Tag Archives: IPad

How to blast through $1,000 without ANY help from strippers

So here I sit, $1000 poorer than I was during a fateful February morning where I retardedly forgot that the quote by Hemmingway to “always do sober what you said you do drunk,” is the worst advice given since Mark Anthony told Julius Cesar he’d be fine going to the senate all by himself.

Okay no one stabbed me and to the best of my knowledge my wife isn’t contemplating starting a household civil war (best to be vigilant though!) I’m none-the-less still an idiot.

Sometime around 1991 or so a young captain in the U.S. Army talked me into pursuing a career as a helicopter pilot.   Besides that fact that I’m sure the Army has some pretty strict regulations about spilling beer in their helicopter and you can’t smoke while flying I know now I would have sucked at, or at least hated, being a pilot.   In my mind they were basically glorified bus drivers once I really thought about it.  I had a cool job as an Army journalist, one day I got to play with the infantry, the next with tankers, the next with artillery … you get the point.

The real point is that I didn’t have any interest at all in becoming a pilot.   Take off, fly around in little fart circles, land.  Yawn.   Literally I yawned typing that.

With that knowledge can any of you tell me why I thought buying that god damned toy helicopter that ‘claims’ to just cost $300 was a good idea?

Trouble started when I tried to mount a go-Pro camera on the damned thing and caused a crash of epic proportions breaking a gear and bending a shaft in the process.   Then some asshole on the internet added further insult to my injury by pointing out that I was an idiot for mounting anything on what is essentially a toy.

This is how I felt when internet bully told me I was retarded.   Also my internet Ar.Drone 2.0 forum name is Badgrl2, why are you judging?

This is how I felt when the internet bully told me I was retarded. Also my internet Ar.Drone 2.0 forum name is Badgrl2, why are you judging?

Fine mister internet forum smart guy … you were right, I was wrong.   Dick.

So off to the Ar.Parrot drone online “we’ knew you suckers would be back buying something sooner or later” store I went to buy a package of gears and shafts.

Next up the forward camera, after being introduced at high speed to a wall (or tree or bush or lord knows what) decided to break off.   Back to the on-line store for a new body structure because the only way to fix a broken forward facing camera is a new ‘body structure’ and you’re basically $80 poorer for the knowledge.

Some point before the new body structure arrived (but the retarded money pit was still flyable, just no damned camera) one of the four motors sent an encoded message back to ar.drone.com headquarters that said, “watch me fuck with this drunk idiot, this is going to be a hoot.”   Basically one motor wasn’t playing nice with all the other motors.    This drove me insane because it didn’t seem to be a motor problem at all.  These facts coupled with the fact that I have the mechanical aptitude of a monkey that’s addicted to meth made figuring out that little gem out — super-fun time.

A pack of two motors later, either because I figured if it can happen once it will happen again so order two or because they came in two packs (I don’t remember which it was), I’m starting to add shit up in my head.   Helicopter, $300.  Rotors and pins, $20, new body structure $80, Motor 2-pack $160.  Jesus fuck this … hobby is the wrong word … ‘retarded decision’ is getting expensive.

Then because the U.S. postal service is basically conspiring to fuck me the main body and the motors arrived but revealed to me that a special screw driver was needed to install them.  Ha-ha, I thought, screw you helicopter I know a full blown race car driver who has like ‘MAD tools.’  I’ll just show the screw to Ray Coley, he’ll have the tool for the job cause ‘have no fear, Ray Coley is here.”

Fourteen-million tries later Ray gave up and took me to a shop near the place we have beer-30 at and 20 euro later I had the tool in hand.  Ray commented that I had been looking visibly depressed before finally finding the tool.

He was of course correct, I was thinking of suicide.  Not my own, hell no I love

I hoped that killing the helicopter with a shotgun would be like this, only better.   I’d also cry after but they would be tears of joy and release.

I hoped that killing the helicopter with a shotgun would be like this, only better. I’d also cry after but they would be tears of joy and release.

me too much.  I was thinking of the helicopter’s suicide and that if it ever flew again how beautiful it would be to shoot it with a shotgun.   Maybe that’s murder though, I don’t know, I’ll leave that decision to history.

With the proper tool in hand I set to work.   The weather was nice, the sun was out and I spent hours in the garage, carefully disassembling and then reassembling, with the new parts, the goddamn nightmare of a helicopter.

Finally with new body assembly attached and broken motor replaced I fired up the iPad and … what the fuck, no firmware.   Seems replacing a tiny motor, leaving the thing without any power for weeks and/or I should have never bought a remote control helicopter in the first place, fucks up the firmware.

Who knew?

Firmware reinstalled the helicopter lifted off and flew around room smartly with me at the controls expertly … okay it took off to about half a foot before immediately committing an apparently suicidal back flip without any input from me at all.

Every. Single. Time.

Up 6 inches followed by a suicidal flip over thingy.  The helicopter hates me, or itself.  Maybe both.

I should add to this, even though it won’t make any sense, I’m also a black marketer.    I’m as good a black marketer as I am a remote control helicopter pilot in that I’m pretty sure my black marketing, this particular mistake aside, cost me money rather than made me money.    It would be hysterical if one of you would notify the German government of my crime so that I can pay a hefty fine … a hefty fine seems appropriate.

What the hell is this drunken idiot talking about, I can hear you asking.  Some of you are hitting the unsubscribe button and the guy considering offering me a book deal is likely crying right now.   I’m not drunk, don’t unsubscribe and look dude I still think “fear and loathing, now with beer” is a perfectly acceptable book title.

In other words, let me explain.

Somehow when Alex, visiting with Maggie, in February talked me into ordering the Ar.Drone Parrot money synch 2.0 I not only ordered the helicopter but I also put another one in my shopping cart at Amazon without realizing it.*

Fast forward to May when Dagmar’s German friend asked us to order a ‘shit-ton’ of barbeque equipment for her husband/boyfriend/dude she lives with/whatever I, like the obedient husband I am dutifully set about ordering all of it on Amazon, cause fuck German Value Added Tax and BBQ is good!

So, looking behind me to make sure no German custom’s agents were watching (they weren’t but the cat was – never trust the cat) I hit check out never realizing that a second Ar.Drone helicopter was in the cart.

Thus during my doom and despair phase, after the firmware had been updated, but while the helicopter was still doing retarded back flips shortly after takeoff, a brand new – never been flown into a wall at high speed helicopter arrived.   Dagmar was very supportive.  While she said, “What the fucking, fuck!  A second helicopter?  Are you fucking insane.” I knew she meant, “Todd I’m so happy you’ve solved your helicopter problem.  A second purchase of $300 is small price to pay for your piece of mind, go my love – go fly.”

And I did, straight into a tree so high that I had to ask the landlord for help getting my toy helicopter out.

Like this, only with more … well shit wait I can’t add anything more to this.  It’s exactly like this.

Drinking leads to things like this, only with more … well shit wait I can’t add anything more to this. It’s exactly like this.

*   Drinking can not only leads to unplanned pregnancies, herpes and surprise appearances on Girls Gone Wild but it can also lead to unwanted helicopters, that’s a pro-tip kids, write  it down .

Hookers vs. important stuff … yeah I’ll take the hookers too.

Quiz time!

Put your books, phones, computers and iPads away … wait keep those last three so you can read this.

Look I only have an hour before the Preside … I mean the boss shows up.

Look I only have an hour before the Preside … I mean the boss shows up.

What was going to be one of topics of discussion in Columbia before every Secret Service agent in Columbia was fired for failing to pay the going rate for a ‘Dirty Sanchez” with foreign hookers?

Was it:

A:  How much is too much for a quality Columbian hooker?  

B:  Homeless puppies in Central and South America how do we solve the crisis?

C:  A plea from Central and South American nations asking the United States to reevaluate its drug policy?

If you answered ‘A’ I want to party with you.  If you answered ‘C’, you’re like me and god help you.

I knew about the conference before the scandal broke.   I mean I read about the agenda and thought okay this will be good.   I knew about it not because I’m a drug junkie hoping U.S. drug policies are relaxed but because I’m a news junkie.  

And like most junkies my addiction pisses me off.  The media itself, when I boil it down, doesn’t piss me off.  ‘We’ piss me off.

The media isn‘t left, right or center.   They’re not.  They’re a business.  They’re there to make money.  The stories they cover and the ways they are covered are designed to attract readers, viewers or on the net, clickers.

They’ve also figure out that they have to cater to our idiocy, our base instincts and our lack of a desire to hear about anything more interesting than; shark kills swimmer, pretty white kid is missing and of course SEX!   

This is why the news is “filled” with stories about Secret Service agents banging hot Columbian prostitutes and not, wait for it, WHAT THE FUCK the conference was about in the first place.

Which story, at the end of the day, is more important?   Does the fact that some the secret service agents banged hookers really matter more than what our president discussed with the leaders of counties south of us? 

If you picked the first one I hate you and will soon fly to your house to personally punch you.

That’s why I love news but hate everyone, including myself.  

Before this story broke it was INTERESTING!  Okay it wasn’t exactly interesting, but it was relevant.  I mean it mattered.

I have a little problem with news apps!   Also with bothering to read emails or listening to voice mails.

I have a little problem with news apps! Also with bothering to read emails or listening to voice mails.

  For all I know Venezuela gave Obama a “we’re sorry we’ve been dicks” Hallmark card, Raoul Castro offered to have open and free elections and Mexico announced it just discovered a shit-ton of oil and that whole illegal immigration problem the GOP keeps bitching about would soon be over. 

Okay the last one is actually bad news for all involved but still it’s better information than a pissed off ‘woman of the night’ losing her shit in the hallway when some jackass refuses to pay her the agreed upon price.  Also honey, get the money first.   I thought that was in the hooker rule book.

The fact that men, with strong ‘type a personalities’, on business trips, fuck chicks that aren’t their wives is hardly news.   The fact that the people that travel a lot, with the president mind you, whore around barely registers on my radar as news.  It shouldn’t happen, and we should vet them better I agree, but it’s a sidebar news story at best. 

What did the leaders of all these nations just south of us discuss?  That’s the story.

You know the things that might have an impact on our lives.

It’s the pretty white girl missing/shark just attacked a person story … really it is. 

And those suck.  They always suck.  They have the nutrional value (news wise) of a twinkie. 

They also taste like twinkies, they are twinkie news items.   They taste good, they are always fresh but they are really, really fucking useless.

Natalie Halloways = “News Twinkie”.

Natalie Halloway didn’t matter.  You know it, I know it and that drunken bum on the corner knows it.  For that matter that homeless guy with the “great pipes” didn’t fucking matter but at least he was treated as feature material and not news. 

At the end of the day, when either Natalie Halloway’s disappearance or the Secret Service’s hooker breakdownapoloza , rode the high tide of the news wave, we missed out on important news. 

I wake up at 6 a.m. and watch, in this order, Fox news followed by CBS and NBC news.   Know what? They are exactly the same.  

They are exactly the same because you, me and the people next to us suck.  We love pointless news.   What was the big story before the attacks of 9-11?  Yeah, it was shark attacks off the coast of Florida, which are, if you read a bit, the most non-news event in the world. 

Seriously only about 20 people die a year from shark attacks.  You’re more likely to be fired as a U.S. federal employee than killed by a shark.   Maybe that’s why it’s on the news, rarity.

Does it matter really to the greater good if a pretty 18-year-old white blonde girl is missing? Not at all.   Does it matter?  Should it be reported?  Is it important?  Yes of course but does it deserve top story coverage on every news network for weeks, months and (Madeleine McCann) years later? 

Hell no!

And it’s always, fuck you I’m right here, ALWAYS pretty white girls.    Okay maybe occasionally it a white child or a very attractive non-white person but if the media is so damned liberal why are they so racist and/or misogynist when it comes to missing persons.

Also I’m getting older and REALLY bitchy.  

Here’s fun.   Open Google, select the news category and type in missing white girl.   Scroll down, drink in the results.  Now type in, “missing African American girl”.  Scroll down and realize that fuck the media doesn’t give two-shits about the left or right but only about what will get you to stick around so that the ad next to the story they did about that says “white teeth in just 7 days!” will get them the ad revenue they crave.

Charles Taylor’s conviction will make NBC, CBS, ABC and FOX’s news cycle tomorrow morning when I wake up.  It might even be the top story.   But by Monday it’ll be forgotten and I’ll still get to hear all about which Secret Service Agent resigned and which prostitute just signed a reality show contract for American TV. 

I’ll watch it or I’ll read it and it will be all my (and your) fault.