Tag Archives: Toplessness

When I die. Boobs and booze … seriously boobs and booze, or so I hope.


We all die.  We all also poop so the statement that we all die is about as shocking as that, when you boil it down.  Also the sun will rise tomorrow.

I want to give very specific instructions here about what should happen when I finally pass but realize, “well fuck I’ll be dead” so do whatever you want to with my dead ass.

I’ll give guidance and hope it’s followed.

Let’s just launch into that list and see who is in charge of what …

Adrian Schulte and Sarah Leslie get to pick the music.    I hope they fight over it, honestly I do, but they get to choose the tunes.    Back off peeps, I decreed from up above they get the final say.  If they pick anything by Celine Dion then that’s what it is.   They are further authorized to tattoo my dead body but only with Gary Larson “Far side” tattoos … they know what that means.

They also have to pick a wake venue that equals slip-and-slide level awesome but also incorporates hot tubs.  I suggest slip and slide into a hot tub but you’re both in charge.

yeah I have a woman I can turn too when I need a quick turnaround, original cleavage shot … don’t you?

yeah I have a woman I can turn too when I need a quick turnaround, original cleavage shot … don’t you?

Gina Gray I bequeath you ‘toplessness’.  Meaning you don’t have to be topless but I demand, DEMAND in the sense that I will haunt every woman that disobeys this order, all the women be topless during my wake.  Small tits, don’t care.  Big tits, don’t care.  Floppy tits, not an issue at all either.  I want all tits on full display at my wake.   Gina make this so.  GG … you have awesome tits, be the only chick at the wake with a top on.  You are authorized three other “exempt” rulings.    Use them wisely.

Rob Gowen also has to follow Gina around the entire time wearing flip flops, boxer shorts and a brown tee-shirt with a bottle of hair gel demanding of everyone, “where is my hair gel.” This will make me happy as I look on from the ever-after.

Mike Gianeeeteee …. You sir will ensure everyone is drunk as shit. 

If my grave isn’t muddy with beer (and piss) you fucked up. 

Don’t fuck up. 

Someone has to later donate me to a medical college.   I want college kids who will later view my autopsied corpse to go “HOLY fuck those lungs are torn up.  That is the most fucked up liver I ever saw and holy shit that’s a big dick!  Which is also why I expect Ray Coley to … never mind.

I want Nick Sternberg and Jerry O’hara to shoot 9 mm (13 rounds) in to the air, Saddam Hussein style … while drinking beers.

Ruth Sternberg has to ensure my foreskin is reattached.  If my foreskin cannot be located, she gets to direct a reenactment of that Monty Python skit where a ton of topless chicks chase a condemned man over a cliff.   I suggest you get Rick Bumgardner to help with the camera work.

I also give Rick my collection of plastic army men and dinosaurs.

I expect Maggie and Alex to supervise it all, I suggest an elaborate system utilizing clipboards, reading glasses, annoying whistles and safety vests. Don’t forget disapproving looks when some lady shows up and refuses to be topless.

Darcy Debase, bet you didn’t see this coming, you have to cater it.     I liked ribs.  So it should be ribs.  You should also be topless, figure it out.

Side note to Gina: There are no pasties allowed (Darcy will totally try to weasel out that way). 

Gina already knows this.  I’m just reinforcing the message.

Bron Berry has to show up and proclaim, “Holy boobs!”  You also have to announce a best tits winner.    From the crowd I mean.

Maggie and Alex will have to organize a best boobs contest, because that’s how I would have wanted it and because I just wrote that thing about Bron being a boobie judge and crap.

Dagmar, one year after my death, has to go online to buy something and surf for the highest price.  If she finds the same spatula for sale for $20 and $40 she has to buy the $40 one.   She also has to yell out during the wake, “That mother fucker fucked me again!”  I’ll be giggling from the afterlife I assure you.

Val Henderson and Lynn Davis will print out every post on this blog and hand correct, with red pen, the untold millions of grammatical, spelling and WTF errors.   They will then pass them out to the people in attendance.  They’ll be topless so you won’t mind.

Mike Lavigne has to take over this blog.   He also has to rename it, “Was that Todd dude a dick or what?”  I’d suggest asking Jesse for ideas Mike.

Matt and Marni Sandberg have to proclaim loudly during the funeral while whatever Christian priest you all pick is talking, “I thought he was Jewish?”

Mel Raymond and Mellissa Novakovich are in charge of snark, turn it up to 11 ladies.   They’ll understand why they were paired the minute they meet.  Also fuck you both.

Chad Oliver gets my remote control helicopter IF he promises to annoy Amanda once a week with it.

Eric and Bianca get my beer fridge, full circle kids.

Little Edward Oliver gets a car.  Nothing that exceeds like 30K IN TODAY’S prices so don’t be bankrupting my widow.   Also if he doesn’t have one, his own computer.

Leila and Jill get all revenues from my many super top-secret iPhone game ideas.   Hint they all suck and will garner like $2 at best.

Bucky, start raising funds now, this is gonna cost us.  By us I mean you.   I want a shit ton of hot tubs …

Holy crap I’m naked and so are they!


This this photo I found on the internet? It proves Germany is cold, cause the internet never lies!

Germany is a cold, wet, cold, freezing, cloud covered, cold, testicle shrinking, shivering, cold country. But it has really good beer and food so; you know it’s a balance. I’ve lived here with Dagmar since about 2006. I think I could go on and on about Germany and Germans. Little quirks, annoying things, stuff that is just bizarre, stuff I wish more Americans did (myself included) … it’s obviously its own country with its own identity and culture.

This is about the German, or at least a part of the German culture that has absolutely no aversion to nudity. Let me refine that a bit. At German saunas people, both male and female, mingle nude and it’s not as weird as you think. Or it is as weird as you think but they don’t care, they’re naked.

As any ten year old with the ability to set Google’s safe search option to off likely understands, beaches in Europe are generally topless. Actually I can get rid of the qualifying ‘generally’ I think. It seems safe to say that on any given beach in Europe, you will find topless women (and men!)

Someone recently asked me why I was still here in Europe. The above paragraph is the reason. It’s topless beaches and beer. I can drink a beer and see lots and lots of boobies. And I like beer and boobies and together … well it’s a little like heaven.

But back to saunas. Germans, and a lot of people I guess, think there are health benefits to sauna going. I have no clue if they’re right or not but I do know I sort of enjoy the sauna, more so in the winter when the thermometer is pegging out at a high in the 20s.

This is what i will deal with for an eternity when I die ...

The place I’m most familiar with is a water park named, oddly enough, Miramar. If you have kids I think you’ve been to a similar place. It has a giant wave pool, screaming children, water slides, screaming children, inner tube rides, screaming children and a snack bar/real bar occupied by, you guessed it, screaming children.

Why the hell would I go to a place infested with screaming children you might be asking because apart from the kids play area they have an extensive clothed area that consists of hot pools and quiet rooms and, most importantly, they have the nude side.

The Nude Side.

NAKED PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!

As you enter the nude side, the entrance to which is only sorta, kinda hidden from the clothing side (walking to one of the clothed pools you’re basically looking directly into the entrance) you are immediately accosted by all shapes, sizes and ages of nakedness. Although it’s the ‘line in the sand’ where you are expected to remove your bathing suit and stow any items like keys, wallets or what have you in lockers there are, unsurprisingly a lot of people well, naked.

After disrobing, because the Germans have a rule for everything (but this is a good rule) you’re expected to shower before entering the actual sauna and swimming area. Interestingly, or not, 99% of the sauna goers don’t just walk around naked, they have a towel or more often a robe on between the saunas. This percentage drops considerably in the warmer months but still the general rule is if you’re not in a sauna or in the pool, you’re covered up.

To sum up the ‘textile free” or nude side, it consists of five indoor saunas, two tubs (one warmish and the other BONECHILLINGLY cold) two ‘quiet rooms’ and a (cause it’s Europe) snack bar/restaurant area devoid of any screaming children.

Outside there is a pool, four smaller saunas, the ‘Sauna Maximus’ (a HUGE sauna) and another quiet area.

Inside the non-special saunas, people come and go as they please. Some like the Jagersauna outside are super hot, others like the aroma sauna have aromas like lemon or of straw.

Inside these sauna’s everyone sits from toe to buttocks on a towel and … wait.

HOLY CRAP I’M NAKED!

I think this is the point where I need to address the naked part because some of you are thinking this is very weird, pervy or just fucking insane. You’re all wrong and you’re all right. Taking off your bathing suit is weird for the first time, for the first five minutes. After that you start to realize that the atmosphere in a German Sauna area is about as sexy as a hospital visit. For a moment you think, HOLY FUCKING JESUS I’M NAKED AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!”

But then the thought ends because well, everyone is naked. You quickly realize that all men have a penis and when not erect it looks like, well, a non-erect penis. All girls have two pronounced breasts and a vagina. Strip away (ha-ha!) any hint of romance, lust or sex and again it’s as sexually stimulating as a medical text book. Besides there is a lot of looking straight ahead, lots of eye contact. No one, you can be reasonably sure, is checking you out** because you really don’t stand out, even though you’re naked.

Guys reading this might be thinking, but aren’t there some hot girls, hot naked girls?

Yes there are but again it’s simply not a sexual environment. I confess I have thought, wow nice body but in a sea of bodies it’s akin to saying wow that’s a nice tree, in a forest.

For the record I’m rarely actually in a forest because it’s very hard to get a beer there unless you bring it yourself and then, what the fuck are you doing drinking in a forest retard? A bear is going to eat you.

Every hour, on the hour, a special group sauna is held in either an indoor sauna or the ‘Sauna Maximus’ outside. These group saunas are where it turns weird. Until now the saunas are basically sparsely populated (never difficult to find an open spot). Now though it turns into a packed sauna where you will sit, naked (on your own towel), shoulder to shoulder and leg to leg.

HOLY CRAP I’M NAKED WITH ABOUT SIXTY OTHER PEOPLE, ITS HOTTER THEN HELL AND SOME IDIOT IS MAKING IT HOTTER.

You have to get to the group sauna’s a good 10 minutes early or you’re going to have to fight for a seat, you might even be turned away. Contrary to what I said in the paragraph previous to this there’s no actual skin to skin contact but it’s close and yeah you do bump into the person next to you. If you just said ewwww swapping sweat with strangers oh nooooes! Yeah it certainly happens but you shower immediately afterwards so …

It's like this, only a lot bigger and with a lot of naked people. Also there's no guy in charge of making even friggen HOTTER!

At the scheduled time the sauna master comes in, closes the door and the fun begins. No shit the place has people that are in charge of the sauna event, its Germany after all. Usually there is a quick introduction, some joke I’m not likely to understand and then the buckets of water are poured onto the rocks cranking the heat up to eleven. The sauna master, clothed mind you in shorts and a teeshirt, then starts to wave a towel over his or her head while walking around the sauna, this is an effort to crank the heat up past the mystic eleven and into the unknown twelve. They are successful. It gets up to “HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT” temperatures in a short amount of time. Then they usually do some sort of gimmick. Two of my favorites are the honey sauna and the salt sauna.

In the honey sauna they, no shit, I’m not making this up and I’m not drunk, they pass out small cups of honey which you are then expected to rub on yourself. If you never seen a room full of naked people vigorously rubbing themselves with honey while a clothed person twirls a towel over their heads you haven’t been to a German sauna. I don’t need hallucinogens I’ve rubbed honey on my naked body with total strangers. The purpose of this is to attract insects and or to give your skin the ability to sweeten tea. Actually I have no idea what the purpose is but I’m sure it’s a skincare thing.

mmmmmm honey, a super hot room and sweat!

My other favorite (well the honey thing isn’t a favorite it just cracks me up – who the hell thought of that) is the salt sauna. The salt sauna I actually like. I’m a heterosexual male and I realize that what I’m about to type will make everyone reading this question that statement but the salt sauna makes your skin super smooth. Halfway through this sauna, just when you’re thinking that your body can’t really be producing the amount of sweat it is currently producing , they pass out small cups of rock salt.

Rock salt, not just for deicing your driveway but for vigorously rubbing all over your naked body too!

Cup of salt in hand you pour a bit on your leg, arm chest, everywhere and scrub. Words of caution do not get this shit in your eyes and any little open wound (shaving nick, cut on a finger) is about to sting like hell. But the after effect is, again I am a heterosexual male, really smooth skin. I find myself hours later going, why are my arms to smooth, oh yeah salt sauna.

Then just when you feel faint, just when you can’t take another moment of heat, just when you think you’re about to catch on fire the sauna master opens the door and everyone pours outside. Typically they have some sort of refreshment available, a Popsicle or a glass of tea or a piece of candy.

This is another one of those, am I really seeing/participating in this moment? Buck naked except for flip flops a group of anywhere from 20 to 60 men and women eating a popsicle, drinking tea desperately trying to cool down. Germans love, love, love to immediately after leaving a sauna dunk themselves in cold water and there are showers and buckets everywhere for just that purpose. I’m interested in not having a heart attack or enticing my testicle to relocate into my abdomen so except for a few experimental tries I forgo this aspect of the sauna.

That’s the naked German sauna experience in a nutshell. After round after round of sweat like a man waiting on the results of the girlfriend’s pregnancy test it’s time for a beer and maybe a bit to eat and then it’s over.

There is one other aspect of this ‘experience’ that I’ll save for another day, the two days a week that the whole damned place goes ‘textile free’. At seven P.M. there is an announcement and magically everyone is naked … the transition is, to me at least, funny for its own reasons .. more about that next time.

* Yes. If you’ve known me more than 10 minutes you fully understand that after the fifth beer I’m as likely to remove all of my clothing, regardless of the situation, as a two-year old … I am unable with beer to resist nearly any dare, it’s my gift/curse.

** No one is checking you out unless you’ve done something that screams CHECK ME OUT. There is an older man, Dagmar and I call ‘him look at my penis man’, who is about 70 and I’m reasonably certain that he must have been a sailor in the 1970s as he’s covered in aged tattoos and, get this, has more piercings on his penis and scrotum than is reasonable or even sane. I have seen him engaged with other Germans discussing his artwork (I assume, all parties involved were looking directly at his junk so I can’t imagine is a discussion about Greek debt). There are a few ‘personalities’ at the sauna that Dagmar and I laugh about … more about them next time though.