This happened to me today with a total stranger.
Me: Hi, how are you?
Stranger: I’m blessed, thank you.
Ever have that shit happen to you? You’re on the way to work, you stop for a quick cup of coffee and you say mindlessly to some stranger, “How are you,” and they fuck up your day with this moronic bullshit?
That’s not even a real answer to the question. Your day is either good, bad or in between — those are the fucking answers you’re allowed to give.
“How is your day” isn’t a question that invites a response of, “I love baby Jesus.” You’re phishing and hoping the person you say it to will magically find Jesus afterward.
Here’s a fact, you’re a total twat for saying that.
Seriously, if you’re currently answering the aforementioned question with, “I’m blessed,” is the verbal equivalent of spam. Its unsolicited bullshit put into my head in an effort to trick me into doing something you want.
You’re doing this because you’re a twat.
I’m going to start wasting the time and energy of every one of you twats by asking a shit ton of questions after you give that response.
Me: Hi, how are you?
Stranger: I’m blessed!
Me: You’re what?
Me: What’s that mean?
Stranger: You know, by the Lord.
Me: The who? What are you talking about?
Stranger: Our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Me: Look you don’t have to swear at me. What lord and savior? I thought we had a president?
Stranger: Jesus Christ!
Me: Stop swearing at me! Who is our lord and savior?
And so forth.
Right back at you bible thumpers. You want to say stupid shit to a question that every sane person answers with, “I’m good, how are you,” then I’m going to find out exactly what you mean. We can Who’s-On-First that shit until the apocalypse, fuckheads.
Jesus Christ, you people piss me off.
You know what else pisses me off? Bumper stickers, that’s what. Not all of them. That would be stupid. The stick family on your back window, that’s cool. The stick family on your back window being chased by a chain-saw wielding maniac? Great, I love it. Do you break for yard sales? Awesome!
What I’m talking about are political bumper stickers in general and election bumper stickers, before and after an election, specifically.
If your bumper sticker says that you support giving aborted fetuses handguns because Jesus said it was OK when he wrote the constitution while high on legal marijuana, you’re an idiot. But you’re a forgivable idiot and at least there’s a remote chance you convinced someone to read up on the merits or pitfalls of arming aborted babies. I mean it’s their constitutional right — the bible says so.
This is one of those areas where I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you favor. Putting a political statement on the bumper of your car just makes you look like a drooling idiot. It’s the same, almost, as the “I’m blessed” crowd.
Look fuckheads: The messages on your bumper should be reserved for snark and/or telling us what great fucking crotch fruit you’ve produced. (Even then I think it’s slightly retarded but not nearly as retarded and someone affixing one as it relates to an election.)
I’m political, very political in fact. I’ve donated money to candidates before. I’ve even received bumper stickers for that money. Did I put them on my bumper to show the world my “support?” Fuck no, because no “undecided” voter in the history of democracy has ever, ever saw one and said, “Well that’s it, I’m voting for that guy because it’s on that dude’s bumper.”
And if I’m wrong with the above assumption and some moron did vote for the candidate of my choice because of my bumper sticker, well, that person is a fucking moron and shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place. I’d love to read the exit poll quote with that mouth breather.
Pollster: And why did you vote for that candidate?
Moron: Ummm, because the bumper sticker told me too?
So — at best — putting one on your car is fucking pointless, and at worst it encourages the uninformed to vote. You’re simply not fucking helping.
Finally let’s move on to the retards who leave the stickers on after the election is over, because Googling how to remove a bumper sticker is too hard.
I can kind of see how, if you picked the winner, you’d be tempted to leave it on to gloat, but really after like six months aren’t you just advertising to the world that you once, way back when, made the same decision the majority of the people did? Really, you’re proud of that? Way to follow the herd.
And those that support the losers? Don’t get me started.
There’s a car at my work with a bumper sticker that says “Romney 2012, Makers vs. Takers.” This is hysterical to me because, I promise you, the driver of the car is a federal employee.
But I digress.
Here’s a constant reminder of the day the members of my democratic country disagreed with me. Right here, on my car! For fuck sake stop and remove that reminder of your failure. I’d be equally pissed if Obama lost the 2012 election and I saw a bumper sticker supporting him today. You need to get rid of that shit, it’s a mobile billboard shouting, “I backed the wrong horse!”
Anyway, bless you all! Maybe I need a “Romney blesses you all, 2012,” sticker.