Tag Archives: Holidays suck

Winter’s here and I am not at all happy about it

Winter, in Germany at least, is here. Snow has blanketed (and since melted) much of the Baden-Wurttenberg area, kids are sledding down hills or making snowmen and there’s the smell of lit fireplaces in the air.

And that last part, the part about the smell of fireplaces just a’blazin, is the only good thing that I can say about this wretched time of year. Because fire = heat and I’m all about the heat.

I mean look at it, everything’s grey and you have to dress up like the Michelin man just to walk to the fucking mail box.

And some of you out there claim to actually like this time of year.

You’re sick individuals, you know that? Sick.

In fact it was just last week a coworker confessed to me that this was “his time of year.”

Yeah, well, your time of year sucks. Really it does. What other season requires I freeze my balls off shoveling frozen water flakes out of my driveway? You know what other time that is? It’s the season of never.

Woman outdoors in winter clothes / Femme dehor... I’m not even trying with the photos anymore, this was tagged winter clothes, ladies. Or something.(Photo credit: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives)

“But I have all these cute winter clothes I can wear,” chicks say a lot. Hey ladies, do you know what kind of outfit we gents find “cute?” It’s the kind where you have next to nothing or nothing on.

You wrapped up in 18 layers just means more work for us if, for some weird reason, we have any desire to get naked when the temperature outside drops lower than Snookies IQ.

Let’s just agree you’re a lot “cuter” in a bikini than snowshoes, and move on OK?

“Oh, but Christmas, Christmas is coming. Gosh I love Christmas,” you say?

“Fuck Christmas, it’s too damn cold out,” I say.

You know what would make Christmas rock? Moving it into June. Seriously, I’m all about getting together with friends and having a great meal and heck I’ll even bring a gift or two, but I’d be a lot more enthusiastic about it if I could do it while wearing shorts and flip-flops.

I know, I know, it’s just a winter festival. That’s basically all Christmas is, a winter festival. Ancient cultures thought, “Holy crap it’s really cold, really dark and the foods about to run out … let’s throw a party!” And that does make sense. The days, which have been getting shorter and shorter are about to get longer again (thankfully) and I for one do at least appreciate that fact.

Did you know that incidents of suicide and spouse/child abuse quadruple in the months of December, January and February?

No, you didn’t?

Well, you’re an idiot then and I’m cranky because it’s fucking snowing. Also I made that quadrupled fact up. For all I know it’s the opposite, but if it’s not true, it should be.

Hang on a moment, I have to go smack my wife because … cold.

Soldier Hollow Snow Bunny She’s likely cute, but would be cuter in a bikini. (Photo credit: a4gpa)

And let’s talk about you skiers and you snowboarders.

All of you should be shot at dawn.

At what fucking point in your lives did strapping shit to your feet and racing down a mountain at bone-breaking speeds in the freezing cold sound like fun?

You fuckers are the worst.

Seriously what are you people thinking? You know what activity is actually fun with things strapped to your feet? Water-skiing, that’s what. At least with water-skiing there’s a slight chance bikini tops will come off when chicks wipe out. What’s the chance of that on snow? Zero point zero percent.

“But, but, but you can drink on the way down the slopes in Europe,” I can hear

Snow flake

Holy crap why are you on a bike? You know we now have cars, with heaters and crap! (Photo credit: xJason.Rogersx)

some of you saying. Like you’ll convince me skiing is cool with that crap. Oh can you? Who cares? It’s cold, you’re likely wet and you’re not even back down the goddamn mountain yet. This is NO time for drinking and trust me I feel that most times are the time for drinking.

Unlike the other ‘facts’ I’ve presented, I can also offer proof that winter sucks.

Men, do you like your penis to be big or small?

Let’s do a poll.

I predict big wins. Also, like all other polls here, you can vote as many times as you like. Consider it a feature of how strongly you feel about the topic.

Fact: Cold causes shrinkage.

Cracked.com agrees with me by the way and there is no better bastion of scientific fact than cracked.com. Sunlight increases testosterone, according to 1939 science, and if we can’t trust (we can’t) 1939 science then …

Look I just want it to be sunny again.

Anyway, screw you winter. You suck. Jan and Feb are going to suck no doubt but we’re half-way through. You bastard.

A Thanksgiving update … ‘cause I was too drunk, I mean full of turkey, to do it two days ago

I’m pretty sure there was something about Thanksgiving I was supposed to write about here.    Whatever it was it sure as shit seemed like it was funny at the time.   In fact the boss, not even my immediate supervisor but the B (with a capital B even) oss even said, you should put this in your blog.

To which I countered, “give me a laptop and I will right now,” because beer makes me enthusiastic about bad ideas.

I’m glad it didn’t happen.  Look after 40 beers things like, “Of course the USSR’s geo-political influence in the oil embargo of the 1970s cannot be ignored but that line of thinking only serves to minimize, I like boobies” comes out of my mouth and no one deserves that.

Also what the fuck is the Boss doing reading this crap?    Anyone else asking themselves that question?  Shouldn’t she be reading some sort of public affairs foreign policy think tank wonky shit?

I fear that during the next staff meeting she’ll utter something like, “And I want to really leverage our social media efforts on this, get with Jason and talk to him about his initiatives in that area, tell him you have my full support.   Also boobies.”

Anyway whatever the joke was … it was, trust me, funny.      I mean not as funny as getting whipped in my boxers wearing a cowboy leather jacket in front of a friend – that’s kind of a high-bar, you know?

But still it WAS funny.

If I told you right now, you’d totally be laughing.   So even though you’re not laughing right now rest easy in the knowledge that had I remembered you’d totally be laughing your tits/balls off at this very moment.

And really, isn’t it the thought that counts?

I mean I, having forgot what was so funny that night, still thought enough of you

and now for something...turkey

and now for something…turkey (Photo credit: atomicity)

to do this update. Without the fucking joke mind you, I wrote this all in an effort to make sure you knew that if I had remembered I’d have shared it here, for your enjoyment, because I love you fuckers just that much.

Tis the season and all.

I also want to point out that I have just wasted almost an entire Microsoft word document page writing a big joke about the joke I forgot.   I mean that’s also got to count for something.   Three hundred and forty- four words to explain “I forgot the joke” … I even amaze me.

Anyway it was a good fuck thanksgiving.  I know I personally led the competition on broken beer bottles (Todd 3, everyone else 0), making an ass of yourself and inappropriate remarks for $200.   So that’s good stuff.

I was reading, on some internet message board today, stories about extended families annoying each other during Thanksgiving and being overseas I sometimes wish I could annoy the hell out of some family but, it’s not to be.    More so than other holidays, namely because it is such an American holiday, American’s living overseas I think tend to congregate into clusters for Thanksgiving.

And cluster we did.

Before we had Thanksgiving dinner a baby puked on me, which is only noteworthy to people that don’t have babies, like me.  Take that, other non-baby having people!   In. Your. Face!

The family that hosted us does that ‘everyone holds hands for grace’ thing.   My family was more the join your hands together to pray kind of deal.

“No one touch anyone else damn it, we’re about to pray” was a very common phrase during our families’ Thanksgiving celebration.

Both, in my retarded opinion, are pointless but why should we make a giant circle?  Does God like that more?  If so why?   God’s weird I tell you, weird.  It’s as if Gods thinking, “Well I’d totally bless your family and keep those guys in harm’s way safe but you’re all not holding hands in a giant circle so, fuck that.”

Maybe it’s a thing where if you have more than one person doing it, it’s got more power?   That’s the issue with prayer, there’s no way to measure how effective it was.    We had like 20 people holding hands in a circle prayer.   What if the cut off is 21 people?  As in 20 people has just enough ‘pray-power’ to ALMOST get to God but not quite.   With 21 you’re a solid in.

It’s thoughts like these that got me removed from most Sunday Schools when I was little …

We had a no crap, honest to god, German at our thanksgiving.   She’s dating one of the younger guys I work with (I think they’re TOTALLY having sex – don’t tell anyone) and came to Thanksgiving.  Turns out she lived in New York for years so this story is kind of pointless.


What the fuck WordPress?  This photo is tagged as joke, why?  You know here I am trying to do this fucking retarded update, looking for a photo and you fuckers show me a semi-hot chick.   So I get distracted because, she’s semi hot and barefoot.   Why the fuck is this labeled joke?  You people suck.  Also happy Thanksgiving assholes in the photo-tagging department, I hate all of you.(Photo credit: PitsLamp photography) 

Anyway happy belated Thanksgiving all, this would have been a rockin’ Thanksgiving update if I had just remembered the joke.