Tag Archives: I love summer

Summer is here and you winter people can suck my sunshine …

Summer is here and I want to thank some people. Mainly, the ladies. You girls are 98 percent of the reason summer rocks in the first place.

Take the most beautiful woman in the word and dress her up for a ski trip. She’s got nothing on the allure of a woman in a summer dress.

Cover of "Summer Lovers (Full Screen Edit...

Mmm summer. (Full Screen Edition)

Sorry, it’s like a scientifically proven fact or something — a woman dressed for warm weather is always sexier than a woman dressed for cold weather.

Basically, without ladies summer is just sweaty man balls and body odor. To deny this simple fact is to say that water is not wet, birds don’t fly and this blog is funny.

If you don’t believe me please choke on a giant box of cold weather.

Another reason summer rocks is Germany!  Have you been to a park in Germany when it’s nice out? If not, you’re missing out. Germans are cooped up in a frozen box of international rain, hail, snow and sleet for like 90 percent of the year.

When the sun does finally come out, baby, the clothes come off.

Germans will strip down to skin the moment the mercury says its hot — and you really, really have to appreciate that.

Say what you want to about the unattractive men, hot chicks lay out naked in the park! What is not to like?

There aren’t even any downsides of summer.

“Oh it’s too hot,” you say? Well “fuck you,” that’s what I say. Summer is better and that’s a fact. I can even back that up with anecdotal evidence because nothing says “fact” like anecdotal evidence.

People who like winter must admit there are parts of it they don’t like,  such as shoveling snow, scraping ice off the car windows, driving on icy roads, Rudolf poop on their roof, or finding dead Santas in the chimney. It is inevitable that window lovers find something about winter they don’t like.

Not us summer lovers though! Nope. We love every last sticky bit of it. We even embrace that with summer comes the potential to die in the desert of thirst or sport a look reminiscent of crispy bacon.

You know why? Because its better than dying of hypothermia. Give me dying of heat stroke over that shit any day.

When I was in Iraq, my boss and I had a joke that only we found amusing. He is from Texas and I hail from Arizona. If anyone knows hot weather, we know hot weather. Thus, when the temperature would reach (literally) 130 degrees, while we were wearing body armor, we would say to each other, “It’s hot, but at least I’m not cold.”

And we fucking meant it.

If you think it ain’t that bad to be in 130 degree temperatures while wearing body armor and sitting in the back of a HMMVW where the metal truck bed is just cramming the heat into your eye holes, then undoubtedly you’re a summer person.

Summer is just better in every conceivable way. You people can go stick your frozen heads in the freezer and suck cold ice if you don’t agree with me.

English: Twin Peaks Summer Bikini Contest in 2011.

I have no clue who this chick is but, really, who cares. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If I understand anything about the popular TV series Game of Thrones*, it’s that in addition to showing a lot of hot naked chicks, (just like summer) the characters die a lot which sucks because a Game of Thrones summer is four-years long or some shit.

That awesome if I don’t consider the alternate — a four-year-long winter. That would break me faster than the rath Gordon Ramsey’s rain down on me if I served him a flaccid souffle.

So again, all you winter people can suck it for a few short months. We summer people are happy. HAPPY I tell you, and if you’re a winter person here in Germany, have pity on us summer folks, it will be just a few-short weeks until you’re once again relishing in your dreadful cold and pale-gray bliss.

Until then, we people of the SUN will be out in it. In fact, why the hell am I typing this at all, I should be outside…

* Actually I don’t know crap about the series, I watched all of season one drunk off my ass and apart from a lot hot naked chicks can’t tell you much of anything about it.

Winter’s here and I am not at all happy about it

Winter, in Germany at least, is here. Snow has blanketed (and since melted) much of the Baden-Wurttenberg area, kids are sledding down hills or making snowmen and there’s the smell of lit fireplaces in the air.

And that last part, the part about the smell of fireplaces just a’blazin, is the only good thing that I can say about this wretched time of year. Because fire = heat and I’m all about the heat.

I mean look at it, everything’s grey and you have to dress up like the Michelin man just to walk to the fucking mail box.

And some of you out there claim to actually like this time of year.

You’re sick individuals, you know that? Sick.

In fact it was just last week a coworker confessed to me that this was “his time of year.”

Yeah, well, your time of year sucks. Really it does. What other season requires I freeze my balls off shoveling frozen water flakes out of my driveway? You know what other time that is? It’s the season of never.

Woman outdoors in winter clothes / Femme dehor... I’m not even trying with the photos anymore, this was tagged winter clothes, ladies. Or something.(Photo credit: BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives)

“But I have all these cute winter clothes I can wear,” chicks say a lot. Hey ladies, do you know what kind of outfit we gents find “cute?” It’s the kind where you have next to nothing or nothing on.

You wrapped up in 18 layers just means more work for us if, for some weird reason, we have any desire to get naked when the temperature outside drops lower than Snookies IQ.

Let’s just agree you’re a lot “cuter” in a bikini than snowshoes, and move on OK?

“Oh, but Christmas, Christmas is coming. Gosh I love Christmas,” you say?

“Fuck Christmas, it’s too damn cold out,” I say.

You know what would make Christmas rock? Moving it into June. Seriously, I’m all about getting together with friends and having a great meal and heck I’ll even bring a gift or two, but I’d be a lot more enthusiastic about it if I could do it while wearing shorts and flip-flops.

I know, I know, it’s just a winter festival. That’s basically all Christmas is, a winter festival. Ancient cultures thought, “Holy crap it’s really cold, really dark and the foods about to run out … let’s throw a party!” And that does make sense. The days, which have been getting shorter and shorter are about to get longer again (thankfully) and I for one do at least appreciate that fact.

Did you know that incidents of suicide and spouse/child abuse quadruple in the months of December, January and February?

No, you didn’t?

Well, you’re an idiot then and I’m cranky because it’s fucking snowing. Also I made that quadrupled fact up. For all I know it’s the opposite, but if it’s not true, it should be.

Hang on a moment, I have to go smack my wife because … cold.

Soldier Hollow Snow Bunny She’s likely cute, but would be cuter in a bikini. (Photo credit: a4gpa)

And let’s talk about you skiers and you snowboarders.

All of you should be shot at dawn.

At what fucking point in your lives did strapping shit to your feet and racing down a mountain at bone-breaking speeds in the freezing cold sound like fun?

You fuckers are the worst.

Seriously what are you people thinking? You know what activity is actually fun with things strapped to your feet? Water-skiing, that’s what. At least with water-skiing there’s a slight chance bikini tops will come off when chicks wipe out. What’s the chance of that on snow? Zero point zero percent.

“But, but, but you can drink on the way down the slopes in Europe,” I can hear

Snow flake

Holy crap why are you on a bike? You know we now have cars, with heaters and crap! (Photo credit: xJason.Rogersx)

some of you saying. Like you’ll convince me skiing is cool with that crap. Oh can you? Who cares? It’s cold, you’re likely wet and you’re not even back down the goddamn mountain yet. This is NO time for drinking and trust me I feel that most times are the time for drinking.

Unlike the other ‘facts’ I’ve presented, I can also offer proof that winter sucks.

Men, do you like your penis to be big or small?

Let’s do a poll.

I predict big wins. Also, like all other polls here, you can vote as many times as you like. Consider it a feature of how strongly you feel about the topic.

Fact: Cold causes shrinkage.

Cracked.com agrees with me by the way and there is no better bastion of scientific fact than cracked.com. Sunlight increases testosterone, according to 1939 science, and if we can’t trust (we can’t) 1939 science then …

Look I just want it to be sunny again.

Anyway, screw you winter. You suck. Jan and Feb are going to suck no doubt but we’re half-way through. You bastard.