Tag Archives: hookers

Guest Blogger G-Gank: From the Dysfunctional Mind of G-Gank.

So yeah, I’m phoning it in this week.  

First a blog about someone that thought consuming nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper sauce and maple syrup for 10 days was a great weight loss plan (no update after day one so  I presume he’s dead) we have G-Gank, a frequent commenter here, with the following.   

— Had a few beers.  (P.S. G-Gank this is really hysterical, I hope you do more here)

So I’m blogging….  WTF is wrong with this picture?  I’ve only read a few blogs in my life and they were all pretty cool but it’s not like I give a rats ass what anyone has to say because let’s face it 70% of our society is just really fucked up.
In the past 48 hours I have been bombarded with crazy-ass statistics that make me want to choke a random person on the street because it would probably make their life a hell of a lot better.  The other night I was shocked to hear that 5% of the population are hoarders, then my boss told me this morning that 2% are sociopaths.  Randomly, another friend informed me that Pedophiles make up 3% of the population (I have no idea how this came up but people always offer me random shit because they know I will enjoy it…. because they think I’m strange.)  So in just 48 hours I discovered 10% of the freaking world is really fucked in the head.  So it’s safe to assume that 70% is a realistic number.
I find this fucking hysterical because people always think I’m strange!!!!! … fuck them.  I’m one of those “what-you-see” is “what-you-get people” and a lot of people just can’t deal with that.  I hide nothing and that is shocking to many people.  I’m sure the consensus is that I’m a bit strange and maybe too straight forward.   I make it quite clear that I masturbate and I enjoy it.  I have 6 cats and 3 dogs and spend thousands of dollars every year on them.  I rather spend a week in the woods with my dogs than 15 minutes talking to any “normal” person.  I guess that does make me strange, eh?

Parked next to a hoarder.

Like this only more house than car. (Photo credit: Aric McKeown)

My former co-worker Frank was considered normal; in fact he was admired…. Great all-around guy, father, husband, who devoted much of his time to the Boy Scouts of America….. That is until the FBI came to our Federal Office at the EPA and arrested him for soliciting young boys on his Government Computer. Apparently the fucking guy loved to smell boy’s underwear.  But remember….  I’m the strange one because I talk about wacking off.
Then there is my buddy Carl, 35 years as a federal employee, awesome dude….  was at Woodstock!  (Pretty sure he still smoked weed).  Well his wife almost died in their house because the fucking paramedics could not get the stretcher into the bedroom because he had turned his house into a fucking landfill.  There was shit everywhere. How does one live this double life and hide the fact that you need to keep the April 21st classifieds from 1972?  Dude clean that shit up. But remember….  I’m the strange one because I talk about getting blow jobs from hookers in Thailand.

And I'm the one that's weird

Having sex with 6-year-olds = bad. A PSA from hadafewbeers.com

Then there was the good old Petty Officer 1st Class Hitchcock loved by everyone and just an awesome Sailor (see attached Photo).  He was just about to retire from the United States Navy and buy that fishing boat of his dreams…. that is until the NCIS and the Jacksonville Police came and snatched him up for raping his next door neighbors little girl. Poooooooor  Hitchcock exclaimed the command, as I yelled kill that fucking freak!  I was crucified for pre-judging this guy prior to the judge giving him a life sentence.  Yeah I’m just so inconsiderate… because I wanted to put a bullet in that rapists skull. 
Yeah I’m not invited to cocktail parties….. hell most of my friends don’t want me around their families because they know what I am capable of saying or doing.  I say go fuck yourselves…  I’ll stay at home with my pets, maybe watch some porn…  and you just invite that quite, well groomed co-worker to your house to meet your wife and children….  after all he’s quite normal and harmless?  Or maybe you could invite that Minnesota State Representative Kerry Gauthier after all he a great American Patriot…. Oh wait is that the same elected official who was just caught at a rest stop getting a blow job from a 17-year-old boy? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/21/kerry-gauthier-minnesota-lawmaker_n_1819601.html

Hookers vs. important stuff … yeah I’ll take the hookers too.

Quiz time!

Put your books, phones, computers and iPads away … wait keep those last three so you can read this.

Look I only have an hour before the Preside … I mean the boss shows up.

Look I only have an hour before the Preside … I mean the boss shows up.

What was going to be one of topics of discussion in Columbia before every Secret Service agent in Columbia was fired for failing to pay the going rate for a ‘Dirty Sanchez” with foreign hookers?

Was it:

A:  How much is too much for a quality Columbian hooker?  

B:  Homeless puppies in Central and South America how do we solve the crisis?

C:  A plea from Central and South American nations asking the United States to reevaluate its drug policy?

If you answered ‘A’ I want to party with you.  If you answered ‘C’, you’re like me and god help you.

I knew about the conference before the scandal broke.   I mean I read about the agenda and thought okay this will be good.   I knew about it not because I’m a drug junkie hoping U.S. drug policies are relaxed but because I’m a news junkie.  

And like most junkies my addiction pisses me off.  The media itself, when I boil it down, doesn’t piss me off.  ‘We’ piss me off.

The media isn‘t left, right or center.   They’re not.  They’re a business.  They’re there to make money.  The stories they cover and the ways they are covered are designed to attract readers, viewers or on the net, clickers.

They’ve also figure out that they have to cater to our idiocy, our base instincts and our lack of a desire to hear about anything more interesting than; shark kills swimmer, pretty white kid is missing and of course SEX!   

This is why the news is “filled” with stories about Secret Service agents banging hot Columbian prostitutes and not, wait for it, WHAT THE FUCK the conference was about in the first place.

Which story, at the end of the day, is more important?   Does the fact that some the secret service agents banged hookers really matter more than what our president discussed with the leaders of counties south of us? 

If you picked the first one I hate you and will soon fly to your house to personally punch you.

That’s why I love news but hate everyone, including myself.  

Before this story broke it was INTERESTING!  Okay it wasn’t exactly interesting, but it was relevant.  I mean it mattered.

I have a little problem with news apps!   Also with bothering to read emails or listening to voice mails.

I have a little problem with news apps! Also with bothering to read emails or listening to voice mails.

  For all I know Venezuela gave Obama a “we’re sorry we’ve been dicks” Hallmark card, Raoul Castro offered to have open and free elections and Mexico announced it just discovered a shit-ton of oil and that whole illegal immigration problem the GOP keeps bitching about would soon be over. 

Okay the last one is actually bad news for all involved but still it’s better information than a pissed off ‘woman of the night’ losing her shit in the hallway when some jackass refuses to pay her the agreed upon price.  Also honey, get the money first.   I thought that was in the hooker rule book.

The fact that men, with strong ‘type a personalities’, on business trips, fuck chicks that aren’t their wives is hardly news.   The fact that the people that travel a lot, with the president mind you, whore around barely registers on my radar as news.  It shouldn’t happen, and we should vet them better I agree, but it’s a sidebar news story at best. 

What did the leaders of all these nations just south of us discuss?  That’s the story.

You know the things that might have an impact on our lives.

It’s the pretty white girl missing/shark just attacked a person story … really it is. 

And those suck.  They always suck.  They have the nutrional value (news wise) of a twinkie. 

They also taste like twinkies, they are twinkie news items.   They taste good, they are always fresh but they are really, really fucking useless.

Natalie Halloways = “News Twinkie”.

Natalie Halloway didn’t matter.  You know it, I know it and that drunken bum on the corner knows it.  For that matter that homeless guy with the “great pipes” didn’t fucking matter but at least he was treated as feature material and not news. 

At the end of the day, when either Natalie Halloway’s disappearance or the Secret Service’s hooker breakdownapoloza , rode the high tide of the news wave, we missed out on important news. 

I wake up at 6 a.m. and watch, in this order, Fox news followed by CBS and NBC news.   Know what? They are exactly the same.  

They are exactly the same because you, me and the people next to us suck.  We love pointless news.   What was the big story before the attacks of 9-11?  Yeah, it was shark attacks off the coast of Florida, which are, if you read a bit, the most non-news event in the world. 

Seriously only about 20 people die a year from shark attacks.  You’re more likely to be fired as a U.S. federal employee than killed by a shark.   Maybe that’s why it’s on the news, rarity.

Does it matter really to the greater good if a pretty 18-year-old white blonde girl is missing? Not at all.   Does it matter?  Should it be reported?  Is it important?  Yes of course but does it deserve top story coverage on every news network for weeks, months and (Madeleine McCann) years later? 

Hell no!

And it’s always, fuck you I’m right here, ALWAYS pretty white girls.    Okay maybe occasionally it a white child or a very attractive non-white person but if the media is so damned liberal why are they so racist and/or misogynist when it comes to missing persons.

Also I’m getting older and REALLY bitchy.  

Here’s fun.   Open Google, select the news category and type in missing white girl.   Scroll down, drink in the results.  Now type in, “missing African American girl”.  Scroll down and realize that fuck the media doesn’t give two-shits about the left or right but only about what will get you to stick around so that the ad next to the story they did about that says “white teeth in just 7 days!” will get them the ad revenue they crave.

Charles Taylor’s conviction will make NBC, CBS, ABC and FOX’s news cycle tomorrow morning when I wake up.  It might even be the top story.   But by Monday it’ll be forgotten and I’ll still get to hear all about which Secret Service Agent resigned and which prostitute just signed a reality show contract for American TV. 

I’ll watch it or I’ll read it and it will be all my (and your) fault.