Tag Archives: Rush Limbaugh

Breast moles, sauna boners and what the hell is a ‘dorie gary broken’?

If you follow this blog at all, and I’m talking to BOTH OF YOU RIGHT NOW, you know that I took a two-week hiatus. During that drunken black out break I became afraid to check the WordPress stats page, because a ‘no views today’ would have made me cry like an infant in a puddle of my own pathetic.

And I would have been naked so don’t picture that in your head – to late? Shit, sorry.

But eventually the little voice my head said, “dear dickhead, you umm going to update this fucking thing or what? You’ve got one that’s almost ready to go. How about not surfing for porn and or playing games tonight and like taking 10 fucking minutes to, I don’t know, update this shit.”

The little voice was right and I was spending entirely too much time at ratemyrack.com (Emily YOU’RE STILL NUMBER 1 baby!) and not enough time making an ass out of myself here, for your enjoyment. So I uploaded business trip tips and thought, “fuck it Sasha hasn’t called in like a week, we’re good.”

Then I looked at the stats.

Jesus. Christ. Fuck. God. Almighty. What. The. Fuck?

There are days here that I don’t post that get more hits than days that I did post.

I’d love to say it’s because of all of you, the ones that are literally reading this now. I know you came back to share some of my lovely wit with your friends and family. Maybe you showed grandma that wonderful update where I used the words tits, beer, fuck and ball hair all in the same sentence, I mean that was an epic sentence but alas, it was not the reason the stats were still high.

See I wasn't kidding ... it's all about suana boners at had a few beers

See I wasn’t kidding … it’s all about sauna boners at had a few beers

It’s because, and you likely know this, sauna boners. Yeah sauna boners. I knew it would be sauna boners that saved me. (By the way that sentence has never before been written, ‘I knew it would be sauna boners that saved me’ … FIRST BABY).

D.C. Dana has awesome search terms, “mars robot, heat shield, kittens,” as an example. I never get cool search terms that includes robots and only one kitten hit. It was ‘kitten boners’ though so not much of a win there.

Two word press bloggers I follow, Sweet mother and Oh my god my wife is German I bet don’t get too many boner hits. Okay Oh my god my wife is German probably gets a few but they are the good kind of boner hits such as: are boners okay in Germany vice Boner hot boning in boning country. Actually I have never had a hit for, boner hot boning in boning country but I expect to any minute, mainly cause I’ll add it to the tags so … there’s that.

The point is boners are keeping me up (yeah, yeah you see what I did there) hits wise so … thanks. I’m happy you like reading about erections in mixed company saunas, even though they don’t really happen. And I love that you come here looking for porn (has your search engine of choice no image preview function) with terms like, “German sauna erection” and find my dumb ass spout off about Rush Limbaugh or the horror that IS the Golden Corral.

Then there are the other ones. The weird, what the hell, hits. Vacuum cleaner sex, which okay I get it’s a fucking (get it) niche but besides a weird rant I did a month ago, I NEVER MENTIONED fucking vacuums. Sure I’ve looked at the vacuum and though, could I? But I never wrote about that, until now I mean.

Here’s a fun one, “boob moles.” That was an actual search term for this blog (more than once), ‘boob moles’ and again I’m left wondering why. I KNOW on a base level why, I have the most

Sometimes I play connect the boob mole with these photos ... mostly not.

Sometimes I play connect the boob freckles (they’re NOT MOLES asshole!) with these photos but it’s hard with all my drooling .

awesome friend that on demand sends me cleavage photos and her boobs have moles on them (it makes them hotter oddly) but WHO THE FUCK COMES HERE TO INVESTIGATE BOOB MOLES …

Here’s a fun search term that four of our wonderful internet neighbors used to come to this blog, “trolls have sex with female elf.” And honestly who among us hasn’t googled trolls have sex with female elf a few times but I’m just not sure why the internet algorithms would point them here.

Finally there is this search term, ‘dorie gary broken’. Yeah, whatever that is. I Googled dorie gary broken and Google basically told me to shut the hell up

I quit, okay I don’t quit but I want to quit.

Search Terms Shenanigans and Spam …

Hopefully this becomes a quick and easy way to update this place on the day’s I don’t feel like writing a bunch of crap don’t have anything ready.

Let’s call it Search Terms Shenanigans and Land of Spam …

First up Search Terms Shenanigans! I love looking at reasons people read my blog. Sometimes it’s exactly the search terms I’d suspect. Blog update about Rush Limbaugh and the Catholic Church would, you’d expect search terms like Rush, Limbaugh and Catholic Church. But sometimes …

Did you catch it? Kind of hard to miss “erectiond in mixed compamy” I guess.

Some delightful individual is out there googling erections in mixed company … and who am I to judge another man’s porn query. On the chance it’s an embarrassed 13 year old googling this because he’s worried all the kids in class are going to notice his ‘condition’ and laugh hysterically let me take a moment to assure you that they are all going to notice your condition and laugh hysterically.

And from the Land of Spam!

WordPress, seems to do a very good job of blocking spam posters. There are more spam posts than actual posts. The good news is that if I ever need a quick and easy virus (computer or sexual) I have hundreds and hundreds of links to choose from! Viagra questions, Ask me! Wondering where you can buy some cheap, not counterfeit meds? I’m your guy … but from the pits of the Land of Spam I found this:

I was helpful?

Sir, I assume you are a sir because helicopter flying game is a DAMN silly user name for girl (they should have names like hot vixen, horny co-ed or I HAVE BOOBS, as we all know).

Anyway sir, I would like to point out that I have NEVER offered anything remotely considered good advice here.

Rush Limbaugh, the Catholic Church and Obama, laughing his ass off.

Why Rush apologized and why it wasn’t an apology

After calling her a slut, a whore and demanding that she, and other sexually active women, upload videos of them having sex to the internet so we all can watch, Rush Limbaugh apologized to Sandra Fluke yesterday. Only he didn’t apologize and it’s our fault for not getting the joke. If the rest of America just had the ultra right’s sense of humor we’d all be … well we’d all be repealing the civil rights act, reversing Roe vs. Wade and women would get back into the goddamn kitchen where they belong (or uploading homemade porn, so maybe a win here).

Damnit you trying being funny while flying on this shit!

Damnit you trying being funny while flying on this shit!

I need some help. I can’t find the humor in these statements; “Well, what would you call someone who wants us to pay for her to have sex? What would you call that woman? You’d call ’em a slut, a prostitute or whatever” and “If we’re going to have to pay for this, then we want something in return, Ms. Fluke,” Limbaugh said. “And that would be the videos of all this sex posted online so we can see what we’re getting for our money.” Can you find the humor in those statements? Look I like David Letterman. I think Tosh.O is hysterical. I even like Black Adder, Arrested Development and that guy that works on the first floor of my office building, he cracks me up. If you can tell me where the joke is in those statements leave a comment, I’d love to have some insight.

But what the hell is the point of calling a woman, who during her testimony, never once used the word sex, a whore? It’s akin to me calling someone an alcoholic because they happen to be discussing grain. The closest she came to using the word sex is “women’s reproductive and sexual health care.”

That dirty, dirty whore.

When people criticize Rush Limbaugh by pointing out his girth, size and intellect as Senator Al Franken did in his 1999 book Rush Limbaugh is a big fat idiot (a great read if ONLY to show that in the last 13 years dear Rush hasn’t changed a bit) they do it with things called facts. These facts are proven to be facts by citing things that experts on a given subject have said. If you can do it using humor as Senator Franken did, great. It’s also clearly a joke.

One last note, just an observation really. While the President, who I’d argue is a bit busier than Rush, took the time out to call Ms. Fluke to express his support. Rush couldn’t (yet) even be bothered to say he was sorry on his talk show, let alone on the phone. That’s right he published the apology online. So come on Rush, it was just a misunderstanding as you put it and a bad joke? Let’s hear you get all hyped up and sweaty about it, the way you do when you’re talking to the party faithful, preferably during the third hour of your show, cause that’s generally when you’re all worked up and raving like a loon anyway.

Sure do hope those advertisers come back by the way.

Why the Catholic Church and the first amendment isn’t the same as Obama apologizing to Afghans*

I’m excited and baffled that this discussion is even happening at all. I am thrilled as a democrat though that it’s taking place among the GOP. Well I guess it’d be a kind of boring discussion among the democrats, something akin to “Hey this birth control thing, great or just good?”

But the government forcing religious organizations to do something is exactly what the first amendment is there to prevent! You hear this all the time on Facebook, message boards, right wing websites and well, everywhere.

I guess I could write – “who fucking cares”, “no it isn’t” or “This is fucking retarded” here and be done with it but that wouldn’t quite be the point.

This is why I love Obama, he pisses off both the Afghans and the Catholics. I also think Mike Lavigne is facebook's greatest troll ... and I love him for it.

This is why I love Obama, he pisses off both the Afghans and the Catholics. I also think Mike Lavigne is facebook's greatest troll ... and I love him for it.

I’m sure, certain in fact, that Catholic institutions be they schools, hospitals or (for all I know) pool cleaning services do a lot of good for the people that they reach out to. That’s nice Catholic Church, thanks. Now about those altar boys … I kid, I kid. Point is I’m sure they help people that they intend to help, provided you’re not an altar boy.

But while the Catholic Church runs those institutions do you know who pays for them? If you guessed “tax dollars” you’re right! Well 62% right anyway. So while we’re having this fun and fancy discussion about 1st Amendment rights Cardinal George has said, “What altar boys? We don’t have any altar boys and besides we’re going to close down our Schools and Health Care institutions if you make us provide contraceptives.” Okay he didn’t say it like that exactly but he did say they’d close up shop, in two years.

This is the part where I say, “This is fucking retarded.” After providing them more than half their budget the Catholic Church gives the giver (that would be us, you and me) the finger and cries that the 1st amendment has been run afoul. The absolute minute that the Catholic Church starts funding these projects with 100% of their own funds, without a dime of tax payer money, I’ll reverse my opinion.

I’ll still think the Catholic Church is a misogynistic organization that has a lot of crimes it needs to answer for, that desperately needs to modernize and face reality but I’ll drop my objection to their issue with contraceptives.

Finally to those of you that are so sure the mean democrats are trampling the first amendment there’s the little issue of the 26 other states that, all by themselves, already guarantee contraceptive coverage by insurance organizations, nine of which specifically address religious exemptions with clauses such as, “Go fuck yourselves, if we’re giving you money you’re gonna do it” and “Jesus the Catholic Leadership is fucking retarded” . I’m not a lawyer but I hope that’s what the clauses say.

* I just realized I didn’t talk once about the Afghan situation and Obama’s apology for the Koran burning there. Look one side of this is full of backward, misogynistic, religions freaks and the Afghans suck too.

Why this discussion is good for Obama and bad for the GOP

Anyone not remember how this whole discussion started? I do because I wrote about it here and I admit that when I first heard about it I thought, Wow the administration is doing what? That can’t be good idea.

Then I thought about it a bit, googled and remembered everyone in the administration is likely a thousand times smarter than I am. And maybe, just maybe they were hoping this discussion would make it into the mainstream media and maybe it’s the kind of discussion that will show the American people, specifically the American female voter, how backwards the GOP’s extreme right really is.

Guess what happened?

This thing is SO entrenched as a GOP problem right now that I hope someone in the White House is having an ice cold beer and a good laugh right now.

Here’s the brilliance of it. Women tend to, by sizable majorities, vote democrat. They haven’t, percentage wise, voted for a republican since 1988 and who can blame them. Even I thought Dukakis was kind of a dork. Now what’s more likely to piss off woman voters in 2012, pushing through a bill that guaranteed their reproductive rights be covered by insurance companies or a bunch of older men debating the very legality of contraceptives in the first place. If you raised your hand and said, “Um the second one,” you’d be right!

Look we got a black guy in here with us, doesn't that count for something?

Look we got a black guy in here with us, doesn't that count for something?

Both Santorum and Romney, while SCARED AS SHIT OF PISSING OFF big daddy Rush, were quick to distance themselves from the language Rush used but not so much his position. Neither candidate seems to disagree with Rush’s opinion of the situation, just his words.

Having a position that basically says “sex is bad” and that a normal healthy adult woman shouldn’t have sex without a husband and without the express purpose of having a baby because doing so will likely damn you to hell is not a good 2012 position. What do you all think that aspirin comment was about anyway? These kinds of positions aren’t going to win over the MAJORITY of Americans to your side of the fence. That’s right 50.8 percent of Americans are women. While I’m certain not every one of them believes that women and women alone should be able to make their own reproductive choices I’d wager a large amount of money that most of them do.