Tag Archives: Politics

Two things that piss me off: “I’m blessed” and bumper stickers.


This happened to me today with a total stranger.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Stranger: I’m blessed, thank you.

Ever have that shit happen to you? You’re on the way to work, you stop for a quick cup of coffee and you say mindlessly to some stranger, “How are you,” and they fuck up your day with this moronic bullshit?

That’s not even a real answer to the question. Your day is either good, bad or in between — those are the fucking answers you’re allowed to give.

“How is your day” isn’t a question that invites a response of, “I love baby Jesus.” You’re phishing and hoping the person you say it to will magically find Jesus afterward.

Here’s a fact, you’re a total twat for saying that.

Seriously, if you’re currently answering the aforementioned question with, “I’m blessed,” is the verbal equivalent of spam. Its unsolicited bullshit put into my head in an effort to trick me into doing something you want.

You’re doing this because you’re a twat.

I’m going to start wasting the time and energy of every one of you twats by asking a shit ton of questions after you give that response.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Stranger: I’m blessed!

You forgot, "and a twat."

You forgot, “and a twat.”

Me: You’re what?

Stranger: Blessed.

Me: What’s that mean?

Stranger: You know, by the Lord.

Me: The who? What are you talking about?

Stranger: Our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Me: Look you don’t have to swear at me. What lord and savior? I thought we had a president?

Stranger: Jesus Christ!

Me: Stop swearing at me! Who is our lord and savior?

And so forth.

Right back at you bible thumpers. You want to say stupid shit to a question that every sane person answers with, “I’m good, how are you,” then I’m going to find out exactly what you mean. We can Who’s-On-First that shit until the apocalypse, fuckheads.

Jesus Christ, you people piss me off.

You know what else pisses me off? Bumper stickers, that’s what.  Not all of them. That would be stupid. The stick family on your back window, that’s cool. The stick family on your back window being chased by a chain-saw wielding maniac? Great, I love it. Do you break for yard sales? Awesome!

What I’m talking about are political bumper stickers in general and election bumper stickers, before and after an election, specifically.

So Jesus and George Washington, after killing all the French people, got together and wrote the constitution, and that's why we have Christmas boys and girls.  America!

So Jesus and George Washington, after killing all the French people, got together and wrote the constitution, and that’s why we have Christmas boys and girls. America!

If your bumper sticker says that you support giving aborted fetuses handguns because Jesus said it was OK when he wrote the constitution while high on legal marijuana, you’re an idiot. But you’re a forgivable idiot and at least there’s a remote chance you convinced someone to read up on the merits or pitfalls of arming aborted babies. I mean it’s their constitutional right — the bible says so.

This is one of those areas where I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you favor. Putting a political statement on the bumper of your car just makes you look like a drooling idiot. It’s the same, almost, as the “I’m blessed” crowd.

Look fuckheads: The messages on your bumper should be reserved for snark and/or telling us what great fucking crotch fruit you’ve produced. (Even then I think it’s slightly retarded but not nearly as retarded and someone affixing one as it relates to an election.)

I’m political, very political in fact. I’ve donated money to candidates before. I’ve even received bumper stickers for that money. Did I put them on my bumper to show the world my “support?” Fuck no, because no “undecided” voter in the history of democracy has ever, ever saw one and said, “Well that’s it, I’m voting for that guy because it’s on that dude’s bumper.”

And if I’m wrong with the above assumption and some moron did vote for the candidate of my choice because of my bumper sticker, well, that person is a fucking moron and shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place.  I’d love to read the exit poll quote with that mouth breather.

Pollster: And why did you vote for that candidate?

Moron: Ummm, because the bumper sticker told me too?

So — at best — putting one on your car is fucking pointless, and at worst it encourages the uninformed to vote.  You’re simply not fucking helping.

Finally let’s move on to the retards who leave the stickers on after the election is over, because Googling how to remove a bumper sticker is too hard.

I can kind of see how, if you picked the winner, you’d be tempted to leave it on to gloat, but really after like six months aren’t you just advertising to the world that you once, way back when, made the same decision the majority of the people did? Really, you’re proud of that? Way to follow the herd.

And those that support the losers? Don’t get me started.

There’s a car at my work with a bumper sticker that says “Romney 2012, Makers vs. Takers.” This is hysterical to me because, I promise you, the driver of the car is a federal employee.

But I digress.

Here’s a constant reminder of the day the members of my democratic country disagreed with me. Right here, on my car! For fuck sake stop and remove that reminder of your failure. I’d be equally pissed if Obama lost the 2012 election and I saw a bumper sticker supporting him today.  You need to get rid of that shit, it’s a mobile billboard shouting, “I backed the wrong horse!”

Anyway, bless you all! Maybe I need a “Romney blesses you all, 2012,” sticker.

G-Gank gives me an intervention … the jerk.


Democrats …. Always right except for when they’re wrong and then still mostly right. Yeah G-gank doesn’t do the photo captions. (Photo credit, Wikipedia)

Anyone who is a Jew is the Devil.  Anyone who is a Methodist is freaking jack-off.   Anyone who is Catholic has been brain washed.  Yup there are people that believe this, and say this…. Just like there are people who call you a fucking asshole for the political party you freely choose to endorse. Let’s just suppose that everyone in the United States became a Democrat….  Would the world be a better place?  I don’t think it would, because differences are what challenge people to achieve greater things.

Flag of the United States on American astronau...

Neil Armstrong America’s greatest cyclist. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If we were all Communists, then the space race would have never happened and Neil Armstrong would have been just another guy who raced in the tour de France.

If we were all from Jamaica, sure we would all have killer weed, but shit…. nothing would ever get done because we would all be baked.  (Actually, I firmly believe that the DEA should surrender all confiscated weed to Congress… that would be awesome to see them totally stoned…. it would totally promote harmony.)

You do not have to agree with a person’s political or religious belief but dam it you should not be critical to the point of making personal attacks on that person.  You should commend that person for their beliefs and think openly about the views of others.  It is the closed-minded person who is the real piece of shit for they never expand their thinking and will never achieve greatness.

I lived with a guy who was an atheist and for the life of me I don’t know how he could live his life that way, but I never ridiculed him for his way of thinking.  I have friends who are drum-pounding Democrats but do not think any less of them because of their beliefs.  In fact I try to understand what drives them.  Hell, I have voted for republicans and democrats….  For me it’s not what party they belong to it’s what the individual stands for.

Of course I wish everyone in the world was like me but that would be a really screwed up world.  More importantly, if everyone was like me, I would never be able to get a Tee time at the Golf Course

Now to the point of this whole piece…

When you … I feel … Because …  And I want …

Todd Oliver (the guy running hadafewbeers) please sit down – this is your

Photo caption is “i got nothing” other than I totally stole this from the History Channel. Photo credit, the History Channel.

intervention.

I know you are my friend but:

When you  – say I am an idiot for supporting a republican, or being a Catholic,

I Feel – Angry and Sad.

Because – your words are hurtful I think it jeopardizes our friendship.

And I want – you to be more considerate for my feelings and have a little respect for my freedom of choice.

Is there anyone else in the room that wants to say something to Todd?

Ok, I see some of you are a bit hesitant to speak up and that’s OK.  Just the fact that you are here today re-enforces the fact that you love Todd.  Not the kind of head-banging love that would bestow upon a big-titted stripper but rather the kind of love one gives to a dear friend.

So the next time you are quick to judge any of us who pay homage to God, Buddha, Jesus, or that fucking 6-hose water bong just remember the world is a better place because we are different and not everyone has to think like you…  so stop forcing people to suck on that Democratic Donkey Dick, after all if we all sucked it there would be nothing left for you.