Tag Archives: Helicopter

How to blast through $1,000 without ANY help from strippers


So here I sit, $1000 poorer than I was during a fateful February morning where I retardedly forgot that the quote by Hemmingway to “always do sober what you said you do drunk,” is the worst advice given since Mark Anthony told Julius Cesar he’d be fine going to the senate all by himself.

Okay no one stabbed me and to the best of my knowledge my wife isn’t contemplating starting a household civil war (best to be vigilant though!) I’m none-the-less still an idiot.

Sometime around 1991 or so a young captain in the U.S. Army talked me into pursuing a career as a helicopter pilot.   Besides that fact that I’m sure the Army has some pretty strict regulations about spilling beer in their helicopter and you can’t smoke while flying I know now I would have sucked at, or at least hated, being a pilot.   In my mind they were basically glorified bus drivers once I really thought about it.  I had a cool job as an Army journalist, one day I got to play with the infantry, the next with tankers, the next with artillery … you get the point.

The real point is that I didn’t have any interest at all in becoming a pilot.   Take off, fly around in little fart circles, land.  Yawn.   Literally I yawned typing that.

With that knowledge can any of you tell me why I thought buying that god damned toy helicopter that ‘claims’ to just cost $300 was a good idea?

Trouble started when I tried to mount a go-Pro camera on the damned thing and caused a crash of epic proportions breaking a gear and bending a shaft in the process.   Then some asshole on the internet added further insult to my injury by pointing out that I was an idiot for mounting anything on what is essentially a toy.

This is how I felt when internet bully told me I was retarded.   Also my internet Ar.Drone 2.0 forum name is Badgrl2, why are you judging?

This is how I felt when the internet bully told me I was retarded. Also my internet Ar.Drone 2.0 forum name is Badgrl2, why are you judging?

Fine mister internet forum smart guy … you were right, I was wrong.   Dick.

So off to the Ar.Parrot drone online “we’ knew you suckers would be back buying something sooner or later” store I went to buy a package of gears and shafts.

Next up the forward camera, after being introduced at high speed to a wall (or tree or bush or lord knows what) decided to break off.   Back to the on-line store for a new body structure because the only way to fix a broken forward facing camera is a new ‘body structure’ and you’re basically $80 poorer for the knowledge.

Some point before the new body structure arrived (but the retarded money pit was still flyable, just no damned camera) one of the four motors sent an encoded message back to ar.drone.com headquarters that said, “watch me fuck with this drunk idiot, this is going to be a hoot.”   Basically one motor wasn’t playing nice with all the other motors.    This drove me insane because it didn’t seem to be a motor problem at all.  These facts coupled with the fact that I have the mechanical aptitude of a monkey that’s addicted to meth made figuring out that little gem out — super-fun time.

A pack of two motors later, either because I figured if it can happen once it will happen again so order two or because they came in two packs (I don’t remember which it was), I’m starting to add shit up in my head.   Helicopter, $300.  Rotors and pins, $20, new body structure $80, Motor 2-pack $160.  Jesus fuck this … hobby is the wrong word … ‘retarded decision’ is getting expensive.

Then because the U.S. postal service is basically conspiring to fuck me the main body and the motors arrived but revealed to me that a special screw driver was needed to install them.  Ha-ha, I thought, screw you helicopter I know a full blown race car driver who has like ‘MAD tools.’  I’ll just show the screw to Ray Coley, he’ll have the tool for the job cause ‘have no fear, Ray Coley is here.”

Fourteen-million tries later Ray gave up and took me to a shop near the place we have beer-30 at and 20 euro later I had the tool in hand.  Ray commented that I had been looking visibly depressed before finally finding the tool.

He was of course correct, I was thinking of suicide.  Not my own, hell no I love

I hoped that killing the helicopter with a shotgun would be like this, only better.   I’d also cry after but they would be tears of joy and release.

I hoped that killing the helicopter with a shotgun would be like this, only better. I’d also cry after but they would be tears of joy and release.

me too much.  I was thinking of the helicopter’s suicide and that if it ever flew again how beautiful it would be to shoot it with a shotgun.   Maybe that’s murder though, I don’t know, I’ll leave that decision to history.

With the proper tool in hand I set to work.   The weather was nice, the sun was out and I spent hours in the garage, carefully disassembling and then reassembling, with the new parts, the goddamn nightmare of a helicopter.

Finally with new body assembly attached and broken motor replaced I fired up the iPad and … what the fuck, no firmware.   Seems replacing a tiny motor, leaving the thing without any power for weeks and/or I should have never bought a remote control helicopter in the first place, fucks up the firmware.

Who knew?

Firmware reinstalled the helicopter lifted off and flew around room smartly with me at the controls expertly … okay it took off to about half a foot before immediately committing an apparently suicidal back flip without any input from me at all.

Every. Single. Time.

Up 6 inches followed by a suicidal flip over thingy.  The helicopter hates me, or itself.  Maybe both.

I should add to this, even though it won’t make any sense, I’m also a black marketer.    I’m as good a black marketer as I am a remote control helicopter pilot in that I’m pretty sure my black marketing, this particular mistake aside, cost me money rather than made me money.    It would be hysterical if one of you would notify the German government of my crime so that I can pay a hefty fine … a hefty fine seems appropriate.

What the hell is this drunken idiot talking about, I can hear you asking.  Some of you are hitting the unsubscribe button and the guy considering offering me a book deal is likely crying right now.   I’m not drunk, don’t unsubscribe and look dude I still think “fear and loathing, now with beer” is a perfectly acceptable book title.

In other words, let me explain.

Somehow when Alex, visiting with Maggie, in February talked me into ordering the Ar.Drone Parrot money synch 2.0 I not only ordered the helicopter but I also put another one in my shopping cart at Amazon without realizing it.*

Fast forward to May when Dagmar’s German friend asked us to order a ‘shit-ton’ of barbeque equipment for her husband/boyfriend/dude she lives with/whatever I, like the obedient husband I am dutifully set about ordering all of it on Amazon, cause fuck German Value Added Tax and BBQ is good!

So, looking behind me to make sure no German custom’s agents were watching (they weren’t but the cat was – never trust the cat) I hit check out never realizing that a second Ar.Drone helicopter was in the cart.

Thus during my doom and despair phase, after the firmware had been updated, but while the helicopter was still doing retarded back flips shortly after takeoff, a brand new – never been flown into a wall at high speed helicopter arrived.   Dagmar was very supportive.  While she said, “What the fucking, fuck!  A second helicopter?  Are you fucking insane.” I knew she meant, “Todd I’m so happy you’ve solved your helicopter problem.  A second purchase of $300 is small price to pay for your piece of mind, go my love – go fly.”

And I did, straight into a tree so high that I had to ask the landlord for help getting my toy helicopter out.

Like this, only with more … well shit wait I can’t add anything more to this.  It’s exactly like this.

Drinking leads to things like this, only with more … well shit wait I can’t add anything more to this. It’s exactly like this.

*   Drinking can not only leads to unplanned pregnancies, herpes and surprise appearances on Girls Gone Wild but it can also lead to unwanted helicopters, that’s a pro-tip kids, write  it down .

Beer on an empty stomach with Maggie and Alex


Spent three days with Maggie and Alex.  Maggie and Alex came to visit, obviously.   Drunken shenanigans followed.

I picked up Maggie at 1040 Thursday night at the airport. We arrive at our house at almost 2230.

No caption other than, hot works here. Thus, just hot. Until ...

2240 9 Feb 2012 until 1330 10 Feb 2012 Maggie and I: discuss fashion, giggle a lot, talk about work, cry and discuss fashion.  Maggie makes me gay.*

(Maggie’s description of what happened after she took her boots off at our house.)

Maggie: Do you mind if I take my boots off?

Todd: No problem, go ahead. Hey, did I say I really like those boots?

Maggie: Yeah, they’re cool but after having them on all day and all night through the airport. My feet hurt. (Boots come off)

Todd: Hey, what the hell is on your feet?

Maggie: Socks.

She is the reason we should be able to keep our shoes on at the airport.

Women. Look at the before photo. That’s a very cute, no a sexy look. Nice looking boots, hot skirt, black tights. You’d think that once the boots came off you’ve find seductive looking foot with red (or whatever) toenails … no this is the abortion she has on under those boots.

Friday

Three hundred dollars of sure to be AWESOME!!!

1331: Alex show’s up. I rediscover I’m a man when he shows me the coolest remote controlled helicopter ever, it only cost’s $300. I order it because I’ve had five beers on an empty stomach and I really like helicopters. I hesitate about getting a robot room sweeper … why I don’t know.

As people like Maggie, Alex, that woman that lives in this house with me and Gina know, when I’m sober I’m highly gullible to suggestions that if I do/get/buy something I’ll be cool. Gina once, in Iraq convinced me to buy a CD from a band that I had never heard of because she said it was cool.   I’m an idiot, I bought it. This is sober. Drunk, any hint at all is enough to send me over the edge. None of that matters though because now, sober I fully realize this thing will rock (video link).

Alex: There is an iPad app that will let you record the video that the helicopter takes…. Might come in handy….Just saying…

1335: I’m convinced, after the 10th beer on an empty stomach that I should call my office and propose my idea for a toy helicopter American Forces Network commercial shoot that involves our office staff meeting. Maggie talks me down from this, but encourages the purchase of 5 toy remote control helicopters for later use. Thankfully I’ve forgotten my Amazon password (the one that I had used 15 minutes ago) and/or lose interest quickly 

1445: Alex uses the term Mangina, which makes me laugh…

Alex: Reading the above…. I also use the term, “Man-Dang-Go” which I feel is funnier. Also, I like to say, “Laba-Daba-Doo” a lot when referring to female genitalia….

We go buy food. We wanted to get Donar Kebabs but the local restaurant is out of business so we go to a grocery story. We buy a crap ton of food (wine) and return home.

Food is eaten, it’s suggested I put on season one of Chappel show.   Maggie falls asleep and Alex and I laugh about the reparations skit because the phrase “tri-state area” when used in reference to a man’s ass, is funny.

Dagmar calls she’s working late and won’t get off of work until 1900. I wonder what she’ll walk in on (me wearing the Simpsonsunderwear she bought me and nothing else  if there is a god).
No man can fart more than Alex, Dagmar is no man though … she might be a contender.  Seriously though the amount of gas that man produced was at first humorous and then quickly became something I felt the scientific community should study.   I’m convinced he could have powered a small city, if only science could harness his gas.

Alex:  Dude… The gas can be traced back to having about 12 dunkle weisens over the past two days… And I think eating stir-fry cabbage at the DFC yesterday….

1815: everyone, including me, is into their own iIGNOREEVERYTHINGELSE device.

Alex: Todd begins speaking “Toddlese…” We are all perplexed as he’s only had two beers, (that we can verify)…

1955: With no context what so ever Alex yells out Poontang safari gone wrong … (edit my memory, because of the 143 beers I’d drank at this point is a bit off, he says this after leaving the Thai resturant mentioned later in this story, because the owner is German and married a Thai lady … his version is MUCH, MUCH funnier.)

2005:  Dagmar arrives home.   I am fully dressed and my Simpsons boxers are upstairs in the closet still.  There obviously is no god or he/she/it doesn’t find Simpson’s boxers as funny as I do.  Dagmar begins berating me, loudly in front of my friends, for choosing crappy beer, not good dark stuff like her and Alex like.   Then they proceed to kill (over the weekend I mean) the case of crappy beer I bought.

Alex: “Poop Talk with Dagmar” commences…

For reasons that baffle both Maggie and I, when Dagmar and Alex are ‘reunited’ they immediately start to discuss umm, well pooping.  I’m afraid to explore their desire to discuss this topic … afraid for my eternal soul afraid.  He also asks Dagmar to ‘pump his legs’ which somehow encourages more gas.    Open flames are banned from the living room for 24 hours.

Alex: Due to gaseousness… I wear paper underwear… Once time use only….

2030: We are informed by Maggie that we are going to get Thai food. I’m not hungry but realize I can drink beer there so why not.

2130: Maggie has finally herded us into the car, but not before I hand Alex a handful of plastic army men and dinosaurs with the instructions to “put these in your pocket” … he doesn’t argue or even ask why. He knows that I am an idiot. Beer has made me invincible to logic or maturity.

Drunk, I am immune to grown up logic

2140: I pull out my army guys and dinosaurs; no one is impressed but me. I stage fake army guy vs. dinosaur battles while quizzing people that don’t care if I should, ‘blog it?’

Dagmar foolishly thinks plastic army men are toys. They DO have feelings Dagmar. They're clearly fleeing in reaction to your mean gesture.

2145: Dagmar correctly refers to me as an idiot. I eat some chicken fried rice and drink beers.

2155: I go outside to have a cigarette and decide I’m going to steal one of the wooden, 3 feet tall oriental man statutes that decorate the windows of the restaurant.  I’m literally laughing out loud to myself in the frozen tundra that is Germany right now at how funny it will be when I get it home.  I think I have ‘blogish’ plans for it.  I can’t wait to tell Maggie.

2136: I tell Maggie about my plan.

2150: Maggie stops telling me I’m an idiot and that I am certainly NOT stealing a 3 feet tall oriental man statute, even though I thought for sure I was going to.

2151: We leave.  I don’t have a 3 feet tall oriental man statute.

Saturday morning I’m forced, with an epic hangover mind you, to venture out into the very cold outside for a death march through the vineyards.   When I’m elected king of everything any walking outside that doesn’t involve beer in 70 degree or higher temperatures will be banned.

* Truth of the matter is Maggie and Alex have been friends of ours since 2002, she and I just stayed up, catching up.