Tag Archives: Navy

Guest Blogger G-Gank: From the Dysfunctional Mind of G-Gank.


So yeah, I’m phoning it in this week.  

First a blog about someone that thought consuming nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper sauce and maple syrup for 10 days was a great weight loss plan (no update after day one so  I presume he’s dead) we have G-Gank, a frequent commenter here, with the following.   

— Had a few beers.  (P.S. G-Gank this is really hysterical, I hope you do more here)

So I’m blogging….  WTF is wrong with this picture?  I’ve only read a few blogs in my life and they were all pretty cool but it’s not like I give a rats ass what anyone has to say because let’s face it 70% of our society is just really fucked up.
 
In the past 48 hours I have been bombarded with crazy-ass statistics that make me want to choke a random person on the street because it would probably make their life a hell of a lot better.  The other night I was shocked to hear that 5% of the population are hoarders, then my boss told me this morning that 2% are sociopaths.  Randomly, another friend informed me that Pedophiles make up 3% of the population (I have no idea how this came up but people always offer me random shit because they know I will enjoy it…. because they think I’m strange.)  So in just 48 hours I discovered 10% of the freaking world is really fucked in the head.  So it’s safe to assume that 70% is a realistic number.
 
I find this fucking hysterical because people always think I’m strange!!!!! … fuck them.  I’m one of those “what-you-see” is “what-you-get people” and a lot of people just can’t deal with that.  I hide nothing and that is shocking to many people.  I’m sure the consensus is that I’m a bit strange and maybe too straight forward.   I make it quite clear that I masturbate and I enjoy it.  I have 6 cats and 3 dogs and spend thousands of dollars every year on them.  I rather spend a week in the woods with my dogs than 15 minutes talking to any “normal” person.  I guess that does make me strange, eh?
 

Parked next to a hoarder.

Like this only more house than car. (Photo credit: Aric McKeown)

My former co-worker Frank was considered normal; in fact he was admired…. Great all-around guy, father, husband, who devoted much of his time to the Boy Scouts of America….. That is until the FBI came to our Federal Office at the EPA and arrested him for soliciting young boys on his Government Computer. Apparently the fucking guy loved to smell boy’s underwear.  But remember….  I’m the strange one because I talk about wacking off.
 
Then there is my buddy Carl, 35 years as a federal employee, awesome dude….  was at Woodstock!  (Pretty sure he still smoked weed).  Well his wife almost died in their house because the fucking paramedics could not get the stretcher into the bedroom because he had turned his house into a fucking landfill.  There was shit everywhere. How does one live this double life and hide the fact that you need to keep the April 21st classifieds from 1972?  Dude clean that shit up. But remember….  I’m the strange one because I talk about getting blow jobs from hookers in Thailand.

And I'm the one that's weird

Having sex with 6-year-olds = bad. A PSA from hadafewbeers.com

Then there was the good old Petty Officer 1st Class Hitchcock loved by everyone and just an awesome Sailor (see attached Photo).  He was just about to retire from the United States Navy and buy that fishing boat of his dreams…. that is until the NCIS and the Jacksonville Police came and snatched him up for raping his next door neighbors little girl. Poooooooor  Hitchcock exclaimed the command, as I yelled kill that fucking freak!  I was crucified for pre-judging this guy prior to the judge giving him a life sentence.  Yeah I’m just so inconsiderate… because I wanted to put a bullet in that rapists skull. 
 
Yeah I’m not invited to cocktail parties….. hell most of my friends don’t want me around their families because they know what I am capable of saying or doing.  I say go fuck yourselves…  I’ll stay at home with my pets, maybe watch some porn…  and you just invite that quite, well groomed co-worker to your house to meet your wife and children….  after all he’s quite normal and harmless?  Or maybe you could invite that Minnesota State Representative Kerry Gauthier after all he a great American Patriot…. Oh wait is that the same elected official who was just caught at a rest stop getting a blow job from a 17-year-old boy? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/21/kerry-gauthier-minnesota-lawmaker_n_1819601.html

Yeah, yeah the Olympics … yawn.


Kittens are cute, unless they're killing stuff ...

Kittens are cute, unless they’re killing stuff …

This is a Had A Few Beers Blog first.  This update is a confession, and its not going to be a popular one.  Most of you will exit out of this blog with haste, swear loudly for ever allowing yourself into being fooled into reading this in the first place.  

A few of you will vomit in revulsion.  Someone may in fact faint.

No. I don’t hate kittens (I love kittens).  I’ve never kicked a baby (I love babies) and I’ve never robbed an elderly person (more than once).

It’s just that …

The Olympics bore me.  

There I said it. 

Let the hate mail flow in. 

You see I was born without the sports gene.   I blame my Mom.   Dad’s side of the family has the sports gene, Mom’s side of the family clearly lacks it.

You see I’ll play your goddamn sport, I don’t care what it is I’ll go out on the field and utterly make an ass of myself trying hard and wrecking my body in the process but fuck if I care how professionals or Olympians (is there a difference) play it.   I’ll even enjoy playing (albiet poorly) it.  But I could care less about watching it.  

But I’ll play basketball with you and I’ll suck at it but I’ll try my best.  I’ll get creamed as in “OH SHIT THAT HURT,” by someone twice my size playing American football but I’ll at least get the ball a few yards closer to the goal before that happens.

But when it comes to watching any sport (pro or otherwise) on TV, here is my rating on a scale of one to ten of their importance to me.  Ten being more awesome than a topless beer drinking contest and one being equal to a math test.

College football:  1

Pro sports of any kind: -78

Army vs. Navy Football: 1.002

Army vs. Navy anything else: Who cares?

Baseball: My balls itch, I should Google why my balls itch.

Hockey: see next entry.

Boxing: Jesus, ouch!   Why the hell do they … okay 1.00000003.  No, no it’s like -1.0000001, screw that.

Golf:  I suck, and I had lessons too, GOD I really sucks -1,000,000!

Point is I don’t give a shit about most sports and surely don’t give a shit about the Olympics.   I don’t care if the Chinese swimmer snorted

What the hell do you mean the Chinese have six more medals than ... oh who gives a shit ...

What the hell do you mean the Chinese have six more medals than … oh who gives a shit …

performance enhancement drugs off the Olympic organizer’s penis, then looked into the camera and said “haha American I use ‘roids’ so f’ you”. 

I say load the bastards up on drugs.  We already KNOW what the limits of the human body can do and even if we don’t the difference is measured in like milliseconds.  

With dope these athletes will absolutely shatter the records.  The testing shouldn’t be a matter of ‘do they have performance enhancing drugs in their systems’ it should be do they have ‘enough performance enhancing drugs in their systems?’

Did competitor X from country Y just test positive for excessive amounts of feral-dog testicle extraction?  

Yes? 

This year's Olympic Games are sponsored by Anabolic steroids!

This year’s Olympic Games are sponsored by Anabolic steroids!

Great get them on the field and for the love of god let the fans know.

I’m also the guy that wrote to Lance Armstrong and recommended that he put a nitrous canister into his anus for added performance during the race’s final leg so I might just be outside the mainstream here.

My phone just buzzed and that’s means there’s an ‘important news update.’  This happened because I set my phone to only buzz when there are important updates.

Like you know when Madonna flashed her over 50-year-old ass at a concert in Rome ?   Those kinds of updates.   You know, important shit updates.

No the ‘news alert’ is about someone, and I assume it’s an American someone, won a gold in something at the Olympics.   You can be on a cereal box now, congradufuckinglations.

We are so doing this wrong.

Which leads me to the following statement;  fuck sports on TV all together.

Seriously fuck them, fuck the players, fuck the coaches and mostly fuck you, the fans.

What the fuck do they do?  Why did Joe Paterno have a fucking statue on campus in the first place?  Because he led a group of young men to better fight over a football than another group of young men? 

A football costs like what, twelve bucks, maybe twenty, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s a hundred bucks but for fuck’s sake please stop fighting over it assholes. You’re not heroes to anyone and the game is pointless.   It may be fun to watch, sure, but it’s fucking pointless.

Same with the Olympics, and oddly they piss me off more.  Let’s just play a thought game.   What if fucking Guam wins EVERY gold medal there is.  I don’t care what the contest, they win every gold medal there is in it.  

The day after the Olympics, Russia is still Russia, Germany is still Germany, China is still China and Guam is still Guam.  

I don’t get it, I never will.  

I see the appreciation for a talented sports figure, I do.  Anyone that has trained themselves to that level deserves a look; they deserve your ‘appreciation’ maybe but do they deserve the level of fame they achieve? 

Certainly they do not. 

The Roman’s got this crap right 2,000 years ago.   Gladiators, charioteers and actors were famous but they were the lower rung run of society and you wouldn’t be caught dead talking to one.  Okay maybe it shouldn’t be that bad but they’re not glowing examples of all that’s good in the world with the exception of Michael Phelps and the bong incident, which was hysterical and classic.

My boss reads this blog.   I know because he has had to ‘talk to me’ once, twice or every update about the content here. 

He love’s sports.

I don’t. 

One of the most interesting talks we’ve ever had (non-work related at least) is about the whole Penn state fiasco.   

Child molestation aside, and no you can’t ever put that aside, I’ll never understand why we elevate people who are basically either A: chasing something meaningless (the ball) or B: directing the chasing of something meaningless (the game result) to hero like status.

Why did we do that?  What beyond their ability to chase a ball around did they do to tell us they were good people?  Sure there are exceptions, but they prove the rule.  They chase a ball around a court for no purpose other than it pays well.  You followed the ‘ball’ well, why?  It paid a lot of money and/or fame and/or the attention it gets you that’s why.

The result makes no difference and my brain cannot swallow it.

You know an award I could get behind?  The award that thanks Guatemala, China, Japan, the U.S., Russia and that country we all hate, yeah that one, for putting a manned mission on Mars and returning them home safely.  That award means something.  

Not to you?   Fuck Mars you say?  I don’t agree but I can get behind your disagreement, let’s put it toward ending world hunger, disease, war or stopping me from ever blogging again.

Any of that is better than the amount of effort we spend on fencing, I don’t care what your nationality. 

Because seriously fencing, who the fuck fences?