Tag Archives: I hate winter

F’ you skiers, F’ you snowboarders and mostly F’ you February …

Too much snow to continue

Too much snow to continue. Earth to retards, any snow is too much snow to continue. Too much snow … (Photo credit: will_cyclist)

If February was a person and I had the chance to kill him I’d do it. I wouldn’t draw it out either. It would be a quick and painful death. Mostly quick though — not because I give a shit about February, but because I hate this month so much I just want it dead.

February is a bullshit month and we should all just stop recognizing it. You fuckers with your skies and your snowboards are all insane. When I’m king you will all be exiled to the tops of mountains where you can bother us sun lovers no more. I’ll build one of those ski lift things, but it will only go up. I’ll make sure you have adequate sustenance, but you’re verboten from ever coming down because cold stuff sucks. And therefore, you do too.

Really, you people who get excited about frozen water falling from the sky so you can strap planks to your feet and barrel at breakneck speed down mountains are beyond my (admittedly dysfunctional) comprehension. You’re all freaks.

There. I feel better.

See, it’s the end of February and I am ready to put another fucked-up winter behind me. February is the worst month too because it’s so close to spring, yet so willing to fuck you over with freak snowstorms and cold temperatures.

Two more days February and you can kiss my ass goodbye for another year.

As a way to break up the cold winter, my wife and I begin planning a warm vacation for May or June. Huddled in the living room cursing the vile snowfall outside, we ponder the pros and cons of vacation spots like Italy, Spain, Greece, the Canaries, or Croatia.

First-world problems, I know. Fuck you.

But it gives the mind something to relax upon as the snow accumulates on the car and I endure another chilly morning commute.

 Like this, only with fewer tree stumps.  (Photo credit: got sound)

“Cheer up dude, in just three short months you’ll be roasting your buns on a beach somewhere on Malta,” I tell myself.

Vacation planning gives me a glimmer of hope on this shitty frozen tundra (I considered saying TURDdra here, but thought it too high-brow) overrun with psychopaths spouting about fresh-powder and black runs. Again, you are all sick, sick individuals.

But, no vacation planning this year. Nope.  Even though we’ve had the vacation time scheduled for months, “Anal Alice, ” aka my wife, can’t decide on where she wants to go.

Is Portugal nice? How about Spain? We loved the Canaries, why not go back there?

“Shit-or-get-off-the-pot” doesn’t even begin to describe my thoughts. I even offered up Hvar, Croatia because, A: None of you have ever heard of it and B: You can totally rent a boat for the day there and that’s level cool 0ne million.

Indulge me for a moment as I take you through our trip to Hvar — We check into our small hotel room, I talk to the clerk to determine how to rent the boat, and then I rent the fucker. The following day, after a good night’s sleep, a European breakfast and a quick shopping trip for beer, we’re launching our little boat into the Adriatic Sea. Drifting about in the ADRIATIC SEA (Take that classmates at Desert Sands Junior High in Phoenix, Ariz., where the evil Tanya tortured me daily) we’ll discover a secluded  beach where we will frolic naked as the sun bakes our glistening (albeit middle-aged) bodies and we pound beer, after beer, after glorious life-affirming beer.

All I want is the firm knowledge that, “Yes, we are going someplace where its warm, there’s a body of water and, again, it’s warm.”

We’ve been in Deutschland more than 10 years.  I no longer care to visit “Castle Crappenstein” (Would you believe Todd misspelled Crappenstein – “Crapenstien”? Well, he did ~ Editor) built by Baron Krause Von Balllicker. Seen it, took the crappy tour filled with Japanese tourist. It was all cold and drafty.

This always beats snow.  It just does.  You know it, I know it, they know it.

This always beats snow. It just does. You know it, I know it, they know it. (Source: Wiki)

How about a visit, Todd, to the giant cathedral built entirely out of foreskins by Monsignor Luigi “Come Here Little Boy” Russo in 15-who-gives-a-fuck-0-6? Couldn’t give two shits about it in the winter, and when a beach is nearby and the temperature is over 90 degrees outside, well then, I couldn’t be bothered to give even one shit. Been there, done that. Where’s the beach?

Seriously, there’s lots of “behind the scenes” research that goes into these trips. Plotting the route to the nearest beach is only the tip of the iceberg … wait fuck icebergs … tip of the sand dune.

Where’s the nearest bar? What times does it open? What’s the national beer? Does it suck? How long will I likely have to wait each morning for my first cup of coffee/beer? Where’s the nearest nude beach? Does it have a bar/store, (I’ll let you write your own, “Where do you keep your wallet at a nude beach” joke here. Go ahead, I’ll wait…. Did you write one? Was it funny? I hope you enjoyed it.) and how close to the hotel is that beach?

But even without the specifics of where the hell we’re going, I at least know it’s going to be warm, warm and wonderfully warm. Hot even. Unlike this godforsaken month where the sun rises whenever the fuck it want and sets in time for an afternoon nap.

And yes, that’s it. This is the shittiest ending since Mister Shitty ended his shit with some shit. Yeah, I did that shit. You might be asking yourself, “Did he just start talking about why he hates winter, segue in some bizarre rant about how his wife can’t pick out a vacation spot and then very lazily go back to hating winter in what might be the worst tie-back ever?” Yeah I did, “Fuck you very much.”

Also, when the fuck is it going to get warmer, goddamnit?

Winter’s here and I am not at all happy about it

Winter, in Germany at least, is here. Snow has blanketed (and since melted) much of the Baden-Wurttenberg area, kids are sledding down hills or making snowmen and there’s the smell of lit fireplaces in the air.

And that last part, the part about the smell of fireplaces just a’blazin, is the only good thing that I can say about this wretched time of year. Because fire = heat and I’m all about the heat.

I mean look at it, everything’s grey and you have to dress up like the Michelin man just to walk to the fucking mail box.

And some of you out there claim to actually like this time of year.

You’re sick individuals, you know that? Sick.

In fact it was just last week a coworker confessed to me that this was “his time of year.”

Yeah, well, your time of year sucks. Really it does. What other season requires I freeze my balls off shoveling frozen water flakes out of my driveway? You know what other time that is? It’s the season of never.

Woman outdoors in winter clothes / Femme dehor... I’m not even trying with the photos anymore, this was tagged winter clothes, ladies. Or something.(Photo credit: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives)

“But I have all these cute winter clothes I can wear,” chicks say a lot. Hey ladies, do you know what kind of outfit we gents find “cute?” It’s the kind where you have next to nothing or nothing on.

You wrapped up in 18 layers just means more work for us if, for some weird reason, we have any desire to get naked when the temperature outside drops lower than Snookies IQ.

Let’s just agree you’re a lot “cuter” in a bikini than snowshoes, and move on OK?

“Oh, but Christmas, Christmas is coming. Gosh I love Christmas,” you say?

“Fuck Christmas, it’s too damn cold out,” I say.

You know what would make Christmas rock? Moving it into June. Seriously, I’m all about getting together with friends and having a great meal and heck I’ll even bring a gift or two, but I’d be a lot more enthusiastic about it if I could do it while wearing shorts and flip-flops.

I know, I know, it’s just a winter festival. That’s basically all Christmas is, a winter festival. Ancient cultures thought, “Holy crap it’s really cold, really dark and the foods about to run out … let’s throw a party!” And that does make sense. The days, which have been getting shorter and shorter are about to get longer again (thankfully) and I for one do at least appreciate that fact.

Did you know that incidents of suicide and spouse/child abuse quadruple in the months of December, January and February?

No, you didn’t?

Well, you’re an idiot then and I’m cranky because it’s fucking snowing. Also I made that quadrupled fact up. For all I know it’s the opposite, but if it’s not true, it should be.

Hang on a moment, I have to go smack my wife because … cold.

Soldier Hollow Snow Bunny She’s likely cute, but would be cuter in a bikini. (Photo credit: a4gpa)

And let’s talk about you skiers and you snowboarders.

All of you should be shot at dawn.

At what fucking point in your lives did strapping shit to your feet and racing down a mountain at bone-breaking speeds in the freezing cold sound like fun?

You fuckers are the worst.

Seriously what are you people thinking? You know what activity is actually fun with things strapped to your feet? Water-skiing, that’s what. At least with water-skiing there’s a slight chance bikini tops will come off when chicks wipe out. What’s the chance of that on snow? Zero point zero percent.

“But, but, but you can drink on the way down the slopes in Europe,” I can hear

Snow flake

Holy crap why are you on a bike? You know we now have cars, with heaters and crap! (Photo credit: xJason.Rogersx)

some of you saying. Like you’ll convince me skiing is cool with that crap. Oh can you? Who cares? It’s cold, you’re likely wet and you’re not even back down the goddamn mountain yet. This is NO time for drinking and trust me I feel that most times are the time for drinking.

Unlike the other ‘facts’ I’ve presented, I can also offer proof that winter sucks.

Men, do you like your penis to be big or small?

Let’s do a poll.

I predict big wins. Also, like all other polls here, you can vote as many times as you like. Consider it a feature of how strongly you feel about the topic.

Fact: Cold causes shrinkage.

Cracked.com agrees with me by the way and there is no better bastion of scientific fact than cracked.com. Sunlight increases testosterone, according to 1939 science, and if we can’t trust (we can’t) 1939 science then …

Look I just want it to be sunny again.

Anyway, screw you winter. You suck. Jan and Feb are going to suck no doubt but we’re half-way through. You bastard.