If the WordPress statistics page is any indication at all, most of you are here looking for information about sauna boners.
Who can blame you? I mean, if you get a boner in a sauna you’re going to be like totally embarrassed, unless its “that” kind of sauna, in which case, boner away.
However, if its not that kind of sauna, well you’re going to be freaked out. You could be so freaked out you might have to move. Like move-away freaked out. Which is really freaked out.
Sauna boners aside (and can you ever really put sauna boners aside – okay I’ll stop with the sauna boner references) I think a lot of the readers here are military or associated with the military and consequently move a lot. My last “professional-development counseling” with the boss (which had a lot of yelling about sauna boners, oddly) seemed to think so.
Anyway, as you remember I just accepted the help of a no-shit professional editor here and as you might recall she charges like $1 million internet dollars per update (the checks in the mail!)
So we have bills to pay.
Thusly, we’re going to pimp an app.
I didn’t write the app, obviously. If I had, it would randomly send you photos of my testicles during odd moments (birthdays, anniversaries, Disney visits, weddings) and I know I’d pay a lot of money for that to happen. Sadly, my computer skills are only matched by the cat when she walks across my keyboard.
Actually the cat’s are better. She could accidentally write some life-changing computer program that cures cancer.
I’m just going to keep writing this crap.
Anyway military people move a lot. And a good friend, I mean a GOOD friend, wrote an app that helps the MOVr. I’ll let him do the dirty work by explaining it.
Testimonial: I bought it and it no-fuck works. It helps you catalog your high-value items with a photo and a description and provides an “if those fuckers break this it will cost me this much to replace it” field. Really it’s pretty awesome.
But before I go I want to be clear about one thing, the author of this app is fucked up beyond belief about one thing. I don’t want to short-sell him, but really. The best anything involving music does not include Guns_N’_Roses sir, no. It involves everything about Jane’s Addiction’s, “Three Days.”
Make a fucking app about that.
Now, the app
Apple just released an app of mine and **spoiler alert** it sucks. Full disclosure: I have no sales experience and haven’t thought out my pitch yet. But that’s kind of my point — to make an app, you have to be a developer for sure, but also a business person, graphics designer, marketer and salesperson all in one.
For example, one app released last week is called PCSr and makes it easy to catalog all your household stuff by pic, serial number and value.
While it applies to anyone who is moving or who wants to catalog their stuff, I geared it more toward the military. Whether I should have called it MOVr instead of PCSr to apply it to a larger audience, who knows, but that’s my best attempt at marketing it.
I was in the military and have a long trail of broken household goods scattered throughout Europe and Asia. I know something like this could benefit military members, so I went with what I know and clearly defined the app’s market.
Developing the iPhone/iPad app requires becoming familiar with Apple’s programming language Objective C. That’s kind of hard for sure, but Google “iPhone app tutorial” and you’re already on your way. It’s like learning guitar; learn a few riffs you want to play first like “Paradise City” by Guns N’ Roses (by the way, the last two minutes of that song are the best two minutes in all the world of music, starting from Axl screaming, “hooooooooommmmmmmeee.. “ and Steven pounding on the drums underneath… OK, sorry). It’s like learning guitar; learn a few riffs you want to play and then you go back and learn the basics because they start to make sense and it’s fun. After like a year or two of this, you’ll be on your way to playing the first four minutes of “Paradise City.” You’ll never be able play the last two. Don’t even try, I will be so mad.
You’re also going to need to design a logo for the app when displayed in the App Store and iTunes, you won’t be able to upload your app without this. Simple is best, don’t try to do too much. One design I’m proud of is my other app that Apple is supposed to release this week called distilr.
The last step is actually selling it. Apple mostly takes care of that, but since the App Store is so large and crowded, you’ll need all the advantages you can get. My way was setting up free Tumblr and WordPress blogs to advertise it and offer tech support.
You can totally find PCSr here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/pcsr/id590584453?mt=8
Also it contains real human blood.
Hey, it’s me again the guy that runs this Blog … I’m happy to say that I’ve passed this app to the Had a Few Beers smart-phone application advisory board and they’ve agreed to test it out. Two friends bought the app and literally are using it right now (while they are moving) so we’re going to have a review unless they get too busy moving or something (the selfish bastards) and don’t write back.