooter on their death day as a sort of ‘fuck you, you’re not famous’ protest’.    Would the media cover it and if they did how cool would that be, news footage of all of us peeing on graves of mass-murderers, I’m laughing about the blurring they’ll have to do right now.

But that wouldn’t work either, not really.

This is a stupid argument unless it isn't.

This is a stupid argument … Unless it isn’t.

I also had this great, I mean it was great, argument about why the ‘ban cars because they kill more people than guns’ argument was stupid.

But as stupid as it is, it’s not really that stupid at all.

Damn it.

What those on the gun control side of the argument think their hearing when the gun right advocates say that is, “well this thing kills more people than guns so let’s ban it even though we know no one will!”

But the reality of the message is, “both of these technologies are here to stay, banning one is as pointless as banning the other and again, neither are going anywhere.”

Because, as I said before, 220 million fucking guns, that we know of.

Let me end this as I (tried) to start it.

Leave gun rights alone.    I have friends that own guns.  I have family that owns guns and I even enjoy shooting guns.  Ninety-nine point nine percent of gun owners are lawful and responsible gun owners.    A general ban on guns will only tear this country apart in a way not seen since the 1860s and gun ownership is a pointless point to do that again.

My next update, I promise, will have much more to do with boobs.

The gun argument is already dead, here’s why.

14,835,548 likes.  14,835,548 LIKES.  A like page on facebook has 14,835,548. Words fail me.

4,835,548 likes. 14,835,548 LIKES! A like page on facebook has 14,835,548. Words fail me.

Besides being a place where I’m told to ‘like’ a photo of Jesus or God will kill a puppy, Facebook is the number one place I go on the Internet because, as science tell us, I’m an idiot.

While the fact that Facebook annoys roughly 98.7% of its users at any given moment is a great reason for a future (and past) HAFB post, it’s not the reason I’m writing this today.

I’m writing this to talk to all my friends on the left about gun control. But not in the way you think I’m going to.


I’m writing this to say, calm the fuck down and let’s leave the right’s guns alone. Not just for now, forever.

Those of you who kind of know me are thinking, “What the hell? This is the last thing we’d expect from you. Your heart bleeds like a stuck pig.”

Those of you who really know me are thinking, “Holy crap he’s drunk out of his mind and likely typing this naked.”

Look.  I’m not drunk (but I am naked) and I’m still the liberal you’ve come to know and love.

Here’s the point. There are an unknown number of guns in America. Not 60 quadtrillion or ‘more guns than grains of sand on the beach,’ but an unknown number of guns.  Wiki says its like 220 million and the NRA website clearly states there are, “not enough guns.”

Anyway, we have a lot of guns.

Obama, the House and the Senate (not to mention the Supreme Court) aren’t going to pass any laws in the coming months or even years outlawing guns.   They’re not.

Guns, my friends, are here to fucking stay.

So what are they, the government, going to do?  Who knows?  An assault weapons ban is my guess, but more likely it’s going to be more restrictions on who can buy weapons and how they can be bought.

Which is bullshit.

I can’t put that into terms that are clearer with any less swearing.  It’s bullshit, plain and simple.

Most people who own and buy guns are — get this folks — law-abiding citizens who will sigh and endure whatever extra steps the government puts into place before they can buy their next gun.

Then, and here’s the fun part, there will still be an unknown (or 220 million, you pick) number of guns in America.

What I’m trying to say is — the barn door has been opened but the cat has left the bag and the building is still devoid of Elvis.

It’s really too late.

Even if we, through some miracle I cannot fathom, amend the constitution, there’s still a crap-ton of guns out there. Even if an amendment is passed and the efforts of the U.S. government and the people are monumental in turning in guns – we’re still fucked because there is a shit-ton of guns.

The cliché at that point becomes true: When guns are outlawed, only outlaws have guns.

You know why most other westernized (a bullshit categorization if ever there was one) nations have very small amounts of gun violence? It’s because, wait for it, they never had 220 million guns in the first fucking place.

None of this says anything about the percentage of the population that takes the statement, “you can take my gun from my cold dead hand” into account … at least a percentage of the people posting that on Facebook or their rear bumper mean it.

If you think 26 dead at a Connecticut grade school was bad, oh boy are you in for an eye opener. These diehards will make that look like a trip to Disneyland.

Why do I say that? How can I say that with such certainty?  Can I offer you 220 million reasons why?

Look, as I said, I am a liberal crybaby of the highest magnitude. I am. I do someday want to see an America (mostly*) free of gun violence, and I fully realize that the only way to do that is to get rid of guns. But it will have to be cautious, rationed steps that get us there.

And here’s the nut of the problem, it’s has to be a solution that gun rights advocates agree to also. Any other solution is dead, dead, dead.  Kinda of like those kids, dead is dead after all.

There is a segment of the population that feels they need a gun in their homes for protection. I disagree only because statistically said gun is much more likely to cause the owner harm than save him, but again there are 220 million fucking guns out there.

I, at least, see and understand the logic, I disagree with it, but I do see and understand it. I won’t have a gun in my house because statically I’ll more likely be shot by my wife during a spell of extraordinarily bad beer farts, than not. But again, your risk. If you feel safer with a gun in your house and you’re a responsible owner, more power to you.

Hunters have no fear. I know your kind and I love you all like brothers. I’ve never hunted a day in my life but I’d hunt if you’d take me tomorrow.

Hunting, not prostitution, is the oldest profession. It’s not today, not tomorrow, not ever, in danger.

Here’s the deal my lefty friends, and here’s my point my right-leaning buds: The problem will literally take care of itself.  More of these school massacres and more and more of you will come to the table to discuss this without the teeth gnashing and the political yelling. The founding fathers couldn’t have envisioned smokeless powder, let alone assault rifles, and there’s nothing well-regulated at all about untold numbers of lead-spitting tubes out there.

We will come to terms. Those of you who insist on keeping a handgun at home

AR15 and 870

AR15 and 870 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

will be able to, those of you who enjoy hunting will (as always) be able to continue hunting, and eventually the number — slowly mind you and not in our lifetimes — of weapons on the street will diminish.  Technology, we can hope, will play a role but I think it will be more a matter of our society shifting slowly in that direction. No one needs an AR-15 but, if they enjoy firing one as a hobby, surely there is no reason they cannot check them out at the local firing range before use — and of course check them back in when finished?

Maybe the people posting thing such as “like if you love Jesus, scroll past if you don’t,” have a point.  Perhaps these 1217 words would have been better spent with a simple photo and a catchy phrase, but fuck if I can tell what those words would be.

Finally, to anyone left of the well, left still reading this, we were on the cusp of some really, really big victories. Gay-marriage rights are on the table. Making Obamacare better is on the table. And we’ve pushed Boehner’s back so close the fiscal cliff he is asking us to hold his fucking hands for balance. With a disjointed GOP, let’s not spend the political capital we have right now on gun control. We might as well buy a shit-ton of lottery tickets.