Happy beerday blog, you’re one year old today.
Today this craptastic collection of bad jokes, thinly-veiled, breast-fetish material and homage to alcoholism that I call “Had a Few Beers” is 1 year old.
Actually, I’m not really sure what day I started this and am really too lazy to look it up. It was January though, I remember that much. I was drinking beers in my garage when I thought, “You know what I should do with all these awesome thoughts I have, I should write them down so that the world can see how great they are.”
I should mention I was looking at a friend’s BMW parked in my garage for

Yes, early on at HadaFewBeers.com we staged, and by we I mean I, epic dinosaurs verses army men battles on a friends new BMW hood. Why mandatory drug testing was not insisted upon at my work, I’ll never know.
the winter and thinking about the merits of tea-bagging various parts of it at the time. So there’s that, if it adds context.
But here we are 89 posts later, and I know that exact number because the dorks at WordPress insist on telling me “OH MY GOD! YOU JUST LOADED ANOTHER UPDATE” every time I, ya know, load a fucking update. I mean the last thing I want when I push “publish” is a giant pop up screen tell me about it. I have typos to fix and links to shorten. The nerds who run this place need to actually DO a blog here.
Anyway, 89 painfully obvious updates and a year later, here we are. Hitting 50,000 views in the very near future (all of them looking for information about sauna boners it would seem if the search terms are to be trusted) and I’m ready to do some more — damage.
A quick rundown of the year would go this way.
Sgt. 1st Class Taylor’s updates were the most popular per day view with 1,276 views in a 24-hour period.
The first post to reach 100 views in a day was this one and I didn’t even write it (bitch!).
She was also my first ‘guest blogger’ … the first of four (and here they are).
The most popular search term with 1,425 hits is (do not follow this link, it’s a porn site and I honestly don’t know how or why it’s associated with HAFBs, if anyone can explain it I will pay money) Beeg.com.
The second is most popular search term is, drum roll, “nude sauna.”
The nude sauna seriously has by far been the most popular over time. A lot of people in ‘Merica are looking for nude sauna blogs, or they just want porn about saunas, I don’t know.
Look people it’s really, really hot in those things. I know people in Europe are

See no one is slipping anyone a Mr. Happy …
naked and there are mixed genders in there but it’s really, really hot in there. I promise no one is scrogging in a real sauna. Just blinking is tiresome in there, for the love of god.
The first ‘500’ views (in a day) was Things you don’t know about the military until you get out of the military.
We’ve had some great cleavage shots because a chick I know rocks at sending spur of the moment cleavage shots. (*mental note, do a cleavage montage update later).
Our favorite blogger has to be Oh God, My Wife Is German and he gave us our first “shout out” when this first started. He also gave us another shout out after winning an expatriate blogger award. He also rocks, so go read his stuff. He breaks electric razors for his blog. All I’ve ever destroyed here is my reputation — you know stupid stuff.
We have a facebook like page with over 1,000 likes (and growing) that you can reach (and like) here or over on the left if you don’t like my link.
Anyway, it’s all right here in this handy-dandy end-of-year report by the good folks at WordPress.com. Good job, nerds. You can see Marni Sandberg out performed Mmmmmags as the top commenter. Though neither broke the 20 comments. Way to underachieve, ladies.
An old Army friend, Fran, came out of the wordwork and offered to edit this damn thing, something that (as you know) was desperately needed, and another friend has started trying to market it because I tweet like old people______ and ______.
Those two ______ up above are intentional. I didn’t just start a joke and then not finish it and post it like that. I mean, I would, but I didn’t this time. I did it because I want you — the person looking for sauna-boner information — to finish that joke. Finish it and leave it in the comments. If funny enough I’ll laugh, a lot.
This leads me to the way ahead with this thing. See I’m like a ship’s captain navigating the wordy seas. Arrgh maties! Thar be a heavin’ set o’ bossoms off the port side o’ the poop deck! (Suck on that last sentence, Fran!)
I’d like to expand this thing. I’d like to get more people involved, more writers mainly. A lot of you are funny, funny, funny and if you want to try your hand at writing something let us know. Leave a comment or send an email if you’re interested.
Because, more and more, this blog is becoming more of an “us” than an “me.”
I’m also a lazy shit, I don’t want to have to do all the work.
Seriously, in what is likely the worst casting call of all time if I’m calling on you for your “lolz!”
If you can type a sentence that doesn’t make Fran want to commit suicide,( and she’s strong in that regard. I’ve really tested her on this) and if you can make a joke that’s funny and want to give it a go, reach out. I can promise you, really promise you, that if you just want to try writing without having your name associated with it, we’re your blog. If we like it we’ll push it and your name will never be released. Most of the ‘mystery’ bloggers here are easily enough figured out because they know me personally, but I’d never give out a name without permission.
Finally, and this might be years, rather than a year down the road, I realize that

Finally a boobie free blog … not this blog though, no way. HAFBs will always have boobies.
some people reading this who are otherwise very funny writers might not want their name associated with HAFB.com because of well, boobies, beer and the frequency in which I say fuck.
But I do have an idea, a totally new idea, that might be more appropriate. Something without boobs, without beer and without my politics… stay tuned.
Finally (really finally this time) thanks to Dagmar for putting up with me and reading this crap. Thanks to Fran for coming on board and editing (still hoping she writes something – she’s very talented), thanks to mystery social-media guy who honestly puts up with way too much of my shit, thanks to the mystery guest bloggers and thanks to you, whoever you are, reading this. I get a lot of joy out of doing it, but it would be very, very pointless without you.
Thank you.
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Harlots, bosoms and Tucker Max …
I can’t give this blog the love it deserves at the moment because, work. I’m on another business trip and sadly this one isn’t filled with strippers and angry Dagmar phone calls about said strippers.
Seriously I’m working crazy hours until Halloween so I’m not sure what I’ll be able to put up here. Either it will be incoherent, half-sleep deprived, half-drunk rants like this one or you’ll just have to come up with your own boob and beer jokes.
Here is a free, non boob and beer joke though.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
Okay I’m sorry I really shouldn’t do this when I’m tired. That was just sad.
I do have two odd things and here they are.
The first, the one I hope to write about soon involves about ten bat-shit crazy comments I received here last night/this morning. All by the same dude, different names but all the same dude. I deleted them all because if anyone’s going to use the words harlot, bosom and sin on this blog it will be fucking me. They were retarded but they COULD be funny because harlot, bosom and sin are hysterical words, if used right.
Trust me it will be funny, they’re deleted but saved. All you harlots have been warned. I suggest you wrap your bosoms up into brassieres and just fucking wait damn it.
The second, less funny but interesting thing, I want to talk about is Tucker Max.
Tucker Max (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Yeah, yeah get it out of your system now, 42 year old Todd finds Tucker Max interesting what a tard.
Fuck you, this is why.
Tucker, while funny and juvenile and <insert adjective here> is still Tucker there are, and I’m sure lot of fans know this, the moments where he’s really in the zone. You can see a lot of his influences and you can really appreciate what a great fucking writer that dude is.
This is what I just read,
“The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it’s a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn’t help us, it helps them.”
By the ticket take the ride …English: Hunter S. Thompson, Miami Book Fair International, 1988 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
If you’re a Hunter S. Thompson fan and don’t see a lot of HST in that, try harder. I’m starting to discover I love rereading Tucker Max, just as I love rereading HST. Each time you reread it, you find something new. His stories are funny at first glance but, maybe more so in the later books, they have brilliant bits. I think I read that he was influenced by HST, and that fits, but …
But …
But …
But I need to go to bed, early mornings and all.
Also boobies.
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Tagged beer, Boobs, bosom, brassieres, comments, drunk, harlot, Humor, Hunter S. Thompson, Recreation, Tucker, Tucker Max